Friday, 21 November 2014

Planting your tree

Hello Gorgeous,

How are you? Are you being looked after? I know you have lots of wonderful friends to keep you company but how Mummy wishes it were us that kept you warm at night.

Mummy and Daddy have just planted your tree for you, it is a crab apple and hopefully it will have pink flowers when it blooms. Pink for a baby girl. It is the last thing we will ever physically do for you, how sad is that?! We put a tree in the ground on top of your grave, what happened to tickling your tummy and stroking your cheeks?! Mummy and Daddy imagined a future with you, we imagined what it would be like to take you on walks, to see your first steps, to hear you laugh, to watch you grow and become a woman. Mummy wishes she had spent more time imagining what the small things would be like before you died because now I realise how utterly important it all is.

There is a thought that keeps creeping into Mummy's head, what if we are never going to watch our child grow up?! What if we never get another chance?! Mummy tries to push it away, remembering that you were almost here and you were perfect but it is hard. A few days before you were born Mummy had the most upsetting thought, "What is she is stillborn or dies just after she is born?" Mummy shook it off thinking it was just to awful and that you were fine... Maybe I just knew something deep down. There are a few things that scream at me now, 'You knew!' Whenever I was asked how you were my response was almost always, "She is fine, I think!" Even though I could feel you, I couldn't see you, no-one can but even in my daydreams about the future I couldn't. Mummy and Daddy decided not to post anything about the pregnancy on social media, we wanted it to be old school... Mummy's baby shower was the week before you died and a couple of things were posted by mistake. Mummy asked people to de-tag me because I wanted to "wait until you were here safe and sound"... those words will haunt me forever! I had a conversation in the two weeks leading up to your birth, "I just feel like she is never going to get here!" Sadly I was right! It is these random moments that make it harder to believe it might happen for us, if I don't feel like it will, even if it is only for a few moments, maybe it just won't! Maybe I just have a 'gift'! Mummy is trying though, remembering that for every horrible thought, I had a million lovely ones. Our thoughts do not control the outcome! Jeanette helps Mummy to think a lot more clearly, thanks to her Mummy has learnt to be less hard on herself too... Recent events are not her fault!

Daddy and I went to see 'The Woman in Black' with your Grandma and Grandad A the other day, it was really good. I think Daddy was a bit scared in places but that was probably due to the high pitched wails of a bunch of school kids in the dress circle... They were so loud! They added to the atmosphere though. We also had a fun day on Sunday going to the driving range and for a roast with J9, Chattington, Chlo and Nic. The boys, of course were good but Mummy was quite surprised at her skills, it probably had something to do with a heck load of pent up frustration... We still need to buy that punch bag! J9 bought Mummy a lovely gift from Hong Kong, a Mulberry bag... Lucky Mummy eh?! We are hopefully seeing them all again this weekend to go and watch 'The Hunger Games' together.

Mummy spent most of the day on Saturday with the lovely Jess, or JCB as Mummy likes to call her (affectionately). We went for some lunch, we had a nice chat mostly about you, we chatted so much we were actually asked to leave, Mummy hadn't even finished her drink! Jess came to see you with Mummy, she likes your little house. Mummy is so glad we are back in touch properly, she is an amazing lady!

So you must have seen Mummy last Friday when she dressed up as Robin... I did it for SANDS and I raised £60 but in total we raised around £500 which is great! Mummy's work helped a lot by raising £172... They love their cakes! Thank you BI Worldwide :)!

Anyway sweetheart, Mummy had better let you get some sleep. I love you so, so much and I miss you with every beat of my heart.

Love eternal

Mummy & Daddy

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