Monday, 30 March 2015

What it is like to live inside my head

Hello Squidgy,

Mummy would do anything to have you back here, we miss you so very much.

Mummy is trying to retrain her brain, to banish all the negative thoughts about pregnancy and having a baby. I have been doing ok, somedays really well but it is exhausting, it is like listening to a song on endless repeat. Mummy looks forward to sleep because then I am safe, I don't think about trying to get pregnant, as soon as I am awake, the same, the same, the same!

When will we fall pregnant?
Am I pregnant now?
What will happen if I am pregnant, how will I relax?
Why is it so easy for others?
I don't deserve a baby.
I don't deserve happiness.
No! I do deserve a baby.
I do deserve happiness.
Am I pregnant now?
Oh, a cramp, like a period pain but I am not due yet, I only ovulated yesterday.
Oh, I am tired, I need a nap.... Good sign, good sign.
Where have the cramps gone?
I'm not pregnant.
I am pregnant.
I feel sick... I did just drink a cup of tea with almond milk... it could be a sign though.
Nah, it's not happened, we haven't had enough pain yet, we still need to be punished more.
Punished for what? You don't deserve this pain. Your daughter SHOULD be alive.
I wonder what so and so is doing with their newborn?
Will that ever be me?
Pregnancy, baby, pregnancy, baby, pregnancy, baby.
The door is locked for us.
No, it's not.
I AM pregnant!
Aren't I?

Mummy knows everyone deserves a baby but why do we have to work so hard? Mummy has tried so many things:

Chinese Herbs
Self help books
Pineapple, Brazil nuts, only hot food and lots of orange food after ovulation.
No refined carbs, spinach, eggs (not runny), only small amounts of dairy, cut right down on sweet things
Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, a million times, sex.

What is the norm? Sex.

Mummy doesn't begrudge doing these things, your little brother or sister is unbelievably worth it but is it wrong for me to just want it to be a little easier? Is it wrong for Mummy to want what other people have? Mummy has all this love to give but no living baby to pour it into, Mummy just wants to look after a baby, love him or her and be the best I can be.

The record must be coming to an end. It is coming to an end, I am going to fall pregnant, this is my month! It certainly fucking should be.

I'm sorry this letter isn't about you, Mummy loves and misses you so, so much. Everyday I wake up to a silent house, that wasn't the plan!

I have opened your door though now, I talk to your future sibling and tell them that it will be their room soon. We will change a few things and keep certain things just for you, we will never forget you.

Daddy says hello and he loves you so very much.

Love eternal.

Mummy and Daddy

Wednesday, 18 March 2015

Mid cycle meltdown

Hello poppet,

Mummy has her scan on Friday to find out if there are any issues inside me. I am so scared, the last time I had a scan my heart broke into a million pieces! Mummy's emotions are all over the place, why does it always happen mid cycle? It makes Mummy think she is out for another month and ultimately another year! Even years don't like Mummy... 2012, 2014... I want a baby in 2015 because what will 2016 bring us? Our last month for that to happen. Ahh what am I saying? It wasn't as if 2013 was that kind and so far 2015 hasn't been either! I guess it doesn't matter.

Trying to do my positive sayings in my head, also meditating and trying hypnosis. I WILL get pregnant very soon, I WILL have a healthy pregnancy, I WILL embrace it and I WILL leave the hospital with a happy, healthy baby, maybe two, or three... Your little siblings who will learn all about their amazing big sister, they will be so proud of you! Mummy and Daddy have picked their names I think. Mummy has been too scared to say them out loud, too scared to dream that it could happen. It CAN happen though, it has done twice before and this time it WILL work out exactly as it should because I AM super fertile, so is Daddy and my body is the perfect place to nurture a growing life. So your siblings will be called Arlo and/or Willow, both of which have your initials in them... LO! Mummy is trying so very, very hard to keep these positive thoughts up because we love you and your siblings so much and we just want to meet our next child now. Future baby, Mummy and Daddy love you so much, just like we do you gorgeous older sister!

Mummy hopes you knew how loved you were when you were inside me and that any fears I might have had or any negative thoughts didn't make you think any differently. We loved you then, we love you now, we love you forever!

Love you baby girl, Mummy and Daddy miss you so much!

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy


Monday, 16 March 2015

36 Weeks

Hello Squidgy,

It has been 36 weeks since you were born, Mummy left work at 36 weeks... How could it be that I left work nine months ago to have you but yet I am here without you?

