Hello Squidgy,
Mummy went into town with your Granny and Grampa Angelinetta today, it was nice to see them. They treated Mummy to a couple of bits from Mummy's favourite shop, it was very kind of them but it is just another thing that none of us should have been doing. Of course, we would have gone shopping but it should have been for the little tutu Mummy had seen before you were born, I know Grandma wanted to buy you one. Now, would we ever get that tutu? If you do have a little sister would I want to buy her a tutu because that vision I had was yours. Mummy knows you wouldn't mind, you would be so happy to see Mummy and Daddy smile but we do have to consider these things.
This month has actually been the most difficult one so far for Mummy (bar July obviously...), I think the shock helped me through the first three months but this month was the start of the real grief. It was the start of "this time last year..." On Monday it will be one year since we found out we had finally fallen pregnant again but all we have to show for all the months of trying and the 9 months of carrying you are memories, photos and a box, what the hell is that about?
How did my daughter turn into a box?
She was meant to be here, asleep in her cot.
How did my life become so dark?
We were meant to be together, skipping along in the park.
How did our house become so empty?
We were meant to have visitors and guests aplenty.
How will we begin to live this new life?
When hope has gone missing and pain cuts like a knife.
I will try to be positive, do what I can
To live your life for you and come up with a plan
To honour your memory and make proud
So you will be smiling from up there in the clouds.
Your Daddy is doing the Milton Keynes Marathon in your honour next year, 26 miles... He is going to start training this weekend, Mummy is very proud of him! He is going to do it as part of Face your fears for Ophelia so hopefully that will raise a bit more money for SANDS and Children are Butterflies. Mummy and Daddy are also dressing up as Superheroes on 14 November as part of SANDS Superheroes, I am sure you will think we look very funny!!!
Mummy met one of her forum friends this week, she is lovely, I hope we get to see each other again! Mummy has also started a bit of a detox (although I might have a wine or two tonight...), it's more of a fertile food diet, I will give anything a go! I am also doing Yoga, you probably saw Mummy looking like a right weirdo earlier in the week as she flung her body into strange shapes and made funny sounds, it helps to relax me though.
Anyway poppet, Mummy and Daddy miss you so, so much. It is so long since we last saw you and we still have forever left until we see you once more! We know you are looking over us and sending your love and wishing for happiness for us. Thank you beautiful!
Love you to the moon, the stars and the sun and back.
Love eternal
Mummy and Daddy
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Friday, 31 October 2014
Thursday, 30 October 2014
Struggling
Hello Poppet,
Mummy needs a little help sweetheart. I am struggling to move forward, this wasn't the life I was expecting, this isn't the life I wanted.
I miss you.
Love eternal.
Mummy
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Mummy needs a little help sweetheart. I am struggling to move forward, this wasn't the life I was expecting, this isn't the life I wanted.
I miss you.
Love eternal.
Mummy
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Thursday, 23 October 2014
Back to the future
Hello Poppet,
Mummy has probably let you down recently, haven't had a lot of strength to be honest, I am just exhausted, tired of all the pain your Daddy and I have endured over the last four years. I haven't even made it out of bed a couple of times. Lazy Mummy eh?! If you were here I would never be able to do that, I'd never probably have understood how lucky I was to be so tired though so thank you for showing me just how precious every second is!
Mummy went to the home yesterday though, spoke to a lovely lady called Doris, she is 95 and looks AMAZING! Sadly she doesn't really like the activities the home puts on, there is lots to do but it just isn't her thing, she likes plays and romance novels! I spoke to her for a while, asked where she was from, whether she liked dancing and how long she has been at the home. She then told me about her daughters and the cruise they had recently been on, she is a sweetheart. It broke Mummy's heart to see her sad so I offered to find her some romance novels from the bookshelf downstairs, when I brought them too her she told me I had cheered her up no end, it made Mummy smile. It is amazing really how just a few moments can make a difference to someone! Mummy knows you would have done things like that too!
Daddy and I are doing this run on Saturday, the tag line is "when life hands you rain, make rainbows!" We thought it was quite fitting to say the least! Mummy and Daddy are very ill prepared though, we have done no training at all but like I say, we haven't had any strength recently! Hopefully we will do ok though with you spurring us on and maybe we will come home with a rainbow!
