Sunday, 30 November 2014

I quit

Hello gorgeous girl,

You have no idea how much we miss you! It hurts so much!

Mummy thought about Christmas today, that we will be coming to your grave to see you and your only gift will be flowers and maybe a card! How on earth did this happen? Why did it happen? Mummy knows she says it all the time but it is how I feel all the time! Mummy cannot take anymore, I give up, I quit!

Mummy feels like her favourite word is hopefully, hopefully it will be our turn this month, hopefully things will get easier soon, hopefully next year will be better. Sadly, Mummy keeps saying it but nothing is changing! How much more pain do we have to go through, how much more suffering? Mummy feels like she is being greedy but all I want is to be a Mummy, a Mummy that other people acknowledge as a Mummy! I am your Mummy and I am so, so proud of that but I want to be an earth Mummy too! Most women want that, most women get it but every person that wants a baby should be able to have one! Sadly though, Mummy knows so many Mummies and Daddies who are exactly where we are... In hell! We don't want lots of money (although if Mummy and Daddy had money we would give loads to SANDS and find the best fertility doctor in the world), we don't want big houses, flash cars or material things. We just want our children! Is that wrong? Is it wrong of us to want to be happy? Do we deserve this awful fate? Of course we don't but we all deserve a break!

Anyway, Mummy is sorry, those happier letters still live firmly on the horizon. Mummy has started a couple of projects to bring a bit of happiness back in to her life, I hope you saw them and like them so far. Mummy made a pillow for you yesterday, all hand-stitched, Daddy was pretty proud of me! We are going out today to buy some baubles for the SANDS Christmas memorial tree, we are going to decorate them ourselves with your name and birthday, we hope we don't mess them up!

Mummy and Daddy went to another SANDS meeting the other day, we saw Jane, she is going to arrange some extra tests for Mummy to see what is going on. Jane has also arranged some counselling which starts next Friday, Mummy needs to talk to someone about how she feels, someone that is able to help her cope. Mummy really hopes it helps because I cannot go on the way I am anymore. The meeting was "good", they played the video which Mummy and Daddy contributed to. It was heartbreaking to see name after name, baby after baby, family after broken family flash up on the screen and those were just a snippet of families who have suffered the loss of their baby. Mummy and Daddy were very proud to see your bottom and your name up there though and pleased that we could do something to help, even if it is only very small.

So Daddy has booked another challenge, he will be flying a microlight in January so for a little while he will be closer to you in the sky. He is very scared but Mummy is very proud of him! Mummy needs to arrange something soon too, it is not that I do not want to do the challenges, it is just that one challenge is more important! Mummy will do some more I promise you!

Anyway sweetheart, is is gone 12pm and Mummy is still in bed... I should really get up! Mummy and Daddy love you so very much and wish every second of every single day that things turned out differently. We truly do!

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy

Saturday, 22 November 2014

Dear whoever...

Hello Ophelia,

Mummy has a letter I was wondering if you send? I don't know who it is to, I don't know if it is to anyone... I guess there is a part of Mummy that hopes that everything isn't just random. That there is a giant scale for good and bad luck and that ours will be tipped for good luck soon. Mummy is just willing to give anything go right now.

Dear Whoever or whatever controls our lives,

My name is Sarah Hancon, I fear you may have forgotten me... Either that or you do not like me. It would be easier if you had forgotten me because hopefully this letter would prompt you to change our fate. If it is the latter, could you tell me what I did? I never meant to upset you, I am sorry if I have, I do try my very best to be a good person.

You see all we have wanted for the past three years is a little baby, a son or daughter to take care of, to love. We thought our dreams were about to come true but our precious daughter was snatched right at the last minute. You see, we have lost two children now and been through months and months of trying. I just don't understand, why is it so much more difficult for us? Have we done something that means we don't deserve happiness? Or is it just a mistake, did you not realise we were hurting so much? If that is the case, please could you send the stalk our way?

It is the most natural thing in the world, I'm not being greedy, just one living child is all I would like. Over the past three years this love has grown inside me, Ophelia was meant to be the recipient of that love but I can only love her in my mind, I can't kiss her, touch her or do anything for her. This love I have is trapped, nowhere to go! I know if we were to be blessed with a sibling for Ophelia they would be loved beyond imagination but for the moment it is just so painful. Sometimes I feel so lonely, so low that I just can't fight anymore. I just want to sleep until a happier time but I am worried it is just not coming...

