Hello my beautiful, beautiful girl,
How are you? Mummy knows I have asked before but are you getting bigger up there in the clouds? It is hard because half of me wants you to but the other half doesn't so that when we are together again you will be the same!
In less than two weeks it will be the anniversary of your 12 week scan. Mummy remembers the waiting room so well, I was terrified we wouldn't see your little heart beating. We did, we were so, so happy. We told all our close friends but decided we wanted to keep the news relatively private, I guess a part of Mummy wanted to surprise some people when you arrived. Little did we know a short 27 weeks later your heart would stop and for no reason. In 19 days time you would have been six months old... We have no clothes to fit a 6-9 month old.
Mummy and Daddy went to the counsellor this morning, Jan is lovely and she asked to see a picture of you. Mummy cried. Mummy and Daddy were expecting to be asked that question all the time, the reality is we aren't. Either people are scared of upsetting us or they don't want to see you, whilst I understand both, it hurts. Mummy and Daddy are so very proud of you and LOVE talking about you and showing you off so please...
Anyone who is reading this that is scared to talk about Ophelia or scared to ask to see a picture, don't be. It hurts all the time, you could not possibly hurt us anymore than we already are, in fact you would be making our day! We are like every other parent except talking about our child is all we have, to allow us to do that is amazing! Thank you!
Mummy, Daddy and Jan chatted about lots of things, pain, frustration, anger, Mummy cannot tell you how freeing it is! We also talked about stress and it's effects on the body. We are told a lot that stress probably has a lot to do with it but how do we switch that off? Jan laughed a little and said "People get pregnant and have babies all the time, what they are thinking or feeling has nothing much to do with it." It started Mummy thinking, we know a fair few other parents like us, a lot have gone on to have or are expecting their rainbows, they didn't find a way to switch their grief off... they just had sex and fell pregnant (most, some needed help. Mummy is so glad there is help!)! This, I think has helped Mummy and Daddy a lot. If women in war-torn countries can have babies, stress has little to do with it! Jan also urged us to get an appointment booked so it is there, Daddy is going to ask today sweetie.
So it's Christmas next week, the Christmas wishes have started coming through the door. It is lovely that people are thinking of us but Mummy and Daddy would love a new type of Christmas card... "What a shit year! Christmas will be hard, like every day but you are in our thoughts and our hope is that next year your dreams will come true!" As a society we have no real idea of how to deal with people who are grieving, it is odd! If this had happened to someone else, Mummy would have been shit, I probably already have been! Life and death are the only two certainties and yet we freeze up when it comes to death, not having a clue what to say or what to do. Mummy's advise would be, if it comes from a good place, say it. Even if you think it might bring up memories, they are on the surface anyway! Also, don't be afraid to say something matter of fact or jovial either. One of the best things someone has said to Mummy came from an old friend, Andy (he actually helped get Mummy & Daddy together... Mummy hasn't forgotten!). He emailed me a few days after you died, he said he was sorry etc and told me you were beautiful. He then went on to say you must have gotten your looks from Daddy because you were far too pretty to be mine! Mummy knew he was joking (hopefully...) and it was lovely because he would have said that if you were alive too! That one comment, that one tiny piece of normality will stay with me forever! That and when Funkle Ben told a butterfly off and called it by your name... those tiny things that some people might think would upset me actually fix Mummy's heart a tiny bit.
Anyway sweetie, we love you, so, so much. The next week or so will be really hard for Mummy and Daddy but we know you are there watching over us.
I sit and look at photos
A wedding that I know
But sadly, it's the people
It them I just don't know
We were so naive then,
We hardly had a care.
Sometimes I want to start again,
To be that person, there!
I know it is impossible,
The truth is just so raw.
I couldn't take it back now,
My love for you is more.
Nothing last forever,
I know that to be lies.
This pain will be forever,
And my love will never die.
Mummy and Daddy