To my dearest Ophelia,
We are heading into a new year now sweetheart, a year your body will not see. It is bittersweet. Your Daddy and I long for some new hope and we pray that 2015 brings us some of the happiness we deserve but saying goodbye to the last year that you were physically here is hard!
The first half of 2014 was the happiest of our lives, especially when your Daddy could feel your kicks. Daddy was super talented and pulled up all the carpet in the house, painted the floorboards upstairs and installed wood panel flooring downstairs. He also refreshed the paintwork in all the bedrooms and put together your nursery furniture. We were ultra prepared, we had everything ready with a few weeks to spare, all we had to do was wait. In the meantime, Mummy's tummy grew and grew as you got bigger and your movements got stronger, you really did love kicking your Mummy. I. Miss. That.
Since that fateful day your Daddy and I have tried to piece ourselves back together and I can honestly say that only a handful of days have passed were I haven't felt tears run down my face. We are stronger than we were and we are trying to be positive and capture life with both hands but we still have a long, long way to go. Mummy doesn't know what lies ahead, I am both scared and excited for the future but I will forever have a sadness in my heart. So much has changed since you had to go, some many negatives but positives too. Mummy listens more, taking care to consider other people's thoughts and feelings. I try to be more charitable too and Mummy has a plan for the future to help other families like us, nothing massive but something to add to the memory bank. We have a different friendship group, a stronger one, one full of amazing people who have helped us to get through the darkness. I will not miss the ones who didn't. We have also found friendship in so many unbelievable people, many of whom have offered support without having even met us. Most noticeably though is the strength your Mummy and Daddy have found and how much closer we are, I truly doubt there is anything that could break us apart now.
Mummy wishes you could have stayed with us, we miss you so very much but sadly no one has invented a time machine just yet so we have to carry on without you. We hope we have made you proud and continue to do so with every step we take. We hope you are happy wherever you are and that you are being well looked after, we know you have lots of amazing friends and family to keep you safe and warm. Mummy's heart broke the day we said goodbye and although it is beginning to heal it will never be fixed until we meet again.
We love you and we will write to you in the new year.
Happy New Year Ophelia, our sweet, sweet girl.
Love eternal.
Mummy and Daddy
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Wednesday 31 December 2014
Wednesday 24 December 2014
Christmas Eve
Hello Poppet,
It is Christmas Eve! Two more sleeps until it is over, YEY!!!
Mummy cried herself to sleep last night, it is hard to feel so hopeless, so exhausted, so unsure if happiness is ever coming back to this house. Every day I wake up and reality hits me once more, it is like you die all over again every single day.
Mummy feels so stupid at times, for expecting you to get here, we were so naive! Three years ago Mummy just thought "we will get pregnant and have a couple of children... Easy!" Nope! Desperately hard! It is a miracle, to give birth to a living child and for that child to survive. A complete miracle! So many don't see that though. Some vile people kill their children...
Mummy knows now that everything is random, there is no-one looking over us, their is no scale or law of averages. There is just us, what happens, happens. Sometimes life just shits on people continuously whilst others have all their wishes granted. If there were a balance everyone would be equal, but war, homelessness, infertility, abuse, violence all exist. Mummy is grateful, I do have lots of things others don't but I also don't have lots of thing others do. Mummy is just scared that one of those things will be a living, breathing child. Mummy is scared that the only chance we will ever have was you and Mummy couldn't get you here alive. I am so, so sorry I couldn't!
Wanting a baby doesn't go away, it is in your every waking thought, it is your reason to live, it is the reason you breathe. Do you know how long every hour feels when hope is all you have?! Every month that passes is like a year and every month without you is an eternity. Loosing a child is a life sentence, Mummy and Daddy will never get over loosing you. It is terrifying. Of course Mummy and Daddy would never want to forget you but knowing grief is with you forever is crippling. Yes, Mummy knows in time it will get easier but having you "in my heart" isn't enough, it never will be! Today marks 24 weeks since we last saw you, 24 weeks since we said goodbye and left you in the hospital. In 16 weeks and 1 day's time we will without you longer than we were with you. We had you for 280.5 days and they were the best days of our lives!