We did everything right, washed all our veg, took vitamins, didn't have a drop of alcohol but was there something I missed?! Did I eat something I shouldn't have? Was the bath too hot? Did I eat too many biscuits? Sounds ridiculous to be asking these things but when you did nothing wrong and your daughter died of nothing you search for anything. I promise, I will do EVERYTHING I can if you give us another chance. I will look up every food, I will get loads of rest, I won't lift anything, I'll have baths that make me go goose pimply and I'll steer clear of biscuits! I will never take any of it for granted, from the first heartbeat to their very last a hundred years later!

Please! I beg you!

Love and so much hope,

Sarah xx

Thank you for sending this for Mummy and Daddy, we love you so, so much! You are amazing!

Love eternal,

Mummy & Daddy


Friday, 21 November 2014

Planting your tree

Hello Gorgeous,

How are you? Are you being looked after? I know you have lots of wonderful friends to keep you company but how Mummy wishes it were us that kept you warm at night.

Mummy and Daddy have just planted your tree for you, it is a crab apple and hopefully it will have pink flowers when it blooms. Pink for a baby girl. It is the last thing we will ever physically do for you, how sad is that?! We put a tree in the ground on top of your grave, what happened to tickling your tummy and stroking your cheeks?! Mummy and Daddy imagined a future with you, we imagined what it would be like to take you on walks, to see your first steps, to hear you laugh, to watch you grow and become a woman. Mummy wishes she had spent more time imagining what the small things would be like before you died because now I realise how utterly important it all is.

There is a thought that keeps creeping into Mummy's head, what if we are never going to watch our child grow up?! What if we never get another chance?! Mummy tries to push it away, remembering that you were almost here and you were perfect but it is hard. A few days before you were born Mummy had the most upsetting thought, "What is she is stillborn or dies just after she is born?" Mummy shook it off thinking it was just to awful and that you were fine... Maybe I just knew something deep down. There are a few things that scream at me now, 'You knew!' Whenever I was asked how you were my response was almost always, "She is fine, I think!" Even though I could feel you, I couldn't see you, no-one can but even in my daydreams about the future I couldn't. Mummy and Daddy decided not to post anything about the pregnancy on social media, we wanted it to be old school... Mummy's baby shower was the week before you died and a couple of things were posted by mistake. Mummy asked people to de-tag me because I wanted to "wait until you were here safe and sound"... those words will haunt me forever! I had a conversation in the two weeks leading up to your birth, "I just feel like she is never going to get here!" Sadly I was right! It is these random moments that make it harder to believe it might happen for us, if I don't feel like it will, even if it is only for a few moments, maybe it just won't! Maybe I just have a 'gift'! Mummy is trying though, remembering that for every horrible thought, I had a million lovely ones. Our thoughts do not control the outcome! Jeanette helps Mummy to think a lot more clearly, thanks to her Mummy has learnt to be less hard on herself too... Recent events are not her fault!

Daddy and I went to see 'The Woman in Black' with your Grandma and Grandad A the other day, it was really good. I think Daddy was a bit scared in places but that was probably due to the high pitched wails of a bunch of school kids in the dress circle... They were so loud! They added to the atmosphere though. We also had a fun day on Sunday going to the driving range and for a roast with J9, Chattington, Chlo and Nic. The boys, of course were good but Mummy was quite surprised at her skills, it probably had something to do with a heck load of pent up frustration... We still need to buy that punch bag! J9 bought Mummy a lovely gift from Hong Kong, a Mulberry bag... Lucky Mummy eh?! We are hopefully seeing them all again this weekend to go and watch 'The Hunger Games' together.

Mummy spent most of the day on Saturday with the lovely Jess, or JCB as Mummy likes to call her (affectionately). We went for some lunch, we had a nice chat mostly about you, we chatted so much we were actually asked to leave, Mummy hadn't even finished her drink! Jess came to see you with Mummy, she likes your little house. Mummy is so glad we are back in touch properly, she is an amazing lady!

