Saturday, 12 July 2014

Anger setting in....

Dear Lily Bop,

Hello sweetie, I hope you are having fun up there.

I am sorry Mummy and Daddy are still so sad, I haven't stopped crying for 6 straight days and I worked out last night that I had only eaten 1 pot of fruit, 5 bits of toast, 1 packet of crisps a small slice of pizza and 2 croissants since Sunday morning. I just can't stomach anything, neither can Daddy really, although he has probably had a couple more packets of crisps, he is the crisp monster, ROAR! I have almost lost all my baby weight already! My tummy, although a little saggy, is pretty much back to normal, I am the envy of all the "Normal" Mummy's out there! I envy them though, I miss your bump so much, I wish you were still in it, just taking your time to come out and say hello! It just feels like your absence is temporary, that you are coming back and we will start our lives together then, but it is an illusion, you, my sweet, sweet girl have gone and we are left behind trying to work out how to mend. It is agony without you!

When I spoke with Caroline yesterday, I told her I had not felt any anger, today I did! After the few years your Daddy and I have had, losing your older brother/sister to miscarriage, going through 18 months of pain trying to conceive again, both of us being made redundant (not at the same time thankfully) and now this. You were healthy up until the last minute Ophelia and then you were snatched away!  It is not fair! We are good people and (we hope) we were (are) an amazing Mummy and Daddy, we do not deserve this! Not that anyone does but this isn't happening to just anyone, it is happening to us and I just cannot fathom it.

There are 11 beautiful babies born sleeping in UK every day, 11! Out of 2,200 births per day, that is a 0.5% chance, how were you in that 0.5%?!!! How does that percentage even exist?!!! All I hope is that the lovely doctors at Oxford, who are carrying out your post mortem now (I hope they are keeping you warm) find out a reason why, Mummy just fears that like the odds predict, there simply isn't any rhyme or reason!

Anyway, I'm sorry little one, I know that must be hard for you to hear and please do not feel guilty, it was not your fault! Mummy just needs get things of her chest because this pain can be overwhelming! I will try to keep it lighter from now on....

I know Mummy has told you about the lovely things people have said and done but we really cannot believe the amount of support your Daddy and I have had, it has been fantastic (all I hear when I use that word is the man from the Barclays advert when he is shown how to use Skype!). Just today, a girl from work, who really, Mummy hardly knows, offered to name a star after you which was beautiful and very poignant as we had called you our diamond in the sky after we sang you twinkle twinkle. I was blown away by her thoughtfulness, Susan, if you are reading this, thank you very much :-). It is all for you though Ophelia, so many people loved you, even ones you had never met.

Lots of people have been telling Mummy that these letters I write to you are very brave too. To me it is just Mummy telling her special little one all about her day, good and bad. It is nice to hear though, something positive to come from us being away from each other.

Jane, the lady who looked after you after we had gone, came round to see us today, she is such a nice lady and she has a real understanding of how we feel. She sat with us for a couple of hours, we talked about you mainly but we also talked about us, our lives, completely unrelated things like how Marley won't eat dog food and thinks she is a human, it was good to think about something other than the hurt we are going through. She like the picture of your bum we have put on the fireplace by the way, she hadn't seen that done before!

We got some more flowers too yesterday, the house if full of flowers and cards. I love to see them as they remind me of you but how I wish they were "Congratulations" cards, not "With Sympathy". I yearn for a magic wand to fall into my lap that I can swish above my head and say some enchantment that brings you back to us. It is all your Mummy and Daddy think about, you being with us. One day. One Day.

Your "Big Sis" misses you too you know, she has been acting very strange over the past couple of days, not wanting to be apart from Mummy, smelling my deflated tummy, not eating her ham (that is a REALLY big deal, she LOVES ham). They say that dogs know when something is wrong and she is no exception. Will you look after her Ophelia? She is also very precious to us.

Mummy and Daddy lit a candle and made a toast to you last night, did you like it? Mummy had her first glass of wine in almost 9 months, it made her feel a little sleepy, which wasn't a bad thing after the lack of sleep we have had. Mummy was a bit worried if she could have one or not because of the antibiotics, so she text Caroline to ask. Caroline rang back and just said "Ab-so-bloody-lutely" ( I don't want to hear you repeat that by the way...), Mummy laughed.

You know, Mummy was thinking last night that you have brought her and Daddy closer, we talk more, touch more, support each other more. We are in completely in sync with each other, you did that Ophelia, your love did that, thank you for giving us this gift, we promise not to squander it.

Anyway, time is ticking on, your Daddy and I are thinking of getting away, I will let you know what we choose to do in my next letter.

Love you baby!

Mummy and Daddy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

PS - Daddy is smelly! :-)

No comments:

Post a Comment