Hello Again

 Dearest Ophelia,

It’s been a while! 8 1/2 years in fact and things have changed so much (which I know you know…).

It’s 5 days until your birthday and it’s a big one, 10! You would be 10! How have I lived 10 years without you? How have I survived missing you for 3648 days straight? I know I am different now and I am able to manage my grief but this one is more poignant. Turning 10 is such a moment in life and one I can vividly remember myself, it breaks me that you won’t get that moment, or any other’s! 

We will celebrate it though, our family of 7 and friends new and old who are coming to celebrate your day. There will be pizza, and cake, balloons and ice cream and probably a cringe from you up in the clouds as I sing my big girl Happy Birthday! How I wish you were here to see it…

It is unfathomably unfair. 

I want you to know we are happy though, we have a good life and you are part of our everyday and that will never change! 

So I leave you with your birthday gift, my dream of you…

I had a dream of you one day, in sunglasses and a hat

Your toes were sandy, your hair was wet but your eyes were wide and bright 

I had a dream of you one day, with a raincoat and umbrella 

Your socks were soggy, your nose was cold but your eyes were wide and bright

I had a dream of you one day, wrapped up in a big red scarf

Your cheeks were rosy, your body shivered but your eyes were wide and bright 

I had a dream of you one day, all dressed up like bunny

Your dress was stained, your hands were sticky but your eyes were wide and bright 

I had a dream of you one day, in sunglasses and a hat

I had a dream of you one day

I had a dream of you

I love you forever! 

Love eternal,

Mummy xxx

We have something to tell you...

Hello Squishy!

Mummy and Daddy have something very important to tell you...

On Saturday at 5:05pm we welcomed your little brother, Foster Cole Hancon into the world and he weighed exactly the same as you, little chubbster! He is so beautiful, just like you and we are just overwhelmed with love for both of you... we are so lucky to have such gorgeous babies!

He came out like a freight train and before Mummy had time to really consider any pain relief. He has a bit of a grunt so has been given antibiotics as a precaution and feeding so far is a bit tricky but I am sure we will get the hang of it!

Thank you for watching over him whilst he was inside Mummy's tummy. It was such an incredibly hard journey to get him here but he is worth every second, just like you are.

We will tell him all about you and as his name means "keeper of the forest" he will always protect your memory here on earth as you protect him from the clouds.

Mummy, Daddy, Foster and Marley love you all so much, we wish you could be here too but we know you are with us all in spirit.

Love eternal

Mummy, Daddy and Foster
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Where did my confidence go?

Hello Beautiful,

You would have turned 14 months old yesterday and to be honest in terms of the pain I feel at the moment it might as well have been yesterday that you died. Mummy can hold back the tears for the most part, especially in front of other people but when I am on my own I let go and allow grief to wash over me.

Mummy has been finding thing incredibly hard recently and my anxiety levels seem to be sky high! Both your Daddy and I are still going to counselling but Mummy feels like she needs more, maybe CBT, or hypnotherapy... I just want some of my old confidence back. The thing Mummy REALLY struggles with is talking to people on the phone, I hate it! Daddy and I bought a new sofa not long ago but it soon started to bobble and we needed to get someone out to look at it. As Daddy is at work all day it was left for me to arrange for the upholsterer to come out the house, Mummy managed it somehow but in order to get the sofa sorted I need to speak to Harvey's resolution team. They rang over three weeks ago now and Mummy hasn't found the courage to call them up again. Mummy cracked last week after a seperate incident and called Daddy in tears (he is the only one I feel comfortable calling) "I can't talk to people on the phone, I really hate Paul!" I think that was when he actually understood properly how difficult it is for me. Mummy doesn't know why it is difficult though, maybe it is because of the potential for bad news or because I might cry down the phone to some receptionist somewhere,. Whatever the reason, it is what it is.

The other thing Mummy struggles with is my appearance, I have never been a beauty queen but I did used to feel confident in the way I looked (bar the odd few wobbles). I don't now, I have changed my hair four times in the past year because I just want something to make me feel good again, feel pretty but I don't. I feel second rate. Daddy sometimes tries to take photos of me but my rapidly decreasing eyebrows (brought on my a completely irrational need to pull out my hair) and my double chin make me feel so ugly that I feel sorry for Daddy, he didn't marry that! It hurts Daddy, I know it does but sometimes I really hate myself! It was my body that failed you! I often wonder if you would have been proud to point me out as your Mummy at school...

Mummy wishes she didn't feel this way. Mummy wishes she didn't have to miss you so much. Mummy wishes you were here.

I love you so much Ophelia.

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy
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