Friday, 8 August 2014

Never-ending Story

Hello Gorgeous,

So Mummy has had a busy week, all my lovely friends and family have been keeping company whilst Daddy has been at work. It has been a good week considering.

On Monday Mummy met up with your Auntie Heather and your Fauntie Tilly and your little friend Finn, we went for something to eat in Towcester. Mummy wasn't sure how I would feel about seeing Finn, he turned one a week after we found out you had died and being around babies can be hard but I was really surprised how well I did, it barely fazed me at all. Finn was on very good form though, he kept us laughing all the way through lunch, he has the best expressions I have ever seen! He also gets very offended if you drink Chai Tea in front of him... he looked at me after I had put my drink down, pointed at the glass, grunted and turned away. It was very funny.

I am pleased I saw Tilly and Finn, it helped to see how strong I could be, I just hope I can continue to be as strong when her little girl arrives in October. You two would have been thick as thieves, getting into loads of mischief. Mummy and Tilly have been friends since we were little it seemed only right our children should be. I will really miss that future I imagined for you. I miss everything I imagined for you, it is so unjust that you didn't get to have one.

Tuesday was a bit of a hard day, Auntie Heather was moving to the US on Wednesday so I had to say goodbye to someone I love again. It was a bit too soon after loosing you but she is going out there to eat cheese, watch Packers games and play bar dice, we couldn't deny her that could we?! Oh, and she is doing her Masters...

We spent most of the day together and even came to see you, do you remember? We read you a story about Tigger and Roo and Heather was doing all the actions, I hope you liked it, I'm sure you were laughing at your silly Auntie Hedgeface! Mummy picked up your plaque too, it is really nice, Daddy wanted to put it in your "bed" so we popped in the back of the car and made our way home. I hate leaving you! Sometimes I just want to push away all the "covers" and bring you home but I know I can't do that. It wouldn't help anyway, you aren't here anymore and the hole that is left in our lives will never be filled!

We went out for dinner with your Nan and Grandad Angelinetta later to wish Heather farewell, it was a nice evening but sad to say goodbye. Miss you Hedge, FaceTime yeah?!!

On Wednesday Mummy went for a run and did a bit of shopping for our holiday at the end of the month. After I had got back to the car I burst into tears, it really shouldn't be so easy for me to try clothes on, it isn't for other Mums. Unfortunately though, I am very different from other Mummies, I am a silent, secret Mummy.

Mummy's day did get better though, I went out for dinner with Jess and Rach who I haven't seen in a while and it was just like old times, laughing at how rubbish our old boss was and chatting about nights out, it was good to catch up. They think your very pretty by the way, but what's new there?! ;-)

Then came yesterday... the day we would find out your Post Mortem results! Before getting your results Mummy met up with Libby and Feltch (don't call her that by the way, she will be cross with Mummy!!) for some lunch which was lovely. Libby had a little boy called Harry four day's after you were born but Mummy isn't ready to see Harry yet. Mummy feels bad but Lib's understands which is amazing, it is nice to have friends like that! Marley came with us for lunch, Rachel loved her and wanted to take her home. Your "big sis" gets so much attention I am surprised her head is as small as it is!

After lunch it was time for Jane to come round with the results. Mummy and Daddy had prepared ourselves for any outcome although we had both thought it had been the cord. It turns out that they could find no evidence that your brain had been deprived of Oxygen so it wasn't that. The results also showed that there was nothing genetic which is great news for us with future pregnancies. However, they couldn't actually tell us why you died, the results were inconclusive. All I could think about was "The Never-ending Story" where Fantasia was destroyed by "The Nothing", you died because of nothing! There is no way to stop it happening again because the doctors don't know what they are looking for and that, is, torture!

I need a reason!

Daddy needs a reason!

You need a reason!


I am just so sorry baby, so very, very sorry! I wanted to give you a reason for why you left but I can't and I will never be able to! That alone is heart-breaking!

We love you so much sweetheart. I will ask your daddy if he can write to you about his week :-) I have also added a couple of photos from the last week or so for you.

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy


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