16 weeks until your first birthday, I wonder what would you be doing now?

Mummy watches films, TV programmes and the news (so, so awful on the news...) and if a child dies, any age 0-however old and I see the parents grieving I think to myself "I just can't imagine how they are feeling..." but I can, I do know how they feel! Mummy's brain is in protection mode a fair bit because to let the reality in all the time would kill me, I truly believe that. Then moments like that happen and I feel sick because somehow or another for that moment I didn't know how they felt, like somewhere along line your memory had been scrubbed from my mind. I hate that I know how it feels but I also hate that I feel so disconnected from my grief at times. It is one of my biggest links to you. Mummy finds it strange but sometimes I miss the unrelenting, earth shattering, desperate pain of the first few months of grief, I was so, so close to you then! Mummy knows it isn't healthy to be that way and I am thankful that the bad days are getting less and less but ultimately I will always miss you. I will always want to re-live your moments, even if that means delving into a sea of pain all over again because you are just so precious!

Why is the world so cruel?

I miss you sweetheart, the world is darker without you. Thank you for being the light of my life.

I will love you from now until the end of time.

Sweet dreams and thank you for my Mother's Day card, it is beautiful and it brought me a lot of happiness.

Love eternal,

Mummy and Daddy


Sunday, 1 March 2015

Please end...

Hello Squidgy,

Mummy misses you so very badly! We had a hard week this week, a hard month in fact! Your great grandma passed away on 9 Feb after being rushed into hospital, your Mummy will miss her so please say hello to her from us. I hope you are having fun together sweetheart. We had an appointment with a consultant on Wednesday, he was horrible and to be honest we would have gotten more sympathy from a traffic warden! Mummy just wonders how much more life has to throw at us, when will we have had enough?!

People tell me you will send us a rainbow, I don't like it because I then wonder why haven't you sent one already?! Mummy knows you would send one if you could but sadly it doesn't work like that does it? Just like life doesn't work based on scales of good and bad, you can be an utter shit and still get all your heart desires! Mummy is just feeling low today and the all too usual feeling of disappointment is creeping in... Another month, another cycle, another hammer to my heart. When will this end???? Please end, please end, PLEASE END!!!

Why do bad things keep happening to us? Why can't we catch a break? Why, why, why???? Mummy. Needs. Hope! Imagine it, a sibling maybe even two... Twins even! The thought just makes Mummy's heart want to burst out of her body, it would just be the most amazing thing ever, a bright shinning light in all this darkness. Your siblings would have the best life we could ever offer them and man o man they would have the most incredible big sister! Please tell me we deserve that, please tell me one day our dream will come true?!

Sorry sweetheart, I seem to only write when I feel in depths of despair! Mummy does smile, I promise you that. Daddy does too! Mummy had a nice day yesterday, I saw Jess for lunch which was lovely, Mummy even sat and faced a couple with a newborn without flinching, Mummy is getting stronger! Then your Daddy and I went to see "Ex-Machina" and then went to ASK for some food, it was really nice but coming home to an empty house is difficult.

Mummy also saw your fauntie Tilly and little cousins Finn and Sofia on Tuesday. Finn is turning into a right cheeky monkey, he makes Mummy laugh! Sofia is getting bigger and she is sitting up  and smiling and laughing now. Mummy held her for ages and it didn't make me sad, I guess it is because I know she isn't you! Mummy just wishes you were there too... You would be so big now, almost 8 months old!

It's your Daddy's birthday next week, I think it will be tough but Mummy will try to make him smile! The following week is Mother's Day, my first! I wonder if anyone will remember I am still a Mummy? It's just another day to dread! Whilst it is a nice thought for all those "normal" Mummies out there it is like losing on a game show for us... "Look what you could have won!" Maybe one day it won't be so sad for me?! I don't know, so much can go wrong!

Mummy spoke to your Auntie Hedge the other day, she was drunk... She's a funny! We had a nice chat though, Mummy loves her very, very much!

Right gorgeous girl, I am going to have a nice soak in the bath, maybe that will make me feel a little lighter?!

We love you!

We miss you!

I kiss your picture three times before I go to sleep, one for me, one for Daddy and one for Marley. Then I whisper " Love you, miss you, wish you were here!" That will always be true! I just cannot believe you are gone!

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy