Thursday, 21 August 2014

Your Box

Hello Beautiful,

I wish you could tell me how you are, I wish you could answer some of the questions I ask! Mummy knows you wouldn't have been able to tell me if you were here (unless you were super baby and could speak at 6 1/2 weeks old... it could happen) but someday you would have been able to. I will miss that someday forever.

Mummy knows I have said it before but how are we suppose to live every day for the rest of our lives with this huge, gapping hole in our hearts? If we are blessed with another child, we will of course be so, so happy but our family will never be complete again. We will never be truly happy again because you will always be gone. You are missing from me and all we have left of you is your box.

Your box which contains:

A blessing candle
A copy of the blessing
A card to acknowledge you had been blessed
A copy of your hospital tags
1 of the hospital tags you actually wore (you have the other)
2 Bears (you have their twins)
Photos the Midwifes took of us (you have a photo too)
A tea-light
A memory book with your hand and footprints and a list of all the things we did together
Copies of the letters Mummy and Daddy wrote and left with you
Mummy's hospital tag
A copy of the order of service from your funeral
Some plastic snowdrops
A poem with your little footprints on
A freezer bag with your blood stained clothes which are beginning to loose your smell
Your blanket that lies in between Mummy and Daddy every night.

That is all Mummy and Daddy have of you, your box and a grave! We couldn't live without that box. I never really worried about a fire before, yes it would have been horrendous if our house had gone up in flames but we have insurance, we would have got through it. Now, I worry about it a lot, if we were to loose your box to a fire... I can't even bear to think about what I would do! Maybe Mummy and Daddy should get a safety deposit box, we could put your box in there along with a copy of all of your pictures just in case.

Mummy and Daddy miss you so much Ophelia, I know you never got to meet us properly, or us you, but please know how much we love you. We have this idea of you in our heads, your cousins are very well behaved and extremely polite, I just know you would have been a little tyke, a proper little madam with a sassy personality. You probably would have driven your Grandparents mad, haring round the house, doing everything at a hundred miles an hour and wanting to know what everything was, but you would have been a total sweetheart too. No-one would have felt sad around you, you would have been able to cheer everyone up with a little wink or a smile and you would always know the right thing to say. You would have been amazing, I can just imagine what you might have looked like! It is so strange, writing this, far away from your freezer bag of clothes I can smell you, are you here Ophelia? Please let me know if you are, Mummy could do with a cuddle!

This week has been a little non descript other than this morning, we met Dr Shuklar today and spoke about what had happened to you and what will happen should we get pregnant again. Unfortunately she was unable to shed anymore light on why you died, it was just a freak thing, no obvious reason whatsoever. Mummy and Daddy do find that very hard to understand however, the doctor said that because they do not know the reason the likelihood of it happening again is extremely slim, so I suppose that is something. I am so sorry it happened to you though my darling, I promise to make it up to you somehow, I hope we are already starting to with all the changes we have made. Dr Shuklar has told Mummy and Daddy that if we fall pregnant again that we will be monitored very closely and if we aren't already pregnant in six months time we will be referred to the infertility clinic. This will give us a back up and it will hopefully help us to relax. The doctor is a nice lady (I wish I knew her first name because I hate referring to her as she/the doctor), she told us that if we are ever worried to ring her, she would much rather get us in for a scan than miss something. Mummy told her that if we were lucky again she would probably be sick of her at the end of it, I can be quite neurotic. She laughed and said she would be just as invested in our pregnancy as we were (almost), she wants us to bring a healthy baby home and will do anything to make that happen. She is amazing! Jane is amazing! Caroline is amazing! Should we get pregnant again your little brother or sister is going to be very lucky to have such a fantastic team looking after them!

One last thing before I go, did you see the books Mummy bought for the snowdrop suite? I bought "Each Peach Pear Plum", "We are going on a bear hunt" and "Zog" so that any other Mummies or Daddies that go there having something to read to their sleeping babies, do you think that was a nice idea? We didn't get to read to you there and it is something we wouldn't want other parents to miss out on so we donated them in your honour, we hoped you like that. Mummy also bought you some flowers to plant by the apple tree at home for you, I bought some Lilies (obviously), Snowdrops, Lavender, Bluebells (they represent everlasting love), Daffodils and Tulips. I think they are going to look really pretty, just like you.

Look at you big sis photo bombing this pic... she has to be involved somehow :-)

Anyway, sleep well poppet, your Daddy is writing you a letter at the moment and will send to you as soon as possible.

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy


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