Tuesday, 16 June 2015

3 weeks...

Hello gorgeous!

I cannot believe in three weeks you would be one, one whole year old!! It is strange to think I have been a Mummy for almost a year and yet I don't know what it feels like to wake up to my baby crying. I don't know what your cry even sounded like, or your laugh! I don't know if you would have been a chunky baby or skinny like your Daddy. I don't know what your favourite sandwich would have been or you favorite nursery rhyme. It's sad.

Mummy wonders what your first birthday would have been like if you were here. Would we have had a party here or would we have gone somewhere? Who would have come to celebrate with you? Finn and Sofia? Darcy? Frankie and Georgie? I don't know, I know Marley would have had a great time if we had it here! Mummy wouldn't have time to talk to anyone because I would be running around clearing up her accidents! Daddy and I still haven't decided what to do yet, we will go to your tree in Olney but after that I just don't know, cry most likely! It's true what people say, you never get over the loss of your child!

Mummy isn't as fragile as she once was and slowly my confidence is growing but my heart is still so raw. Plus I am scared, all the time. I'm scared of losing someone else I love, I just couldn't cope. There is a certain clarity that comes with experiencing a sudden loss, everything seems so much clearer. The flowers are brighter, the breeze is more refreshing and the love you have for those around you grows so much stronger. Alongside that though is the total knowledge that nothing is certain, nothing can control our fate. There is no balance of good and bad, just because one bad thing happens does not mean something good will next. That is why it is so important to appreciate all you have, it might not always be what you wanted but almost certainly there is someone out there who would move mountains for it. Any future siblings you might have will know that, they will appreciate that and understand just how lucky they are to have such a loving family. That will be your gift to them.

You taught me so much, more than anyone else in my life.

Mummy is sorry that I don't write as much but that doesn't mean I don't think about you, I do all the time, it has just become part of how I breathe. I breathe you in and breathe out the pain, you are part of my being.

I love you so much darling.

Love eternal,

Mummy and Daddy