Mummy has started dreaming about babies, had a dream every night this week so far, I. The dreams I get to hold a baby, I don't know if it is you, I just know that every second I hold the her is a second longer than I thought and I feel so grateful. In one dream the baby had a broken foot, or twisted somehow, Mummy tried to fix it but I just made it worse, is that what I am doing now? I am trying to heal but sometimes I just feel like I am getting worse. Anyway, then I wake up... Dreams can come true I keep trying to tell myself but how can I really believe that when upto now they haven't?
Mummy has started a little chant before she goes to bed, every night after the light goes out and Daddy and I have said our goodnights I lie on my side and start to breathe in and out deeply, right into the depths of my body and repeat the following in my mind at least three times:
"You can get pregnant"
"You can carry a child"
"You can give birth safely"
"You can bring a living baby home"
It is like I am specifically talking to my eggs, willing them on, "you can do it ladies, just have faith!" Mummy thinks it helps to relax me, not sure if it does any good though. Only time will tell I guess!
Anyway sweetheart, Mummy loves you, Daddy loves you, Marley loves you! We miss you all the time! This time last year you were here, maybe only by a day or so but here all the same, one year on, no baby though! One year on for now, Back to the Future will be in the past and hoverboards might exist, let's hope your brother or sister does too!
Love eternal.
Mummy and Daddy
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Mummy has probably let you down recently, haven't had a lot of strength to be honest, I am just exhausted, tired of all the pain your Daddy and I have endured over the last four years. I haven't even made it out of bed a couple of times. Lazy Mummy eh?! If you were here I would never be able to do that, I'd never probably have understood how lucky I was to be so tired though so thank you for showing me just how precious every second is!
Mummy went to the home yesterday though, spoke to a lovely lady called Doris, she is 95 and looks AMAZING! Sadly she doesn't really like the activities the home puts on, there is lots to do but it just isn't her thing, she likes plays and romance novels! I spoke to her for a while, asked where she was from, whether she liked dancing and how long she has been at the home. She then told me about her daughters and the cruise they had recently been on, she is a sweetheart. It broke Mummy's heart to see her sad so I offered to find her some romance novels from the bookshelf downstairs, when I brought them too her she told me I had cheered her up no end, it made Mummy smile. It is amazing really how just a few moments can make a difference to someone! Mummy knows you would have done things like that too!
Daddy and I are doing this run on Saturday, the tag line is "when life hands you rain, make rainbows!" We thought it was quite fitting to say the least! Mummy and Daddy are very ill prepared though, we have done no training at all but like I say, we haven't had any strength recently! Hopefully we will do ok though with you spurring us on and maybe we will come home with a rainbow!
Mummy has started dreaming about babies, had a dream every night this week so far, I. The dreams I get to hold a baby, I don't know if it is you, I just know that every second I hold the her is a second longer than I thought and I feel so grateful. In one dream the baby had a broken foot, or twisted somehow, Mummy tried to fix it but I just made it worse, is that what I am doing now? I am trying to heal but sometimes I just feel like I am getting worse. Anyway, then I wake up... Dreams can come true I keep trying to tell myself but how can I really believe that when upto now they haven't?
Mummy has started a little chant before she goes to bed, every night after the light goes out and Daddy and I have said our goodnights I lie on my side and start to breathe in and out deeply, right into the depths of my body and repeat the following in my mind at least three times:
"You can get pregnant"
"You can carry a child"
"You can give birth safely"
"You can bring a living baby home"
It is like I am specifically talking to my eggs, willing them on, "you can do it ladies, just have faith!" Mummy thinks it helps to relax me, not sure if it does any good though. Only time will tell I guess!
Anyway sweetheart, Mummy loves you, Daddy loves you, Marley loves you! We miss you all the time! This time last year you were here, maybe only by a day or so but here all the same, one year on, no baby though! One year on for now, Back to the Future will be in the past and hoverboards might exist, let's hope your brother or sister does too!
Love eternal.
Mummy and Daddy
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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