Friday, 9 January 2015

185 days

Hello baby girl,

That is how long it has been since you were born, 185 days, to me it feels like forever and yesterday all at the same time. You would be eating solids by now, cheese sandwiches and random baby biscuits! We don't have a high chair to put you in whilst you throw all the food on the floor for Marley to munch, Mummy hopes you have one where you are.

Mummy cuddles Marley like she were you, I love Marley so much but sometimes I wish it were you! Mummy doesn't want Marley to not be here of course, I was just so looking forward to having you both. I miss how soft your skin is and the feel of you in my arms! Learning to live with this, knowing there is nothing that will stop this ache, only soften it, is impossible to get my head around at times. Mummy feels like a second class citizen sometimes, working my fingers to the bone for a shot at being an earth Mummy. Why do I feel like I don't deserve it? Why do I feel like I should give up because the reality is it just will not happen? I've felt it about stuff before but it was nothing in comparison to this, everyone dies but why can't everyone bring life into the world?! Seems odd to me! Unbalanced!

Anyway sweetheart, it's late, Mummy just wanted to say hello and I love you, I'm sorry if I burden you with all my pain!

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy


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