Hello Squidgy,
It has been 36 weeks since you were born, Mummy left work at 36 weeks... How could it be that I left work nine months ago to have you but yet I am here without you?
16 weeks until your first birthday, I wonder what would you be doing now?
Mummy watches films, TV programmes and the news (so, so awful on the news...) and if a child dies, any age 0-however old and I see the parents grieving I think to myself "I just can't imagine how they are feeling..." but I can, I do know how they feel! Mummy's brain is in protection mode a fair bit because to let the reality in all the time would kill me, I truly believe that. Then moments like that happen and I feel sick because somehow or another for that moment I didn't know how they felt, like somewhere along line your memory had been scrubbed from my mind. I hate that I know how it feels but I also hate that I feel so disconnected from my grief at times. It is one of my biggest links to you. Mummy finds it strange but sometimes I miss the unrelenting, earth shattering, desperate pain of the first few months of grief, I was so, so close to you then! Mummy knows it isn't healthy to be that way and I am thankful that the bad days are getting less and less but ultimately I will always miss you. I will always want to re-live your moments, even if that means delving into a sea of pain all over again because you are just so precious!
Why is the world so cruel?
I miss you sweetheart, the world is darker without you. Thank you for being the light of my life.
I will love you from now until the end of time.
Sweet dreams and thank you for my Mother's Day card, it is beautiful and it brought me a lot of happiness.
Love eternal,
Mummy and Daddy
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Monday, 16 March 2015
Sunday, 1 March 2015
Please end...
Hello Squidgy,
Mummy misses you so very badly! We had a hard week this week, a hard month in fact! Your great grandma passed away on 9 Feb after being rushed into hospital, your Mummy will miss her so please say hello to her from us. I hope you are having fun together sweetheart. We had an appointment with a consultant on Wednesday, he was horrible and to be honest we would have gotten more sympathy from a traffic warden! Mummy just wonders how much more life has to throw at us, when will we have had enough?!
People tell me you will send us a rainbow, I don't like it because I then wonder why haven't you sent one already?! Mummy knows you would send one if you could but sadly it doesn't work like that does it? Just like life doesn't work based on scales of good and bad, you can be an utter shit and still get all your heart desires! Mummy is just feeling low today and the all too usual feeling of disappointment is creeping in... Another month, another cycle, another hammer to my heart. When will this end???? Please end, please end, PLEASE END!!!
Why do bad things keep happening to us? Why can't we catch a break? Why, why, why???? Mummy. Needs. Hope! Imagine it, a sibling maybe even two... Twins even! The thought just makes Mummy's heart want to burst out of her body, it would just be the most amazing thing ever, a bright shinning light in all this darkness. Your siblings would have the best life we could ever offer them and man o man they would have the most incredible big sister! Please tell me we deserve that, please tell me one day our dream will come true?!
Sorry sweetheart, I seem to only write when I feel in depths of despair! Mummy does smile, I promise you that. Daddy does too! Mummy had a nice day yesterday, I saw Jess for lunch which was lovely, Mummy even sat and faced a couple with a newborn without flinching, Mummy is getting stronger! Then your Daddy and I went to see "Ex-Machina" and then went to ASK for some food, it was really nice but coming home to an empty house is difficult.
Mummy also saw your fauntie Tilly and little cousins Finn and Sofia on Tuesday. Finn is turning into a right cheeky monkey, he makes Mummy laugh! Sofia is getting bigger and she is sitting up and smiling and laughing now. Mummy held her for ages and it didn't make me sad, I guess it is because I know she isn't you! Mummy just wishes you were there too... You would be so big now, almost 8 months old!
It's your Daddy's birthday next week, I think it will be tough but Mummy will try to make him smile! The following week is Mother's Day, my first! I wonder if anyone will remember I am still a Mummy? It's just another day to dread! Whilst it is a nice thought for all those "normal" Mummies out there it is like losing on a game show for us... "Look what you could have won!" Maybe one day it won't be so sad for me?! I don't know, so much can go wrong!