So you must have seen Mummy last Friday when she dressed up as Robin... I did it for SANDS and I raised £60 but in total we raised around £500 which is great! Mummy's work helped a lot by raising £172... They love their cakes! Thank you BI Worldwide :)!

Anyway sweetheart, Mummy had better let you get some sleep. I love you so, so much and I miss you with every beat of my heart.

Love eternal

Mummy & Daddy

Friday, 14 November 2014

The day

Dearest Ophelia,

The pain never goes...

It started with such promise,
Yet it was denied.
All my dreams were shattered,
The day my daughter died.

You grew and grew inside me,
With it, excitement too.
We couldn't wait to meet you,
How we wish this wasn't true.

Nothing is the same now,
Not light, not love, not heart.
How cruel a thing to take you
When your life was yet to start.

Reality has settled,
a different path we lead.
The one we had expected
It drowned amongst the seed.

We love you, we miss you, always, forever!

If there is anyone that makes any choices please tell them that your Mummy and Daddy deserve a break! Mummy knows you would if you could...

Love eternal.

Mummy & Daddy

Saturday, 8 November 2014

4 months

Hello Squidgy,

So four months have passed since you left, the days have been slightly lighter recently but it is still so hard. Mummy doesn't understand why you had to go or why happiness doesn't like us!

Mummy and Daddy went to see your bench today, it is right next to you so we can read you stories. It is lovely and we are very grateful to BI Worldwide and you Granny and Gramp Angelinetta for giving us the money for it. We hope you like it poppet.

Mummy had another reflexology appointment on Thursday, Jeanette is lovely and really helps Mummy feel a bit more positive and relaxed. It is amazing what the feet can tell you about your body. She could tell I was feeling a little less weighed down just by playing with my feet! Incredible really. Jeanette told me some other stuff but I will leave that just for your Daddy and I at the moment. Mummy doesn't want to bore you!

After the appointment I made my way over to Royston for Nat and Tom's wedding. Mummy had to get changed there so thankfully I arrived in good time. The bride looked gorgeous, Mummy loved her hair and her dress. Tom is a lucky man! There were a lot of children and babies there though. It is so hard for us to see others cradling their babies when we cannot cradle you, we should be able to. Babies shouldn't die.

The ceremony and reception were lovely and the venue was beautiful. There was a tree covered in fairy lights right outside the reception area that all the children were playing under. Tom's Dad came outside and started to play with them too. It was picture perfect but sadly all Mummy could think about was your Grandad, my Dad. He will never get that chance to chase you around a tree and tickle your tummy, it makes Mummy so sad. He would have loved playing with you.

It isn't just the big things we miss, it is everything we won't get the chance to do, like feeding you for instance... Mummy wasn't feeling too well the other day so Daddy made me some tea and fed Marley. He turned round and said "Right, that is all my girls sorted!" It hit him like a truck, it was an awful truth. Daddy will never get to feed you, he will never get to sort you out a bottle or have you flick yogurt in his eye. That is heart breaking! It seems so simple, a chore probably but Mummy and Daddy would give up everything to have that. F**k I miss you! Sorry, Mummy swore! It is true though.

Sometimes it feels like my sole is so angry that it is trying to escape from my body. It feels like it has peeled away from my skin and is now an entirely separate part of me. It cant get out though, so it sits there angrily. Irritated that it chose this body, this life! Mummy's sole just wants us all to be together. What did we do wrong that meant that we weren't allowed to do that? People tell me I didn't do anything but there has to be a reason you died, it can't just be because of nothing! It makes no sense.

Mummy is thinking a lot about some of the ladies on the forum, some have lost so many babies. I know one lady that has lost 9. NINE! WHY? No-one deserves that pain, no-one! It shouldn't happen once, let alone several times! She is one of the strongest people I know, she keeps going, she keeps reaching for her dream and every part of me hopes it comes true for her. She deserves it so much. We all do!

Anyway sweetheart, Daddy and I are off out on our first date night since you were born tonight so I better go and get ready. It is strange but this is probably around the time we would be doing it if you were here... At least we have Marley and your pictures to come home too.

Love eternal.

Mummy and Daddy