Sunday, 30 November 2014

I quit

Hello gorgeous girl,

You have no idea how much we miss you! It hurts so much!

Mummy thought about Christmas today, that we will be coming to your grave to see you and your only gift will be flowers and maybe a card! How on earth did this happen? Why did it happen? Mummy knows she says it all the time but it is how I feel all the time! Mummy cannot take anymore, I give up, I quit!

Mummy feels like her favourite word is hopefully, hopefully it will be our turn this month, hopefully things will get easier soon, hopefully next year will be better. Sadly, Mummy keeps saying it but nothing is changing! How much more pain do we have to go through, how much more suffering? Mummy feels like she is being greedy but all I want is to be a Mummy, a Mummy that other people acknowledge as a Mummy! I am your Mummy and I am so, so proud of that but I want to be an earth Mummy too! Most women want that, most women get it but every person that wants a baby should be able to have one! Sadly though, Mummy knows so many Mummies and Daddies who are exactly where we are... In hell! We don't want lots of money (although if Mummy and Daddy had money we would give loads to SANDS and find the best fertility doctor in the world), we don't want big houses, flash cars or material things. We just want our children! Is that wrong? Is it wrong of us to want to be happy? Do we deserve this awful fate? Of course we don't but we all deserve a break!

Anyway, Mummy is sorry, those happier letters still live firmly on the horizon. Mummy has started a couple of projects to bring a bit of happiness back in to her life, I hope you saw them and like them so far. Mummy made a pillow for you yesterday, all hand-stitched, Daddy was pretty proud of me! We are going out today to buy some baubles for the SANDS Christmas memorial tree, we are going to decorate them ourselves with your name and birthday, we hope we don't mess them up!

Mummy and Daddy went to another SANDS meeting the other day, we saw Jane, she is going to arrange some extra tests for Mummy to see what is going on. Jane has also arranged some counselling which starts next Friday, Mummy needs to talk to someone about how she feels, someone that is able to help her cope. Mummy really hopes it helps because I cannot go on the way I am anymore. The meeting was "good", they played the video which Mummy and Daddy contributed to. It was heartbreaking to see name after name, baby after baby, family after broken family flash up on the screen and those were just a snippet of families who have suffered the loss of their baby. Mummy and Daddy were very proud to see your bottom and your name up there though and pleased that we could do something to help, even if it is only very small.

So Daddy has booked another challenge, he will be flying a microlight in January so for a little while he will be closer to you in the sky. He is very scared but Mummy is very proud of him! Mummy needs to arrange something soon too, it is not that I do not want to do the challenges, it is just that one challenge is more important! Mummy will do some more I promise you!

Anyway sweetheart, is is gone 12pm and Mummy is still in bed... I should really get up! Mummy and Daddy love you so very much and wish every second of every single day that things turned out differently. We truly do!

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy

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