Mummy spoke to your Auntie Hedge the other day, she was drunk... She's a funny! We had a nice chat though, Mummy loves her very, very much!
Right gorgeous girl, I am going to have a nice soak in the bath, maybe that will make me feel a little lighter?!
We love you!
We miss you!
I kiss your picture three times before I go to sleep, one for me, one for Daddy and one for Marley. Then I whisper " Love you, miss you, wish you were here!" That will always be true! I just cannot believe you are gone!
Love eternal
Mummy and Daddy
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Mummy misses you so very badly! We had a hard week this week, a hard month in fact! Your great grandma passed away on 9 Feb after being rushed into hospital, your Mummy will miss her so please say hello to her from us. I hope you are having fun together sweetheart. We had an appointment with a consultant on Wednesday, he was horrible and to be honest we would have gotten more sympathy from a traffic warden! Mummy just wonders how much more life has to throw at us, when will we have had enough?!
People tell me you will send us a rainbow, I don't like it because I then wonder why haven't you sent one already?! Mummy knows you would send one if you could but sadly it doesn't work like that does it? Just like life doesn't work based on scales of good and bad, you can be an utter shit and still get all your heart desires! Mummy is just feeling low today and the all too usual feeling of disappointment is creeping in... Another month, another cycle, another hammer to my heart. When will this end???? Please end, please end, PLEASE END!!!
Why do bad things keep happening to us? Why can't we catch a break? Why, why, why???? Mummy. Needs. Hope! Imagine it, a sibling maybe even two... Twins even! The thought just makes Mummy's heart want to burst out of her body, it would just be the most amazing thing ever, a bright shinning light in all this darkness. Your siblings would have the best life we could ever offer them and man o man they would have the most incredible big sister! Please tell me we deserve that, please tell me one day our dream will come true?!
Sorry sweetheart, I seem to only write when I feel in depths of despair! Mummy does smile, I promise you that. Daddy does too! Mummy had a nice day yesterday, I saw Jess for lunch which was lovely, Mummy even sat and faced a couple with a newborn without flinching, Mummy is getting stronger! Then your Daddy and I went to see "Ex-Machina" and then went to ASK for some food, it was really nice but coming home to an empty house is difficult.
Mummy also saw your fauntie Tilly and little cousins Finn and Sofia on Tuesday. Finn is turning into a right cheeky monkey, he makes Mummy laugh! Sofia is getting bigger and she is sitting up and smiling and laughing now. Mummy held her for ages and it didn't make me sad, I guess it is because I know she isn't you! Mummy just wishes you were there too... You would be so big now, almost 8 months old!
It's your Daddy's birthday next week, I think it will be tough but Mummy will try to make him smile! The following week is Mother's Day, my first! I wonder if anyone will remember I am still a Mummy? It's just another day to dread! Whilst it is a nice thought for all those "normal" Mummies out there it is like losing on a game show for us... "Look what you could have won!" Maybe one day it won't be so sad for me?! I don't know, so much can go wrong!
Mummy spoke to your Auntie Hedge the other day, she was drunk... She's a funny! We had a nice chat though, Mummy loves her very, very much!
Right gorgeous girl, I am going to have a nice soak in the bath, maybe that will make me feel a little lighter?!
We love you!
We miss you!
I kiss your picture three times before I go to sleep, one for me, one for Daddy and one for Marley. Then I whisper " Love you, miss you, wish you were here!" That will always be true! I just cannot believe you are gone!
Love eternal
Mummy and Daddy
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Friday, 6 February 2015
I can't keep keeping on....
Hello Gorgeous
Mummy misses you so very badly, it just isn't fair. This truck that keeps hitting us is getting too much to bear, they must have added an extra load recently. I've had enough now, Daddy has had enough now. We damn well deserve some sodding happiness! It's about bloody time that we got some and I mean in the baby department because honestly, I do not care about the other stuff. The other stuff is exactly that, just stuff!