Mummy and Daddy are dreading tomorrow but we have some little gifts for you which we will leave at your graveside, Mummy hopes they don't get taken again. We just want you to have them for a little while.
We miss you so, so much. We just wanted to be earth parents to you.
Love eternal.
Mummy & Daddy
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Especially from Daddy - xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
It is Christmas Eve! Two more sleeps until it is over, YEY!!!
Mummy cried herself to sleep last night, it is hard to feel so hopeless, so exhausted, so unsure if happiness is ever coming back to this house. Every day I wake up and reality hits me once more, it is like you die all over again every single day.
Mummy feels so stupid at times, for expecting you to get here, we were so naive! Three years ago Mummy just thought "we will get pregnant and have a couple of children... Easy!" Nope! Desperately hard! It is a miracle, to give birth to a living child and for that child to survive. A complete miracle! So many don't see that though. Some vile people kill their children...
Mummy knows now that everything is random, there is no-one looking over us, their is no scale or law of averages. There is just us, what happens, happens. Sometimes life just shits on people continuously whilst others have all their wishes granted. If there were a balance everyone would be equal, but war, homelessness, infertility, abuse, violence all exist. Mummy is grateful, I do have lots of things others don't but I also don't have lots of thing others do. Mummy is just scared that one of those things will be a living, breathing child. Mummy is scared that the only chance we will ever have was you and Mummy couldn't get you here alive. I am so, so sorry I couldn't!
Wanting a baby doesn't go away, it is in your every waking thought, it is your reason to live, it is the reason you breathe. Do you know how long every hour feels when hope is all you have?! Every month that passes is like a year and every month without you is an eternity. Loosing a child is a life sentence, Mummy and Daddy will never get over loosing you. It is terrifying. Of course Mummy and Daddy would never want to forget you but knowing grief is with you forever is crippling. Yes, Mummy knows in time it will get easier but having you "in my heart" isn't enough, it never will be! Today marks 24 weeks since we last saw you, 24 weeks since we said goodbye and left you in the hospital. In 16 weeks and 1 day's time we will without you longer than we were with you. We had you for 280.5 days and they were the best days of our lives!
Mummy and Daddy are dreading tomorrow but we have some little gifts for you which we will leave at your graveside, Mummy hopes they don't get taken again. We just want you to have them for a little while.
We miss you so, so much. We just wanted to be earth parents to you.
Love eternal.
Mummy & Daddy
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Especially from Daddy - xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Thursday 18 December 2014
Stress isn't the problem...
Hello my beautiful, beautiful girl,
How are you? Mummy knows I have asked before but are you getting bigger up there in the clouds? It is hard because half of me wants you to but the other half doesn't so that when we are together again you will be the same!
In less than two weeks it will be the anniversary of your 12 week scan. Mummy remembers the waiting room so well, I was terrified we wouldn't see your little heart beating. We did, we were so, so happy. We told all our close friends but decided we wanted to keep the news relatively private, I guess a part of Mummy wanted to surprise some people when you arrived. Little did we know a short 27 weeks later your heart would stop and for no reason. In 19 days time you would have been six months old... We have no clothes to fit a 6-9 month old.
Mummy and Daddy went to the counsellor this morning, Jan is lovely and she asked to see a picture of you. Mummy cried. Mummy and Daddy were expecting to be asked that question all the time, the reality is we aren't. Either people are scared of upsetting us or they don't want to see you, whilst I understand both, it hurts. Mummy and Daddy are so very proud of you and LOVE talking about you and showing you off so please...
Anyone who is reading this that is scared to talk about Ophelia or scared to ask to see a picture, don't be. It hurts all the time, you could not possibly hurt us anymore than we already are, in fact you would be making our day! We are like every other parent except talking about our child is all we have, to allow us to do that is amazing! Thank you!
