Saturday, 23 August 2014

Daddy's Girl

To my beautiful girl Ophelia,

So I thought I would give your amazing Mummy a day off from writing to you, yes its your Daddy here! I know I am not going to be even half as a good writer as Mummy but thought I would give it a go anyway. I think your  Mummy is the strongest, most passionate and loving person that exists and I am so so proud of her, you know that already though don't you? Without her with me right now I would be a complete mess, I hope I help her as much as she has me. She loves writing to you. We would have both been such wonderful parents to you Ophelia, I guess we just have to dream of what could and should have been!

Since the day we found out that your little heart stopped beating I have become a different person, perhaps not from the outside looking in but from the inside looking out, a piece of my heart went with you the moment yours stopped. Everything now, is about you. The second I wake up to the second I fall asleep you are there in my thoughts and I love that. I even dream about you, well not your traditional dreams of clouds and rainbows but somehow more real like you are here with me, I love it and hate it.

Things are tough right now, although I try and put on a brave face in front of the guys at work and our friends and family, I am hurting inside so so much! Everything has changed but nothing has changed, you should be here, you are meant to be with us, instead the world just carries on as normal none the wiser, that just makes me sad! I keep thinking of all the things we are going to miss out on little one, how we would climb trees, how I would teach you to throw a ball, ride a bike, learn to play guitar, ride a skateboard and snowboard. We would have had such fun messing around and am sure you would have been my Daddy's girl driving Mummy crazy getting mucky, covered in dirt from outside - you are my girl after all. Those things seem very simple and normal and probably most parents take them all for granted which now makes me so mad, but I would give absolutely anything right now to do any one of those things with you. Most of all though, I would give anything for one more cuddle with you!

Our time together in the Snowdrop suite seems so long ago but I try and remind myself of every little detail of what happened, I am scared that one day I will forget what it felt like to hold your little hands, kiss your pretty little face and the long sleepy cuddles into the night. Although you were gone by this point, you were with us in that room right? Just like you are watching over Mummy and Daddy all the time now. I just want you to know the love we have for you is so strong it is overwhelming, this started from the second we found out you were growing in Mummy's tummy and this love will be there until the day we meet again in heaven where we can have the life we never got here on earth. I cherish the time we had, it keeps me going!

We nicknamed you, Wriggler, when you were growing in your mummy's belly because you were a active little one, I loved seeing you kick and it was amazing to feel you with my hands! If I knew what I know now then I would have cherished those moments so much more Ophelia. Do you remember me kissing you three times every night before bed? It became a bit of a ritual really, I kissed you every single night. You must have heard my voice too because I would tell you about my day and what I would be up too, I loved that! I remember one night I started singing the classic Whitney Houston track from the bodyguard, I will Always love You, with my face pressed up against Mummy's belly, you must have the same opinion as everyone else and agree that my singing voice is rubbish because you let out the biggest kick right in the side of my head, it made us laugh so much! Were you telling me to shut up? I don't mind though, you were right my singing sucks!

Although both your Mummy and Daddy are so incredibly sad that you are not with us in body we both feel that your legacy is living on in us, we have started seizing life more and I feel my eyes are open more to what is happening around us, even the trees, clouds and the nature seem clearer, sounds strange but it is like you are amongst them leading the way. We are trying to raise money to donate to Sands for research into why baby's like you don't get to come home with their parents. We are facing fears everyday for you which hopefully will help someone out in the future. Mummy even bought some story books and donated them to the Snowdrop suite so Mummy's and Daddy's like us can read stories to their little ones, we didn't get to do that!

We have hope though, hope that one day we will be able to bring home a baby brother or sister with us, hope that we can help others going through the same fate as us and hope that we will see you again somewhere, somehow!

There is so much I want to say to you in this letter but cant get it across on paper, I just hope you are happy in your new home up there playing and dancing on the clouds with all the other babies. I hope your Great Grandma and Granddads' have found you and are keeping you safe. Maybe look up Robin Williams, he would make you laugh or maybe get Jimi Hendrix to teach you a thing or too about a guitar! That would be cool!

I am going to leave you now with a quote from one of my favourite songs that is really helping me through the days at the moment, this is from Pearl Jam's - Black, pretty dark but sums up my general mood a lot of the time.

I take a walk outside, I'm surrounded by some kids at play
I can feel their laughter, so why do I sear?
Oh, and twisted thoughts that spin round my head, I'm spinning, oh,
I'm spinning, how quick the sun can drop away

And now my bitter hands cradle broken glass of what was everything
All the pictures have all been washed in black, tattooed everything...

Remember you are in my heart and I know you are smiling down from heaven, keeping an eye on us! Talk to you tonight in my dreams little one.

All the love in the world, forever!

Your Daddy and Mummy xxxxx

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