We do have lots to be thankful for and we are, I promise you that, but save the people in our lives I would trade it all for you. I would trade my life for yours... but then you would have no Mummy and that would make you and Daddy sad. Basically there is no win situation for us, you will always be somewhere we are not.
Mummy just doesn't see an end to any of this, she does see another baby in our future. We are doing things to so say help us conceive but so far nothing is working. I don't hold out much hope that anything will. You know when you have a feeling, like when you answer the phone (no number shown) you know who it is. Or when you just have a funny feeling something will happen, like you know you will bump into someone when you are out. It is that feeling I have all the time. Mummy just feels like it isn't going to happen, that we are going to be the couple who never had a living child. Some people who do not know us will think we are weird... "It isn't easy for everyone, not everyone can have children!" Mummy will shout in her head!
That is why Mummy finds it so hard to deal with when parenting is cast in such a negative light! SMA adverts are mainly all doom and gloom, the only happy parts seem to be when the mother is "free" of her children! I'm "free" of my children every single day and it is hell, I'd much rather have a buggy I cannot fold, constant dirty nappies or food thrown on my face than this! I do not doubt it is hard work or frustrating at times but what about the cuddles? What about the giggling and the amazement when they take their first steps? My advert would consist of an empty nursery, an unopened packet of nappies, flowers on a grave and a box of tampons! Mummy just wants our advert to change. We will always have your grave, we will always have the hole you have left behind but we could have good times too?! That packet of nappies could be opened along with the nursery door?! That box of tampons could stay unopened for 9/10 months, couldn't they?! I doubt it but man o man I wish it!
I just hate living in this loop, it is exhausting and requires more strength than I have left!
We wish you were here.
Love eternal,
Mummy and Daddy
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Mummy misses you so very badly, it just isn't fair. This truck that keeps hitting us is getting too much to bear, they must have added an extra load recently. I've had enough now, Daddy has had enough now. We damn well deserve some sodding happiness! It's about bloody time that we got some and I mean in the baby department because honestly, I do not care about the other stuff. The other stuff is exactly that, just stuff!
We do have lots to be thankful for and we are, I promise you that, but save the people in our lives I would trade it all for you. I would trade my life for yours... but then you would have no Mummy and that would make you and Daddy sad. Basically there is no win situation for us, you will always be somewhere we are not.
Mummy just doesn't see an end to any of this, she does see another baby in our future. We are doing things to so say help us conceive but so far nothing is working. I don't hold out much hope that anything will. You know when you have a feeling, like when you answer the phone (no number shown) you know who it is. Or when you just have a funny feeling something will happen, like you know you will bump into someone when you are out. It is that feeling I have all the time. Mummy just feels like it isn't going to happen, that we are going to be the couple who never had a living child. Some people who do not know us will think we are weird... "It isn't easy for everyone, not everyone can have children!" Mummy will shout in her head!
That is why Mummy finds it so hard to deal with when parenting is cast in such a negative light! SMA adverts are mainly all doom and gloom, the only happy parts seem to be when the mother is "free" of her children! I'm "free" of my children every single day and it is hell, I'd much rather have a buggy I cannot fold, constant dirty nappies or food thrown on my face than this! I do not doubt it is hard work or frustrating at times but what about the cuddles? What about the giggling and the amazement when they take their first steps? My advert would consist of an empty nursery, an unopened packet of nappies, flowers on a grave and a box of tampons! Mummy just wants our advert to change. We will always have your grave, we will always have the hole you have left behind but we could have good times too?! That packet of nappies could be opened along with the nursery door?! That box of tampons could stay unopened for 9/10 months, couldn't they?! I doubt it but man o man I wish it!
I just hate living in this loop, it is exhausting and requires more strength than I have left!
We wish you were here.
Love eternal,
Mummy and Daddy
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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