Hello gorgeous!
I cannot believe in three weeks you would be one, one whole year old!! It is strange to think I have been a Mummy for almost a year and yet I don't know what it feels like to wake up to my baby crying. I don't know what your cry even sounded like, or your laugh! I don't know if you would have been a chunky baby or skinny like your Daddy. I don't know what your favourite sandwich would have been or you favorite nursery rhyme. It's sad.
Mummy wonders what your first birthday would have been like if you were here. Would we have had a party here or would we have gone somewhere? Who would have come to celebrate with you? Finn and Sofia? Darcy? Frankie and Georgie? I don't know, I know Marley would have had a great time if we had it here! Mummy wouldn't have time to talk to anyone because I would be running around clearing up her accidents! Daddy and I still haven't decided what to do yet, we will go to your tree in Olney but after that I just don't know, cry most likely! It's true what people say, you never get over the loss of your child!
Mummy isn't as fragile as she once was and slowly my confidence is growing but my heart is still so raw. Plus I am scared, all the time. I'm scared of losing someone else I love, I just couldn't cope. There is a certain clarity that comes with experiencing a sudden loss, everything seems so much clearer. The flowers are brighter, the breeze is more refreshing and the love you have for those around you grows so much stronger. Alongside that though is the total knowledge that nothing is certain, nothing can control our fate. There is no balance of good and bad, just because one bad thing happens does not mean something good will next. That is why it is so important to appreciate all you have, it might not always be what you wanted but almost certainly there is someone out there who would move mountains for it. Any future siblings you might have will know that, they will appreciate that and understand just how lucky they are to have such a loving family. That will be your gift to them.
You taught me so much, more than anyone else in my life.
Mummy is sorry that I don't write as much but that doesn't mean I don't think about you, I do all the time, it has just become part of how I breathe. I breathe you in and breathe out the pain, you are part of my being.
I love you so much darling.
Love eternal,
Mummy and Daddy
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Tuesday, 16 June 2015
Tuesday, 12 May 2015
Daddy ran a marathon
Hello Squidgy,
It's been a long time since I last wrote to you, I'm sorry sweetheart, Mummy has just been trying to move forward.
The pain has dulled, or maybe I am just so used to it that I don't notice it as much? I still miss you as much, I still wish you were here but I guess my heart just holds more now, pain and love. So, we have gone through a few milestones over the last couple of months, Mother's Day, 9 months, 40+1 weeks since you left us which means you have been gone longer than we had you and most recently your 10 month anniversary. In less than 2 months you would have been one, one!!! They were hard, especially Mother's Day, Mummy should have been having morning, afternoon and evening snuggles with you but you weren't there! It doesn't mean I am not your Mummy though and some lovely people, including Daddy remembered which brightened my day a bit.
It's not all boohoo though, we have had some brighter moments and they are getting longer now.... Your Daddy ran a marathon last week, Mummy knows you were with him every step of the way so thank you! He did so well, coming in at just over 5 hours which for his first marathon is amazing! Mummy is very proud of him and he raised almost £2000 for SANDS and Children are Butterflies! Emma and Rhys took part too which really helped Daddy, they all did great! It was also Mummy's birthday and our wedding anniversary last month, we didn't do much on our anniversary but we did go to Harry Potter Studios on my birthday which was fun, although Mummy missed out on opening the doors to the great hall! Oh well, Daddy and I had some fun on broomsticks! I wonder if you would have liked Harry Potter? By the time you saw it you probably would have thought it was a bit lame and dated! There are lots of things Mummy wonders about...
Anyway sweetheart, mummy loves you so, so much. We truly wish you could have stayed but we hope you are happy wherever you are.
Mummy knows that we "talk" everyday but I promise I won't leave it so long in between letters next time.
Love eternal.
Mummy and Daddy
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
It's been a long time since I last wrote to you, I'm sorry sweetheart, Mummy has just been trying to move forward.
The pain has dulled, or maybe I am just so used to it that I don't notice it as much? I still miss you as much, I still wish you were here but I guess my heart just holds more now, pain and love. So, we have gone through a few milestones over the last couple of months, Mother's Day, 9 months, 40+1 weeks since you left us which means you have been gone longer than we had you and most recently your 10 month anniversary. In less than 2 months you would have been one, one!!! They were hard, especially Mother's Day, Mummy should have been having morning, afternoon and evening snuggles with you but you weren't there! It doesn't mean I am not your Mummy though and some lovely people, including Daddy remembered which brightened my day a bit.
It's not all boohoo though, we have had some brighter moments and they are getting longer now.... Your Daddy ran a marathon last week, Mummy knows you were with him every step of the way so thank you! He did so well, coming in at just over 5 hours which for his first marathon is amazing! Mummy is very proud of him and he raised almost £2000 for SANDS and Children are Butterflies! Emma and Rhys took part too which really helped Daddy, they all did great! It was also Mummy's birthday and our wedding anniversary last month, we didn't do much on our anniversary but we did go to Harry Potter Studios on my birthday which was fun, although Mummy missed out on opening the doors to the great hall! Oh well, Daddy and I had some fun on broomsticks! I wonder if you would have liked Harry Potter? By the time you saw it you probably would have thought it was a bit lame and dated! There are lots of things Mummy wonders about...
Anyway sweetheart, mummy loves you so, so much. We truly wish you could have stayed but we hope you are happy wherever you are.
