The little things

To you, our beautiful Ophelia,

Yesterday morning your Daddy and I just sat in bed for a long time, we had your blanket in between us which made us feel like you were there. We talked about you and how we could arrange some of your photos. We are going to have your hand and foot prints in our bedroom along with a photo of the three of us and the "O" we had brought to go on your bedroom door, we figure that way you will always be close by.

There was a knock at the door around 10am, neither of us wanted to get it, we just want to shut the world out and live in our Ophelia bubble! I'm glad we did get up though, Daddy's best friend Lewis and his girlfriend Jenni had sent us some flowers, Roses and Lilies to be precise. We decided we would like to always have some Lilies in our room, they, like you, are so pretty and they are your namesake after all. We bought a special vase for them to go in, it is made from wood and has a heart carved in the middle, you would like it I'm sure.

Shortly afterwards we had another knock, it was Caroline, she had come to check up on how Mummy was doing after the birth. She held Mummy's hand and gave Daddy and I a cuddle as we are missing you so very much! She checked Mummy's tummy and asked if I was in any pain, please know I am not, not physically at least, apart from my very puffy eyes! I don't mind that though, I have to cry, as does Daddy, it makes us feel a bit better! We had a nice chat and she managed to take our minds off the pain for a few minutes, she even made us laugh as she saw the One Direction DVD that Mummy had bought Daddy for a joke, she told Daddy he was silly for liking them! It's the little things like that that will help us to heal I think.

She also explained that if Mummy and Daddy were to get pregnant again that we would get much more support next time, to try and avoid what happened to you from happening again. That really helped us as we know, in time, we do want to have another baby, especially now we have seen how good we are at it! Please know though sweetheart, you will never be replaced, never be forgotten, you will always be our beloved daughter. Any future brothers or sisters will learn all about their big sis in the sky!

Remember I told you yesterday that we were going to Olney to see the church and the burial ground? Well we did that, it was very difficult but we think we are making the right choice for you. The church is very old, and very grand, it has been on the TV don't you know?!! It is big too so that lots of your friends and family can be there to say goodbye. We hope we can do the service there.

The burial ground is different to most, it is very special as there are no headstones, each plot has it's own tree that will be planted above your grave and you will also get a wooden plaque so we will all know which tree is yours. Mummy and Daddy think this will be perfect for you, each year the tree will grow like you would and it will always be the same age as you. We thought it would be a way for us to give you life, a way to see the world, it would also be a way for us to watch you grow. We hope we are making the right choice for you. We would be able to come and see you whenever we want, we can also plant some flowers around your tree, maybe some lavender and snowdrops like you saw in hospital, how does that sound?

When we were leaving the burial ground I saw a little butterfly, it was flying slightly in front of me, very low to the ground. I pictured you toddling in front of me with your hands out to the side feeling the long grass, was that you saying hello? I like to think it was.

When we got back home we took Marley for a walk, the weather was so nice, it must be you bringing it our way! Mummy cried in the park as she thought about how you weren't there. Up until Sunday morning, you my baby, were perfectly safe, perfectly healthy and you had an almighty kick on you. You should have been with us in your bright red buggy looking up at your Mummy and Daddy as they push you along... there were no signs that you weren't well! I'm so very sorry if you tried to tell me and I missed it! All I ever wanted was to keep you safe, I am sorry I could not! One day we will go walking together, me, Daddy, you and Marley, I promise!

Daddy started to print out your pictures, he is picking the very best! I can't wait for them to fill the house so I can kiss you once more (your teenage self is cringing by the way!!). Whilst printing out the photos we noticed in one that we had taken just before we said goodbye that there was a glow around you with hints of green and pink, we decided to look up auras and this is what we found:

Green: restful, modifying energy, natural healing ability. All natural healers should have it. People with a green strong point in their Auras are natural healers. The stronger the green Aura, the better the healer. They also love gardening and usually have a "green hand" - anything grows for them. Being in a presence of a person with a strong and green Aura is a very peaceful and restful experience. Green thought indicates a restful state and healing.

