Tuesday, 8 September 2015

Where did my confidence go?

Hello Beautiful,

You would have turned 14 months old yesterday and to be honest in terms of the pain I feel at the moment it might as well have been yesterday that you died. Mummy can hold back the tears for the most part, especially in front of other people but when I am on my own I let go and allow grief to wash over me.

Mummy has been finding thing incredibly hard recently and my anxiety levels seem to be sky high! Both your Daddy and I are still going to counselling but Mummy feels like she needs more, maybe CBT, or hypnotherapy... I just want some of my old confidence back. The thing Mummy REALLY struggles with is talking to people on the phone, I hate it! Daddy and I bought a new sofa not long ago but it soon started to bobble and we needed to get someone out to look at it. As Daddy is at work all day it was left for me to arrange for the upholsterer to come out the house, Mummy managed it somehow but in order to get the sofa sorted I need to speak to Harvey's resolution team. They rang over three weeks ago now and Mummy hasn't found the courage to call them up again. Mummy cracked last week after a seperate incident and called Daddy in tears (he is the only one I feel comfortable calling) "I can't talk to people on the phone, I really hate Paul!" I think that was when he actually understood properly how difficult it is for me. Mummy doesn't know why it is difficult though, maybe it is because of the potential for bad news or because I might cry down the phone to some receptionist somewhere,. Whatever the reason, it is what it is.

The other thing Mummy struggles with is my appearance, I have never been a beauty queen but I did used to feel confident in the way I looked (bar the odd few wobbles). I don't now, I have changed my hair four times in the past year because I just want something to make me feel good again, feel pretty but I don't. I feel second rate. Daddy sometimes tries to take photos of me but my rapidly decreasing eyebrows (brought on my a completely irrational need to pull out my hair) and my double chin make me feel so ugly that I feel sorry for Daddy, he didn't marry that! It hurts Daddy, I know it does but sometimes I really hate myself! It was my body that failed you! I often wonder if you would have been proud to point me out as your Mummy at school...

Mummy wishes she didn't feel this way. Mummy wishes she didn't have to miss you so much. Mummy wishes you were here.

I love you so much Ophelia.

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy