Friday, 11 July 2014

The little things

To you, our beautiful Ophelia,

Yesterday morning your Daddy and I just sat in bed for a long time, we had your blanket in between us which made us feel like you were there. We talked about you and how we could arrange some of your photos. We are going to have your hand and foot prints in our bedroom along with a photo of the three of us and the "O" we had brought to go on your bedroom door, we figure that way you will always be close by.

There was a knock at the door around 10am, neither of us wanted to get it, we just want to shut the world out and live in our Ophelia bubble! I'm glad we did get up though, Daddy's best friend Lewis and his girlfriend Jenni had sent us some flowers, Roses and Lilies to be precise. We decided we would like to always have some Lilies in our room, they, like you, are so pretty and they are your namesake after all. We bought a special vase for them to go in, it is made from wood and has a heart carved in the middle, you would like it I'm sure.

Shortly afterwards we had another knock, it was Caroline, she had come to check up on how Mummy was doing after the birth. She held Mummy's hand and gave Daddy and I a cuddle as we are missing you so very much! She checked Mummy's tummy and asked if I was in any pain, please know I am not, not physically at least, apart from my very puffy eyes! I don't mind that though, I have to cry, as does Daddy, it makes us feel a bit better! We had a nice chat and she managed to take our minds off the pain for a few minutes, she even made us laugh as she saw the One Direction DVD that Mummy had bought Daddy for a joke, she told Daddy he was silly for liking them! It's the little things like that that will help us to heal I think.

She also explained that if Mummy and Daddy were to get pregnant again that we would get much more support next time, to try and avoid what happened to you from happening again. That really helped us as we know, in time, we do want to have another baby, especially now we have seen how good we are at it! Please know though sweetheart, you will never be replaced, never be forgotten, you will always be our beloved daughter. Any future brothers or sisters will learn all about their big sis in the sky!

Remember I told you yesterday that we were going to Olney to see the church and the burial ground? Well we did that, it was very difficult but we think we are making the right choice for you. The church is very old, and very grand, it has been on the TV don't you know?!! It is big too so that lots of your friends and family can be there to say goodbye. We hope we can do the service there.

The burial ground is different to most, it is very special as there are no headstones, each plot has it's own tree that will be planted above your grave and you will also get a wooden plaque so we will all know which tree is yours. Mummy and Daddy think this will be perfect for you, each year the tree will grow like you would and it will always be the same age as you. We thought it would be a way for us to give you life, a way to see the world, it would also be a way for us to watch you grow. We hope we are making the right choice for you. We would be able to come and see you whenever we want, we can also plant some flowers around your tree, maybe some lavender and snowdrops like you saw in hospital, how does that sound?

When we were leaving the burial ground I saw a little butterfly, it was flying slightly in front of me, very low to the ground. I pictured you toddling in front of me with your hands out to the side feeling the long grass, was that you saying hello? I like to think it was.

When we got back home we took Marley for a walk, the weather was so nice, it must be you bringing it our way! Mummy cried in the park as she thought about how you weren't there. Up until Sunday morning, you my baby, were perfectly safe, perfectly healthy and you had an almighty kick on you. You should have been with us in your bright red buggy looking up at your Mummy and Daddy as they push you along... there were no signs that you weren't well! I'm so very sorry if you tried to tell me and I missed it! All I ever wanted was to keep you safe, I am sorry I could not! One day we will go walking together, me, Daddy, you and Marley, I promise!

Daddy started to print out your pictures, he is picking the very best! I can't wait for them to fill the house so I can kiss you once more (your teenage self is cringing by the way!!). Whilst printing out the photos we noticed in one that we had taken just before we said goodbye that there was a glow around you with hints of green and pink, we decided to look up auras and this is what we found:

Green: restful, modifying energy, natural healing ability. All natural healers should have it. People with a green strong point in their Auras are natural healers. The stronger the green Aura, the better the healer. They also love gardening and usually have a "green hand" - anything grows for them. Being in a presence of a person with a strong and green Aura is a very peaceful and restful experience. Green thought indicates a restful state and healing.

Pink (=purple+red): love (in a spiritual sense). To obtain a clean pink, you need to mix the purple (the highest frequency we perceive) with red (the lowest frequency). Pink Aura indicates that the person achieved a perfect balance between spiritual awareness and the material existence. The most advanced people have not only a yellow halo around the head (a permanent strong point in the Aura) but also a large pink Aura extending further away. The pink color in the Aura is quite rare on Earth and appears only as a temporary thought, never as a strong point in the Aura.

We thought that summed you up perfectly, our loving, peaceful girl.

It's good that you would have liked gardens to as our friends Charlotte and Ian had discovered a rose named Ophelia. They have so very kindly ordered us one that we can plant in the garden by the apple tree, each summer these roses will bloom around your birthday, another delightful reminder of you. Mummy and Daddy promise to learn some gardening skills so we can look after it for you.

It had been another busy day for us, full of things we had never expected we would be doing after your arrival! We thought our sleepless nights would be because of nappy changes and feeds, not nightmares and tears! We needed to give ourselves a break from the pain so we watched TV for the first time since the tragic news that your heart had stopped. We only watched for an hour and chose to watch our favourite action man, Jack Bauer trying to take down Russian terrorists. We watched it with you though, Mummy has her favourite picture of you as a screensaver on her phone, I kept it brightly on the whole way through. You would have been a big fan when you were older! It felt normal, which in turn made us feel guilty, we aren't ready to be normal! We have to find ways to do things like that though so we aren't swallowed up by grief, we know you understand.

After that is was bedtime for us so we grabbed your blanket, kissed you goodnight on my phone and whispered we loved you into the darkness.

Until tomorrow sweet girl!

Love you to the moon and back, infinite times!

Mummy and Daddy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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