Mummy, Daddy and Jan chatted about lots of things, pain, frustration, anger, Mummy cannot tell you how freeing it is! We also talked about stress and it's effects on the body. We are told a lot that stress probably has a lot to do with it but how do we switch that off? Jan laughed a little and said "People get pregnant and have babies all the time, what they are thinking or feeling has nothing much to do with it." It started Mummy thinking, we know a fair few other parents like us, a lot have gone on to have or are expecting their rainbows, they didn't find a way to switch their grief off... they just had sex and fell pregnant (most, some needed help. Mummy is so glad there is help!)! This, I think has helped Mummy and Daddy a lot. If women in war-torn countries can have babies, stress has little to do with it! Jan also urged us to get an appointment booked so it is there, Daddy is going to ask today sweetie.
So it's Christmas next week, the Christmas wishes have started coming through the door. It is lovely that people are thinking of us but Mummy and Daddy would love a new type of Christmas card... "What a shit year! Christmas will be hard, like every day but you are in our thoughts and our hope is that next year your dreams will come true!" As a society we have no real idea of how to deal with people who are grieving, it is odd! If this had happened to someone else, Mummy would have been shit, I probably already have been! Life and death are the only two certainties and yet we freeze up when it comes to death, not having a clue what to say or what to do. Mummy's advise would be, if it comes from a good place, say it. Even if you think it might bring up memories, they are on the surface anyway! Also, don't be afraid to say something matter of fact or jovial either. One of the best things someone has said to Mummy came from an old friend, Andy (he actually helped get Mummy & Daddy together... Mummy hasn't forgotten!). He emailed me a few days after you died, he said he was sorry etc and told me you were beautiful. He then went on to say you must have gotten your looks from Daddy because you were far too pretty to be mine! Mummy knew he was joking (hopefully...) and it was lovely because he would have said that if you were alive too! That one comment, that one tiny piece of normality will stay with me forever! That and when Funkle Ben told a butterfly off and called it by your name... those tiny things that some people might think would upset me actually fix Mummy's heart a tiny bit.
Anyway sweetie, we love you, so, so much. The next week or so will be really hard for Mummy and Daddy but we know you are there watching over us.
I sit and look at photos
A wedding that I know
But sadly, it's the people
It them I just don't know
We were so naive then,
We hardly had a care.
Sometimes I want to start again,
To be that person, there!
I know it is impossible,
The truth is just so raw.
I couldn't take it back now,
My love for you is more.
Nothing last forever,
I know that to be lies.
This pain will be forever,
And my love will never die.
Love eternal,
Mummy and Daddy
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
How are you? Mummy knows I have asked before but are you getting bigger up there in the clouds? It is hard because half of me wants you to but the other half doesn't so that when we are together again you will be the same!
In less than two weeks it will be the anniversary of your 12 week scan. Mummy remembers the waiting room so well, I was terrified we wouldn't see your little heart beating. We did, we were so, so happy. We told all our close friends but decided we wanted to keep the news relatively private, I guess a part of Mummy wanted to surprise some people when you arrived. Little did we know a short 27 weeks later your heart would stop and for no reason. In 19 days time you would have been six months old... We have no clothes to fit a 6-9 month old.
Mummy and Daddy went to the counsellor this morning, Jan is lovely and she asked to see a picture of you. Mummy cried. Mummy and Daddy were expecting to be asked that question all the time, the reality is we aren't. Either people are scared of upsetting us or they don't want to see you, whilst I understand both, it hurts. Mummy and Daddy are so very proud of you and LOVE talking about you and showing you off so please...
Anyone who is reading this that is scared to talk about Ophelia or scared to ask to see a picture, don't be. It hurts all the time, you could not possibly hurt us anymore than we already are, in fact you would be making our day! We are like every other parent except talking about our child is all we have, to allow us to do that is amazing! Thank you!
Mummy, Daddy and Jan chatted about lots of things, pain, frustration, anger, Mummy cannot tell you how freeing it is! We also talked about stress and it's effects on the body. We are told a lot that stress probably has a lot to do with it but how do we switch that off? Jan laughed a little and said "People get pregnant and have babies all the time, what they are thinking or feeling has nothing much to do with it." It started Mummy thinking, we know a fair few other parents like us, a lot have gone on to have or are expecting their rainbows, they didn't find a way to switch their grief off... they just had sex and fell pregnant (most, some needed help. Mummy is so glad there is help!)! This, I think has helped Mummy and Daddy a lot. If women in war-torn countries can have babies, stress has little to do with it! Jan also urged us to get an appointment booked so it is there, Daddy is going to ask today sweetie.
