I am starting this post at 20:11, the time that you were born 27 days ago, I can't believe you would have been 4 weeks old tomorrow! I didn't realise until after we had left the hospital that you were born at eleven minutes past the hour. For a long time before you were born Mummy seemed to look at a clock whenever it was eleven minutes past, the time that I kept seeing was 9:11 which used to weird me out. Daddy also started to look at clock at the same time each day, 11:11, I wonder if it was some kind of sign?! Could the outcome have been different if I had of noticed that sign? If and why are questions that I will ask for the rest of my life, never getting an answer to any of them!
When you loose someone close to you there are often a lot of reasons given by people to try and make sense of it all, some helpful, some not but none of them, true! It is a way for us to cope, a way for us to try and bring some peace to someone who is grieving. Whilst the sentiment is one of pure love, sometimes the answer you yearn to hear most is not an answer at all, it is silence. No words of wisdom, just ears because HONESTLY none of us know the answer and we never will! You my darling were taken from us before you had taken your first breath, the reason for why you were chosen to leave will, sadly, elude us forever.
I wish I had those answers, maybe it would make the pain ease, maybe it would give us an idea of what our future holds, maybe we would understand. The one thing I do know is, nothing is ever going to bring you back! My heart just broke, AGAIN! You are never coming back, Mummy and Daddy will never kiss you again, we will never hold you again, we will never get to spend time with you ever again! Life really is cruel!
Mummy and Daddy are so up and down, emotions are all muddled and intertwined we never quite know how we feel from moment to moment. One minute we laugh out loud, the next we are unimaginably sad, we are damaged! We are trying so hard for you though, trying to keep going, trying to better ourselves so that your legacy is entirely positive. You brought us so much joy, we need to hold on to that, not the hurt.
Anyway sweetie, Mummy has something to ask you. Now that Daddy is going back to work, Mummy will be alone a lot more and won't have as much to tell you each day, would you mind if I didn't write every day? It hurts so much to ask because I feel like I am letting go of you a little but I know you hear me regardless of whether I write or not. I know you can feel my love for you, it is after all, the most powerful love imaginable. I hope you do not mind gorgeous, Mummy just wants to make sure our letters are full of news for you. You never know, I might end up writing to you more when Daddy is back at work, Mummy might need your help to get through the day! I hope for your sake that I don't, I know you don't like to see us in pain.
I hope you are having fun in the clouds and aren't causing too much mischief ;-)
Love you, love you, love you!
Mummy and Daddy