Pink (=purple+red): love (in a spiritual sense). To obtain a clean pink, you need to mix the purple (the highest frequency we perceive) with red (the lowest frequency). Pink Aura indicates that the person achieved a perfect balance between spiritual awareness and the material existence. The most advanced people have not only a yellow halo around the head (a permanent strong point in the Aura) but also a large pink Aura extending further away. The pink color in the Aura is quite rare on Earth and appears only as a temporary thought, never as a strong point in the Aura.

We thought that summed you up perfectly, our loving, peaceful girl.

It's good that you would have liked gardens to as our friends Charlotte and Ian had discovered a rose named Ophelia. They have so very kindly ordered us one that we can plant in the garden by the apple tree, each summer these roses will bloom around your birthday, another delightful reminder of you. Mummy and Daddy promise to learn some gardening skills so we can look after it for you.

It had been another busy day for us, full of things we had never expected we would be doing after your arrival! We thought our sleepless nights would be because of nappy changes and feeds, not nightmares and tears! We needed to give ourselves a break from the pain so we watched TV for the first time since the tragic news that your heart had stopped. We only watched for an hour and chose to watch our favourite action man, Jack Bauer trying to take down Russian terrorists. We watched it with you though, Mummy has her favourite picture of you as a screensaver on her phone, I kept it brightly on the whole way through. You would have been a big fan when you were older! It felt normal, which in turn made us feel guilty, we aren't ready to be normal! We have to find ways to do things like that though so we aren't swallowed up by grief, we know you understand.

After that is was bedtime for us so we grabbed your blanket, kissed you goodnight on my phone and whispered we loved you into the darkness.

Until tomorrow sweet girl!

Love you to the moon and back, infinite times!

Mummy and Daddy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hello Sweetheart

To our gorgeous girl Ophelia,

You came into our lives sleeping on 07/07/2014, one day before your due date. You are and were the most beautiful little thing and although it was incredibly hard, giving birth to you was without question the most amazing, but heartbreaking moment of mine and your (wonderful) Daddy's life.

You were born just after 8pm and were delivered directly on to my chest, your little head rested directly over my heart. Our first reaction was tears, tears of joy and tears of total sadness as you did not cry, you made no sound at all. You were so peaceful though, and so completely beautiful, our hearts just burst with pride that we had made you, we are just so sorry you couldn't stay.

You stayed with me on my chest and Mummy and Daddy showered you with kisses and cuddles, it was such a magical moment. The midwife who had delivered you, Jo, brought in a bath so that we could wash you as you were covered in sticky goo from Mummy's tummy ;-)! It was such a lovely moment for your Daddy and I, we got to see every part of you and truly take in just how amazing you were. You had the most amazing little hands and feet, well your feet were actually really quite big, we both enjoyed tickling them. You clearly took after your "big sister" Marley too as you were just so long (if you are reading this and do not know who Marley is, she is our miniature dachshund)!!!

After we gave you a bath we got you dry and dressed you in a beautiful little denim romper suit and pink baseball jacket that had "A, for Awesome on it", very fitting! Soon after that you got to meet your amazing family, who had been patiently waiting outside to see you. You met both sets of grandparents, both your aunties and your uncle and they loved you just as instantly as we did, it was a very special time for us all.

The family didn't stay long as they wanted to give us time alone with you. After they had gone your Daddy and I cuddled and kissed you some more and took lots of pictures. We then put you in the Moses basket and watched over you all night, it was very hard for Mummy and Daddy to sleep as we knew we did not have much time with you in the physical sense. The Moses basket you were in was a very special one as it kept you cool, which allowed us to have more time with you, so we wrapped you up nice a tightly in your blanket, we hope you weren't too cold.