So it's Christmas next week, the Christmas wishes have started coming through the door. It is lovely that people are thinking of us but Mummy and Daddy would love a new type of Christmas card... "What a shit year! Christmas will be hard, like every day but you are in our thoughts and our hope is that next year your dreams will come true!" As a society we have no real idea of how to deal with people who are grieving, it is odd! If this had happened to someone else, Mummy would have been shit, I probably already have been! Life and death are the only two certainties and yet we freeze up when it comes to death, not having a clue what to say or what to do. Mummy's advise would be, if it comes from a good place, say it. Even if you think it might bring up memories, they are on the surface anyway! Also, don't be afraid to say something matter of fact or jovial either. One of the best things someone has said to Mummy came from an old friend, Andy (he actually helped get Mummy & Daddy together... Mummy hasn't forgotten!). He emailed me a few days after you died, he said he was sorry etc and told me you were beautiful. He then went on to say you must have gotten your looks from Daddy because you were far too pretty to be mine! Mummy knew he was joking (hopefully...) and it was lovely because he would have said that if you were alive too! That one comment, that one tiny piece of normality will stay with me forever! That and when Funkle Ben told a butterfly off and called it by your name... those tiny things that some people might think would upset me actually fix Mummy's heart a tiny bit.
Anyway sweetie, we love you, so, so much. The next week or so will be really hard for Mummy and Daddy but we know you are there watching over us.
I sit and look at photos
A wedding that I know
But sadly, it's the people
It them I just don't know
We were so naive then,
We hardly had a care.
Sometimes I want to start again,
To be that person, there!
I know it is impossible,
The truth is just so raw.
I couldn't take it back now,
My love for you is more.
Nothing last forever,
I know that to be lies.
This pain will be forever,
And my love will never die.
Love eternal,
Mummy and Daddy
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Saturday 6 December 2014
If I could hold a moment
Hello Squigy,
How are you today sweetheart? I hope it is warm up there in the clouds, it is very cold here! Mummy is sure you and your friends are all snuggled up.
Mummy is exhausted but I wrote you a little poem and wanted to read it to you before bed.
If I could hold a moment - Sarah Hancon
If I could hold a moment,
That moment would be you.
If we could be together,
My dreams, they would come true.
Such a perfect little darling,
I ache that we're apart
You're a treasure that's so precious,
that I keep you in my heart.
I wish upon a star at night,
To bring a baby home.
I know you're watching over us,
And that we're not alone.
One day you'll have a sibling,
A little pink or blue.
A baby sent from heaven
Picked for us by you!
Mummy is starting to believe it could happen for us, after all it would be an utter tragedy if it didn't because we are amazing parents! We are so honoured to be your Mummy & Daddy!
We love you and miss you so, so much.
Love eternal,
Mummy & Daddy
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
How are you today sweetheart? I hope it is warm up there in the clouds, it is very cold here! Mummy is sure you and your friends are all snuggled up.
Mummy is exhausted but I wrote you a little poem and wanted to read it to you before bed.
If I could hold a moment - Sarah Hancon
If I could hold a moment,
That moment would be you.
If we could be together,
My dreams, they would come true.
Such a perfect little darling,
I ache that we're apart
You're a treasure that's so precious,
that I keep you in my heart.
I wish upon a star at night,
To bring a baby home.
I know you're watching over us,
And that we're not alone.
One day you'll have a sibling,
A little pink or blue.
A baby sent from heaven
Picked for us by you!
Mummy is starting to believe it could happen for us, after all it would be an utter tragedy if it didn't because we are amazing parents! We are so honoured to be your Mummy & Daddy!
We love you and miss you so, so much.
Love eternal,
Mummy & Daddy
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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