Mummy is up early again, sleep is a distant memory since last week, the most I can manage is around 4/5 hours. I am scared I think, scared that I do not dream of you (is that you, is it too early for Mummy to see you in that way?), scared of that moment after I wake up where everything is fine, where you are either in Mummy's tummy or you are in the Moses basket next to our bed. My tummy aches, you are not there, an empty space, your not there either. You. Are. Gone.
Last Sunday, Mummy woke up as normal around 8am, she got up to go to the bathroom, something felt different. Naively she shrugged it off, went downstairs and had breakfast. Something still felt different. Mummy poked her belly expecting the usual ripple, your leg stretching, your arm reaching out. Nothing. Something felt different. "Come on baby" was running through my head with each poke, it got faster and more desperate each time. I knew. I went to the bathroom, my tummy felt lighter, I knew.
I came downstairs, tears in my eyes, not wanting to believe it. Your Daddy looked at me and asked what was wrong. "She is not moving!". Daddy had heard these words before, but never accompanied with tears. "Everything is fine!".
"It's not!" Mummy thought.
"Do you want me to ring the hospital?" Daddy asked
Mummy nodded. She knew.
The hospital told us to come down, "We are sure everything is fine!" they had told Daddy.
We arrived just after 10am, the receptionist asked my name and told me not to worry, you were probably just in a deep sleep. They gave me a pot to go pee in and asked us to go through to the waiting room. Pregnant women. Happy pregnant women. Sad Mummy. They called us into a room, asked me to lie on the bed and got out the doppler. My heart was racing, please come up, please come up. Nothing.
"Don't worry! Don't worry! It could just be hiding." the midwife remarked. It wasn't hiding, I knew it wasn't hiding. Caroline had always found it first time. "I'm going to try a different one." Nothing. "Look, don't worry. I am going to get you in for a scan. Stay there one minute." We both knew, Daddy had been welcomed into the nightmare.
They ushered us into the room with the scanner, I led down, Maria came in, turned on the machine and put the jelly on my tummy. "I need to get the doctor." We had been here before, two years and 5 days ago. We knew. The doctor came in, looked and nodded. No one was saying anything. I did. "There is no heartbeat is there?".
Tears. Tears that haven't stopped. Tears that just get stronger and stronger, bigger and bigger. Once again we had lost the most precious thing in the world to us and our hearts just shattered. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" I kept saying to you, to Daddy, I had let you both down.
Hand holding. Hugs. Chatter about what to do next. We. Had. Lost. You.
We were taken to a room out the back of the ward, away from everyone. I rang your Nanna, no answer. I rang your Grandad, phone off. I rang your Auntie Heather. "Yes????" Heather is going to go and live in the States for two years on 6 August so I had asked her to be a birthing partner, she was expecting me to say "It's happening..."
"We've lost the baby!"
"We have lost the baby!"
Oh god! My head was spinning, this was a dream, yup, I'm sure, this is a dream. Daddy couldn't bring himself to tell his parents he had lost his baby girl, he was broken. Mummy had broken him.
Mummy's family came, tears rolling down their faces. "What happened? What happens now?" Silence.
Daddy told them I would be induced and that within the next 36 hours give birth to you, our sleeping baby. Our gorgeous girl had died.
We were taken to another room, a room next to a couple with a crying baby. Agony. The hospital had tried hard to get us a private room until the room you would eventually be born in, the Snowdrop Suite, which is used solely in situations like ours was ready, this was the best they could do. The midwife was lovely, telling us what was going to happen, comforting us, offering us food/water/anything to make us more comfortable. Here is what could make me more comfortable, my baby, my baby being ALIVE! This is a really long dream...
Eventually around 4pm we were taken to the Snowdrop Suite, it had a kitchen, an en-suite, a TV, some chairs and a garden. All Mummy really saw was the bed. That bed. The bed I would give birth to you on, the bed I would loose you forever on. It's not a dream. I. Am. Terrified.
Daddy. Is. Terrified.
Midwives came and went, blood pressure checks every hour or so. Sleeping tablets. No sleep. Tomorrow was going to be worse than today, tomorrow was the day that scared us the most...
Mummy is sorry if this has upset you sweetheart, I just need to get it out.
Anyway, our day...
Our day was nice, better than either of us had expected. Mummy wrote to you in the morning. You know, our letters are one of my favourite parts of the day because for a couple of hours you are here, next to me as I tell you everything that is happening. Its our time Ophelia, our time.
Then, the crazy cleaning lady came out, Mummy was on a mission. She went upstairs and as soon a Daddy went to the bathroom, off came the duvet cover. "Are you getting back into bed?" Mummy asked Daddy as he walked back in "Obviously not!" Daddy laughed. It is so nice to laugh Ophelia, even if it is only for a second. Daddy normally hates Mummy's cleaning moods, I get up and have this overwhelming urge to clean the whole house and I do expect Daddy to help out, even if it is 7 o'clock in the morning. It is mad I know but don't tell Daddy I said that! Today Daddy just helped, no grumbles, just help. I love Daddy very much Ophelia, without him I truly would be nothing.
Around 12pm there was a knock at the door, it was your Grandma and Grandad, Auntie and Uncle. They had come round to give us some flowers that Heather's friend Vikki had sent us, Thank you Vikki! They also had a gift for Mummy, a silver "O" to put on her bracelet, it was really thoughtful and I love it. You just keep getting closer to me. They didn't stay long as they didn't want to intrude. They hugged us both and left.
Mummy and Daddy had decided we wanted some more pictures of you around the house so we went and bought some more frames. We have spent a fortune on frames! You are more than worth it though little one, we would do anything for you. Before we could start to fill them though your other Grandma and Grandad and Auntie Claire came round. They had bought your Mummy and Daddy some wine and chocolate to cheer us up, Mummy and Daddy love wine and chocolate :-). We sat and had a cup of tea and chatted about you, what our plans were for your funeral, how we had been getting on etc etc. Your Nanna has been making you a lovely present, I will tell you all about it once we get it! They miss you, as does the Angelinetta tribe, you would have been so spoilt!
After they finished their tea they went back home and Daddy and I immersed ourselves in you for the afternoon. We printed and hung loads of pictures of you and now you fill the house. We love it, everywhere we turn, there you are. Your little squidge face makes us smile. You simply are beautiful.
It was quite late when we finished and once again we realised we hadn't really eaten all day so we popped a ready meal in the oven and sat down in front of the TV.
It is getting late and tomorrow is a busy day so I will have to say goodnight.
We love you. We. Love. You. FOREVER!
Mummy and Daddy
For help and support visit - https://www.uk-sands.org/
For help and support visit - https://www.uk-sands.org/