Mummy knows that we "talk" everyday but I promise I won't leave it so long in between letters next time.
Love eternal.
Mummy and Daddy
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Monday, 30 March 2015
What it is like to live inside my head
Hello Squidgy,
Mummy would do anything to have you back here, we miss you so very much.
Mummy is trying to retrain her brain, to banish all the negative thoughts about pregnancy and having a baby. I have been doing ok, somedays really well but it is exhausting, it is like listening to a song on endless repeat. Mummy looks forward to sleep because then I am safe, I don't think about trying to get pregnant, as soon as I am awake, the same, the same, the same!
When will we fall pregnant?
Am I pregnant now?
What will happen if I am pregnant, how will I relax?
Why is it so easy for others?
I don't deserve a baby.
I don't deserve happiness.
No! I do deserve a baby.
I do deserve happiness.
Am I pregnant now?
Oh, a cramp, like a period pain but I am not due yet, I only ovulated yesterday.
Oh, I am tired, I need a nap.... Good sign, good sign.
Where have the cramps gone?
I'm not pregnant.
I am pregnant.
I feel sick... I did just drink a cup of tea with almond milk... it could be a sign though.
Nah, it's not happened, we haven't had enough pain yet, we still need to be punished more.
Punished for what? You don't deserve this pain. Your daughter SHOULD be alive.
I wonder what so and so is doing with their newborn?
Will that ever be me?
Pregnancy, baby, pregnancy, baby, pregnancy, baby.
The door is locked for us.
No, it's not.
I AM pregnant!
Aren't I?
Mummy knows everyone deserves a baby but why do we have to work so hard? Mummy has tried so many things:
Reflexology
Acupunture
Chinese Herbs
Hypnotherapy
Yoga
Meditation
Self help books
Counselling
Pineapple, Brazil nuts, only hot food and lots of orange food after ovulation.
No refined carbs, spinach, eggs (not runny), only small amounts of dairy, cut right down on sweet things
Supplements
Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, a million times, sex.
What is the norm? Sex.
Mummy doesn't begrudge doing these things, your little brother or sister is unbelievably worth it but is it wrong for me to just want it to be a little easier? Is it wrong for Mummy to want what other people have? Mummy has all this love to give but no living baby to pour it into, Mummy just wants to look after a baby, love him or her and be the best I can be.
The record must be coming to an end. It is coming to an end, I am going to fall pregnant, this is my month! It certainly fucking should be.
I'm sorry this letter isn't about you, Mummy loves and misses you so, so much. Everyday I wake up to a silent house, that wasn't the plan!
I have opened your door though now, I talk to your future sibling and tell them that it will be their room soon. We will change a few things and keep certain things just for you, we will never forget you.
Daddy says hello and he loves you so very much.
Love eternal.
Mummy and Daddy
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Mummy would do anything to have you back here, we miss you so very much.
Mummy is trying to retrain her brain, to banish all the negative thoughts about pregnancy and having a baby. I have been doing ok, somedays really well but it is exhausting, it is like listening to a song on endless repeat. Mummy looks forward to sleep because then I am safe, I don't think about trying to get pregnant, as soon as I am awake, the same, the same, the same!
When will we fall pregnant?
Am I pregnant now?
What will happen if I am pregnant, how will I relax?
Why is it so easy for others?
I don't deserve a baby.
I don't deserve happiness.
No! I do deserve a baby.
I do deserve happiness.
Am I pregnant now?
Oh, a cramp, like a period pain but I am not due yet, I only ovulated yesterday.
Oh, I am tired, I need a nap.... Good sign, good sign.
Where have the cramps gone?
I'm not pregnant.
I am pregnant.
I feel sick... I did just drink a cup of tea with almond milk... it could be a sign though.
Nah, it's not happened, we haven't had enough pain yet, we still need to be punished more.
Punished for what? You don't deserve this pain. Your daughter SHOULD be alive.
I wonder what so and so is doing with their newborn?
Will that ever be me?
Pregnancy, baby, pregnancy, baby, pregnancy, baby.
The door is locked for us.
No, it's not.
I AM pregnant!
Aren't I?
Mummy knows everyone deserves a baby but why do we have to work so hard? Mummy has tried so many things:
Reflexology
Acupunture
Chinese Herbs
Hypnotherapy
Yoga
Meditation
Self help books
Counselling
Pineapple, Brazil nuts, only hot food and lots of orange food after ovulation.
No refined carbs, spinach, eggs (not runny), only small amounts of dairy, cut right down on sweet things
Supplements
Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, a million times, sex.
What is the norm? Sex.
Mummy doesn't begrudge doing these things, your little brother or sister is unbelievably worth it but is it wrong for me to just want it to be a little easier? Is it wrong for Mummy to want what other people have? Mummy has all this love to give but no living baby to pour it into, Mummy just wants to look after a baby, love him or her and be the best I can be.
The record must be coming to an end. It is coming to an end, I am going to fall pregnant, this is my month! It certainly fucking should be.
I'm sorry this letter isn't about you, Mummy loves and misses you so, so much. Everyday I wake up to a silent house, that wasn't the plan!
I have opened your door though now, I talk to your future sibling and tell them that it will be their room soon. We will change a few things and keep certain things just for you, we will never forget you.
Daddy says hello and he loves you so very much.
Love eternal.
Mummy and Daddy
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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