In the morning your Daddy and I got you up and decided to change you into a little sleep suit to make you more comfortable. Before we did that though we wanted to take some more pictures of your perfect little body, especially your bum! Mummy picked you up and cradled you in her arms with your bare bottom on show and just as Daddy reached for the camera you did a poo on Mummy's hand, we thought it was so funny. Daddy cleared it up and took some lovely shots, then it was Daddy's turn and once again as soon as he had you in his arms you pooped again! You certainly take after you Daddy with that Miss Ophelia Two Poops!

We had a busy day with you that day, you had a chaplain come to meet you and he ministered a short blessing for you, this meant you could walk with the angels up in heaven, this has given us some peace as we know you are being looked after. You also met your "Big Sister" Marley! The room we were staying in had a little garden outside and the hospital staff kindly allowed us to have Marley come to see you there. She was so gentle with you, she calmly smelt and licked your face, her way of giving you a kiss! This is a pretty big deal for Marley as she is normally so energetic but she knew how precious and delicate you were, it was just so lovely.

You also saw most of your family again, except your Aunty Claire, they all told you how much they loved you, gave you lots of kisses and let you know how much they would miss you. You really are so loved Ophelia, even the midwives loved you instantly. One of the midwives came in to see us and told us she had lit a candle for you at Church, this touched our hearts more than she could ever know! Caroline, the midwife that had looked after Mummy all the way through her pregnancy came in to see you too, she was so sorry but she gave you a squeeze and told you how pretty you were.

In a quieter moment, Daddy took you outside and showed you the flowers, putting some in your hair. You listened to the birds sing together and felt the sun on your faces. Mummy later sat with you for a while and told you all about your room at home and showed you pictures of all your friends. It was such a special day and the memories we have we will cherish forever.

We knew our time was coming to an end though, you were becoming so cold and your body was starting to deteriorate, it was not fair too keep you for much longer so your Daddy and I made plans to say goodbye to you the next day. We cuddled that night, took pictures, kissed every inch of your body, trying desperately to get as much of you as we could.

The morning came and we prepared ourselves for what would be the hardest thing we would ever have to do, leave you! You wanted to leave you with someone you had met so we chose to leave you with Jane. We spent the morning together, we sang you "Twinkle twinkle little star", played with your hands and feet and spent some precious moments in the garden with you. Then came the time to say our final goodbye to your body.

We got you changed so you were in a nice new outfit, we wrapped you in your favourite blanket and popped you in your basket with rabbit and bear. We also put in some of the flowers we had picked together from the garden, a picture of the three of us and letters from us to you. These will stay with you forever Ophelia, so you will never be alone. Mummy and Daddy have a memory box too, we have the same flowers as you, and the same bear, we also have copies of the letters we wrote for you. We have the clothes you wore and one of the blankets we wrapped you in which both smell of you. We also took you hand and foot prints and Mummy is thinking about having them as a tattoo. We have the hospital tags with your name on it and some of the photos the midwives took of us. This box we will treasure forever, we cannot stop looking at it and kissing the photos of you.

We told you we were sorry, and we hoped we made you proud. But most of all we told you we loved you, we would miss you everyday and we would carry with us your soul forever. We kissed you goodbye and watched you go and it was the hardest thing we have ever done but we know you are at peace and you are safe.

It has now been almost 24 hours since we last saw you and we cannot describe the agony we are in but your love and the love we feel for you is really helping us. It is still so raw and we are taking things one step at a time. Today we hope to get some pictures printed and put into frames so we can proudly show you off around the house, we just love seeing the pictures we have of you! We also need to think about your funeral and where to have it, we are going to make a trip up to Olney today to look at the church and Greens burial ground. We think this will be a nice place for you as that way you will be close to your Gran and Grandad and also your Auntie Claire, you will also be close to where your Daddy grew up and got into trouble!!! We will pick the right spot for you and it will be the place that we can be together and remember each other.

I plan to write to you on here too, tell you how we are getting on and what we have been upto. Some of the posts will be happy, some will be sad but all will be full of love for you, our beautiful daughter.

Sleep well for now and I will speak to you tomorrow.

Love you with all our hearts!

Mummy and Daddy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx