Friday, 30 January 2015

The tortoise and the hare

To my dearest Ophelia,

Life has started to move on, we are in a different year to the year we had you. We are different people than the people who made you, different beliefs, different outlooks, different life. Sometimes the world is on a treadmill, how has it been almost seven months already? At the exact same time the world slows right down and seconds are our hours. I am living my own version of the tortoise and the hare except both co-exist within in me. I am not either but I am not neither. Your snowdrops are coming through, a season since we planted them and yet a seed is yet to be planted elsewhere. Time drags. Month to month to month.

Mummy can't remember like she used to, names, dates, places. It feels so fuzzy at times. I flit between light and dark like a candle blows with the breeze. I can't keep track. Sometimes I feel this overwhelming sensation of peacefulness, I feel like things are starting, like our wait is coming to an end. Seconds later I slip (maybe I'm pulled, I'm not sure) into heaviness. Nothing seems possible there, only re-runs, like an eternal showing of "Only Fools and Horses". It's not funny though. We know all the words and we have seen the ending a million times before, only no matter how hard we try there isn't a way to change the channel. It is like every breathe I take counteracts the last, good, bad, good, bad, good, bad... It is exhausting.

Mummy wonders if she has any control. I thought I could trust myself with you but my body betrayed me. It does that a lot. Symptoms here, there and everywhere, taunting me, letting me down. I can't remember what it was like before you, did I feel you before the two blues? I can't remember, not exactly, I need it to be exact, then I will know if it is ok not to feel it. I know I felt things before our first but when? When did I feel it? It needs to be exact, then I will know if it ok not to feel it yet. Mummy sound like she should be dressed in white with a check dressing gown, frizzy hair (I have that) and slippers. It gets inside your head. Symptom checking, charting, hoping, hoping, hoping...
No answers.

Mummy wants quiet, calm to run through my body and release me from prison. Mummy want to feel like the sun lights my way, like it has chosen me to shine upon. Like I have finally been picked to play ball. Mummy knows she will do a good job. I do a good job with you don't I? I wish I had more of a chance to show you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

Love eternal,

Mummy & Daddy

Tuesday, 20 January 2015

What's been happening

Hello gorgeous,

How are you sweetheart? Mummy and Daddy miss you, very, very much!

Mummy was just thinking we haven't really told you what has been happening! I know you keep an eye on us and probably think Mummy and Daddy are very silly at times but I thought I would fill you in.

So... As you know Christmas was pretty tough but your Nanna and Grandad Angelinetta bought you some ballons which made Mummy smile because I had wanted to get you some on Christmas Eve but with everything else going on the shops had closed by the time I thought about it. We all had a couple of ballons, all pink except for one purple one with flowers on which Mummy wrote a little note on for you, I hope you got it?! It was sad that that was one of the only things we had for you but the sky was blue and the balloons looked so pretty when they were drifting up into the clouds to you. Mummy and Daddy hope you and all your friends liked them.

Did you see Daddy dressing up as Father Christmas on Christmas Day for the residents at the home? Mummy was so proud of him because it took so much energy to put on the show when he is so broken inside. The residents loved it though and I am sure he made their day! He is a wonderful man, your Daddy! You know that though don't you Ophelia?!

Christmas was over pretty quickly which we were glad about, the build up was so difficult because we know we must have looked like right Mandy bums not wanting to celebrate! Mummy and Daddy just felt like the odd ones out, so many of our friends had cause for celebration, we just wished we had been celebrating too! We were meant to be. New Year was tough too, the anniversary of your 12 week scan and the last day of the last year you existed on earth. When people ask about you now Mummy and Daddy have to say you died last year. People then think it is a year since we lost you, not just six short months. Mummy and Daddy got through it though and we are proud of ourselves for trying to enjoy parts of it. We hope you are proud of us too.

Since then Daddy and I have been busy, we even booked a holiday to Santorini. It will be so nice to get some sun and watch the sunsets. Mummy loves seeing the pink in the sky, it reminds me of you. Mummy has also started acupunture, I am going once a week until further notice I think. It is a bit pricey but Mummy likes it and hopefully it will all be worth it if and when we bring your little brother or sister home. Mummy has also been doing a project on Instagram for the past 55 days. It is called 100 happy days and each day I put a picture on of the thing that has made me happy that day. Some days it is so very hard but I have done one every single day so I am very proud of that too. Did you also see that I met Sofia? I held her and everything! It is HUGE load off my mind to have done it and now I can pop round to see Till a bit more often! Mummy knows it will still be hard but the first hurdle is always the hardest!

Mummy and Daddy are off to the theatre in London this weekend and hopefully meeting one of your friend's Mummy and Daddy which will be amazing if they still can! Grief doesn't have a calendar though so it all depends on how we all feel. Mummy will let you know how it all goes sweetie.

Mummy is going to try and gets a photo collage together for you so you have some more to pin to your cloud, I will try and add them the next time I write. Please say hello to Mummy's friends from the home who moved there recently, I didn't get to say goodbye and I want them to know that they made me smile and I miss them! Give Chloe's Nanna's a kiss too!

Anyway squidgy, I had better do the washing up (booooo hissssssss). I will write again very soon.

I wish I could see you again.

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy

Friday, 9 January 2015

185 days

Hello baby girl,

That is how long it has been since you were born, 185 days, to me it feels like forever and yesterday all at the same time. You would be eating solids by now, cheese sandwiches and random baby biscuits! We don't have a high chair to put you in whilst you throw all the food on the floor for Marley to munch, Mummy hopes you have one where you are.

Mummy cuddles Marley like she were you, I love Marley so much but sometimes I wish it were you! Mummy doesn't want Marley to not be here of course, I was just so looking forward to having you both. I miss how soft your skin is and the feel of you in my arms! Learning to live with this, knowing there is nothing that will stop this ache, only soften it, is impossible to get my head around at times. Mummy feels like a second class citizen sometimes, working my fingers to the bone for a shot at being an earth Mummy. Why do I feel like I don't deserve it? Why do I feel like I should give up because the reality is it just will not happen? I've felt it about stuff before but it was nothing in comparison to this, everyone dies but why can't everyone bring life into the world?! Seems odd to me! Unbalanced!

Anyway sweetheart, it's late, Mummy just wanted to say hello and I love you, I'm sorry if I burden you with all my pain!

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy