Your day

Hello Lily-Bop,

 

How does Mummy tell you about the last couple of days? About the day we laid you to rest? About the day that broke your Mummy and Daddy's hearts all over again?

Tuesday morning was hard for Mummy, she just sobbed and sobbed. Mummy's brain just keeps playing tricks on her and coming to terms with your absence from my tummy and our house is so very difficult. If you were still alive you would certainly be with us by now and our phone would be ringing off the hook with people wanting to meet you. It is such an awful shame, you would have loved them all.

Daddy wanted to get a new, colourful shirt for your funeral so we went to Next near our house to try to find one. We walked around the shop like zombies, not really looking at anything, only really noticing the one thing that brought us the most anguish... baby things! Daddy and I wandered around the men's department a few times but only really noticed one shirt, Daddy decided to buy it. We left the shop and came back home and waited for my doctors appointment.

Once out of the doctors, Mummy had a call from Caroline, she would be round to see us in around 30 minutes time. Caroline is going to have an operation on Friday and will not be back at work for a few weeks so it was nice to see her again before she goes off. Once again she put Mummy and Daddy's mind at rest with a few questions we had, including when we will get your post-mortem results. We should get a letter in the next couple of weeks inviting us to come to the hospital for an appointment with a consultant. Hopefully we will get some answers as why you could not stay here with us. I hope we do and are not left with no explanation, that would just add to our distress.

The rest of the day was a mixture of tears and anxiety as your funeral got closer and closer. Mummy wrote an email to SANDS to try and release some of the frustration and pent up emotions and then her and Daddy went up to bed for what would surely be a difficult night.

Mummy and Daddy woke up this morning having, surprisingly had a pretty good night's sleep but as soon as they woke up the panic set it. Daddy and I just wanted to hide away in our room and pretend that all of this wasn't happening. We knew we couldn't do that, we had to be strong for you and give you the best day we could.

We got up and got ourselves ready, Mummy spent about an hour curling her hair (only for it to drop out around halfway through the day, boooooooo) and even painted her nails glittery pink for you. We both wanted to look good for you, I hope we did!

Once we were ready we sat and had a cup of tea to help calm us down before Ann arrived to pick us up, it didn't help. Both Daddy and I were really scared of seeing your little coffin, we had such an awful image in our minds of what it would be like. Daddy started to pace the room and Mummy just sat on the coffee table tapping her feet, I'm sure we looked quite funny to you. Ann arrived at 12.30pm on the dot, walking out to the car was one of the scariest moments of Mummy and Daddy's life, no parent should see their child's coffin. Mummy rounded the corner and there, right in front of me was the funeral car with your tiny casket inside. I walked down the steps, tear flowing down my face and saw two men in a Carlsberg Van gawking, followed by two women across the road stopping and staring into the car. Do one you inconsiderate arseholes, have a little respect!

Ann gave me a hug and eased me into the car, your casket next to me. It was wicker and had pink ribbons tied around it and your name engraved on a small wooden plaque. I quickly realised that I had nothing to be scared of, it was just your new cozy bed to sleep in and you, at last were with us again. As we left Northampton Daddy read you "The Gruffalo", a present from your Fauntie Tilly, he was so brave and didn't cry once. Mummy would have soaked you if she had of read it! Did you like the story? We have left it with you to remember us by.

Not long after that we arrived at the church, our families stood outside ready to offer us some much needed support. Ann asked Daddy if he wanted to carry you in and he accepted immediately. Ann then passed Mummy the flowers we had bought for you and we were ready to go in. Once we reached the doors to the Church the song that Mummy had sang to you when she had first found out you were on the way came on, it is a very special song to Mummy (and Daddy too now) and once again I couldn't hold back the tears.

The church was full of people but the mixture of tears, anxiety and determination to get to the front of the Church without breaking down completely meant we didn't really see anyone. We placed you on the table at the front of the Church, gentled stroked your casket and took our seats. The service was lovely, your Auntie Heather read a poem for you, then the vicar read a story about Waterbugs and Dragonflies and the full version of "Twinkle Twinkle" was played. It was beautiful.

It was time for us to leave the Church and head for the burial ground, another song Mummy had sung to you was played as we walked out of the Church. Daddy was being so strong, he held you in his arms and proudly walked with you to the car, he really is so proud of you! Once again Mummy and Daddy only saw a few people, it was all very overwhelming but we were so touched by the number of people that had come to say goodbye to you. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Once we arrived at the burial ground we had some time with you before everyone else arrived, it was nice to have that time, we just told you we loved and missed you, did you hear? Everyone arrived and we walked with you to your graveside, there was a butterfly flying with us, we know that was you, thank you sweetie for coming to say hello. The vicar delivered the final part of the service, although Mummy does not remember any of it, watching your wicker bed being lowered into the ground broke our hearts. We want you back!

All your family and closest friends placed a single red rose on top of you and sent their love and it was time to say our goodbyes. Mummy needed to wait until everyone had made their way back to their cars to say goodnight, I just wanted you all to myself one last time (Daddy was there of course though). Mummy and Daddy sprinkled some of your favourite flower, lavender over you and whispered sweet nothings and started the hard walk back to the car without you. We know we have a hard time ahead but knowing you are finally at peace gives us some closure, you have a place now and you are all tucked in.

We got back in the car Ann had left a memory box for us, it was full of things to remind us of you, you have some of the items with you too, we hope you like them. Then we made our way back to your Grandma and Grampa H's house for some food and to release all the pretty balloons your other Grandparents had bought for you. We all talked for a while about anything and everything, you included. It was nice to see all our friends and know they are there for us. Someone had told us there was a Butterfly in the Church before the service, you really were there weren't you? We then went out to the back garden to release the balloons, Daddy made a toast to you and we all let them fly above our heads, it was beautiful. Just. Like. You.

It was getting late and everyone shad children and lives to get back to so your Daddy and I thanked them each for coming and arranged to go home too. We bought some wine on the way home, knowing we would need to take the edge off later, it had been a lovely, horrible day for us both.

We sat with Heather for a while before she went home to fast for a blood test tomorrow, then it was just your Daddy and I. We made a private toast to you, watched Blue Jasmine (which is actually very good, Cate Blanchet was amazing in it) and now we are ready to go to bed.

We hope you liked your day gorgeous, we will come and see you in the next couple of days.

Sleep well for now and I will speak to you again tomorrow.

Love eternal.

Mummy and Daddy

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

"A Thousand Years" - Christina Perri

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave?
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall?
But watching you stand alone,
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow.

One step closer

I have died every day waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

I have died every day waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

I have died every day waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

https://www.uk-sands.org/
www.childrenarebutterflies.org.uk/