Monday, 30 March 2015

What it is like to live inside my head

Hello Squidgy,

Mummy would do anything to have you back here, we miss you so very much.

Mummy is trying to retrain her brain, to banish all the negative thoughts about pregnancy and having a baby. I have been doing ok, somedays really well but it is exhausting, it is like listening to a song on endless repeat. Mummy looks forward to sleep because then I am safe, I don't think about trying to get pregnant, as soon as I am awake, the same, the same, the same!

When will we fall pregnant?
Am I pregnant now?
What will happen if I am pregnant, how will I relax?
Why is it so easy for others?
I don't deserve a baby.
I don't deserve happiness.
No! I do deserve a baby.
I do deserve happiness.
Am I pregnant now?
Oh, a cramp, like a period pain but I am not due yet, I only ovulated yesterday.
Oh, I am tired, I need a nap.... Good sign, good sign.
Where have the cramps gone?
I'm not pregnant.
I am pregnant.
I feel sick... I did just drink a cup of tea with almond milk... it could be a sign though.
Nah, it's not happened, we haven't had enough pain yet, we still need to be punished more.
Punished for what? You don't deserve this pain. Your daughter SHOULD be alive.
I wonder what so and so is doing with their newborn?
Will that ever be me?
Pregnancy, baby, pregnancy, baby, pregnancy, baby.
The door is locked for us.
No, it's not.
I AM pregnant!
Aren't I?

Mummy knows everyone deserves a baby but why do we have to work so hard? Mummy has tried so many things:

Chinese Herbs
Self help books
Pineapple, Brazil nuts, only hot food and lots of orange food after ovulation.
No refined carbs, spinach, eggs (not runny), only small amounts of dairy, cut right down on sweet things
Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, a million times, sex.

What is the norm? Sex.

Mummy doesn't begrudge doing these things, your little brother or sister is unbelievably worth it but is it wrong for me to just want it to be a little easier? Is it wrong for Mummy to want what other people have? Mummy has all this love to give but no living baby to pour it into, Mummy just wants to look after a baby, love him or her and be the best I can be.

The record must be coming to an end. It is coming to an end, I am going to fall pregnant, this is my month! It certainly fucking should be.

I'm sorry this letter isn't about you, Mummy loves and misses you so, so much. Everyday I wake up to a silent house, that wasn't the plan!

I have opened your door though now, I talk to your future sibling and tell them that it will be their room soon. We will change a few things and keep certain things just for you, we will never forget you.

Daddy says hello and he loves you so very much.

Love eternal.

Mummy and Daddy

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