Wednesday, 31 December 2014


To my dearest Ophelia,

We are heading into a new year now sweetheart, a year your body will not see. It is bittersweet. Your Daddy and I long for some new hope and we pray that 2015 brings us some of the happiness we deserve but saying goodbye to the last year that you were physically here is hard!

The first half of 2014 was the happiest of our lives, especially when your Daddy could feel your kicks. Daddy was super talented and pulled up all the carpet in the house, painted the floorboards upstairs and installed wood panel flooring downstairs. He also refreshed the paintwork in all the bedrooms and put together your nursery furniture. We were ultra prepared, we had everything ready with a few weeks to spare, all we had to do was wait. In the meantime, Mummy's tummy grew and grew as you got bigger and your movements got stronger, you really did love kicking your Mummy. I. Miss. That.

Since that fateful day your Daddy and I have tried to piece ourselves back together and I can honestly say that only a handful of days have passed were I haven't felt tears run down my face. We are stronger than we were and we are trying to be positive and capture life with both hands but we still have a long, long way to go. Mummy doesn't know what lies ahead, I am both scared and excited for the future but I will forever have a sadness in my heart. So much has changed since you had to go, some many negatives but positives too. Mummy listens more, taking care to consider other people's thoughts and feelings. I try to be more charitable too and Mummy has a plan for the future to help other families like us, nothing massive but something to add to the memory bank. We have a different friendship group, a stronger one, one full of amazing people who have helped us to get through the darkness. I will not miss the ones who didn't. We have also found friendship in so many unbelievable people, many of whom have offered support without having even met us. Most noticeably though is the strength your Mummy and Daddy have found and how much closer we are, I truly doubt there is anything that could break us apart now.

Mummy wishes you could have stayed with us, we miss you so very much but sadly no one has invented a time machine just yet so we have to carry on without you. We hope we have made you proud and continue to do so with every step we take. We hope you are happy wherever you are and that you are being well looked after, we know you have lots of amazing friends and family to keep you safe and warm. Mummy's heart broke the day we said goodbye and although it is beginning to heal it will never be fixed until we meet again.

We love you and we will write to you in the new year.

Happy New Year Ophelia, our sweet, sweet girl.

Love eternal.

Mummy and Daddy


Wednesday, 24 December 2014

Christmas Eve

Hello Poppet,

It is Christmas Eve! Two more sleeps until it is over, YEY!!!

Mummy cried herself to sleep last night, it is hard to feel so hopeless, so exhausted, so unsure if happiness is ever coming back to this house. Every day I wake up and reality hits me once more, it is like you die all over again every single day.

Mummy feels so stupid at times, for expecting you to get here, we were so naive! Three years ago Mummy just thought "we will get pregnant and have a couple of children... Easy!" Nope! Desperately hard! It is a miracle, to give birth to a living child and for that child to survive. A complete miracle! So many don't see that though. Some vile people kill their children...

Mummy knows now that everything is random, there is no-one looking over us, their is no scale or law of averages. There is just us, what happens, happens. Sometimes life just shits on people continuously whilst others have all their wishes granted. If there were a balance everyone would be equal, but war, homelessness, infertility, abuse, violence all exist. Mummy is grateful, I do have lots of things others don't but I also don't have lots of thing others do. Mummy is just scared that one of those things will be a living, breathing child. Mummy is scared that the only chance we will ever have was you and Mummy couldn't get you here alive. I am so, so sorry I couldn't!

Wanting a baby doesn't go away, it is in your every waking thought, it is your reason to live, it is the reason you breathe. Do you know how long every hour feels when hope is all you have?! Every month that passes is like a year and every month without you is an eternity. Loosing a child is a life sentence, Mummy and Daddy will never get over loosing you. It is terrifying. Of course Mummy and Daddy would never want to forget you but knowing grief is with you forever is crippling. Yes, Mummy knows in time it will get easier but having you "in my heart" isn't enough, it never will be! Today marks 24 weeks since we last saw you, 24 weeks since we said goodbye and left you in the hospital. In 16 weeks and 1 day's time we will without you longer than we were with you. We had you for 280.5 days and they were the best days of our lives!

Mummy and Daddy are dreading tomorrow but we have some little gifts for you which we will leave at your graveside, Mummy hopes they don't get taken again. We just want you to have them for a little while.

We miss you so, so much. We just wanted to be earth parents to you.

Love eternal.

Mummy & Daddy


Especially from Daddy - xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thursday, 18 December 2014

Stress isn't the problem...

Hello my beautiful, beautiful girl,

How are you? Mummy knows I have asked before but are you getting bigger up there in the clouds? It is hard because half of me wants you to but the other half doesn't so that when we are together again you will be the same!

In less than two weeks it will be the anniversary of your 12 week scan. Mummy remembers the waiting room so well, I was terrified we wouldn't see your little heart beating. We did, we were so, so happy. We told all our close friends but decided we wanted to keep the news relatively private, I guess a part of Mummy wanted to surprise some people when you arrived. Little did we know a short 27 weeks later your heart would stop and for no reason. In 19 days time you would have been six months old... We have no clothes to fit a 6-9 month old.

Mummy and Daddy went to the counsellor this morning, Jan is lovely and she asked to see a picture of you. Mummy cried. Mummy and Daddy were expecting to be asked that question all the time, the reality is we aren't. Either people are scared of upsetting us or they don't want to see you, whilst I understand both, it hurts. Mummy and Daddy are so very proud of you and LOVE talking about you and showing you off so please...

Anyone who is reading this that is scared to talk about Ophelia or scared to ask to see a picture, don't be. It hurts all the time, you could not possibly hurt us anymore than we already are, in fact you would be making our day! We are like every other parent except talking about our child is all we have, to allow us to do that is amazing! Thank you!

Mummy, Daddy and Jan chatted about lots of things, pain, frustration, anger, Mummy cannot tell you how freeing it is! We also talked about stress and it's effects on the body. We are told a lot that stress probably has a lot to do with it but how do we switch that off? Jan laughed a little and said "People get pregnant and have babies all the time, what they are thinking or feeling has nothing much to do with it." It started Mummy thinking, we know a fair few other parents like us, a lot have gone on to have or are expecting their rainbows, they didn't find a way to switch their grief off... they just had sex and fell pregnant (most, some needed help. Mummy is so glad there is help!)! This, I think has helped Mummy and Daddy a lot. If women in war-torn countries can have babies, stress has little to do with it! Jan also urged us to get an appointment booked so it is there, Daddy is going to ask today sweetie.

So it's Christmas next week, the Christmas wishes have started coming through the door. It is lovely that people are thinking of us but Mummy and Daddy would love a new type of Christmas card... "What a shit year! Christmas will be hard, like every day but you are in our thoughts and our hope is that next year your dreams will come true!" As a society we have no real idea of how to deal with people who are grieving, it is odd! If this had happened to someone else, Mummy would have been shit, I probably already have been! Life and death are the only two certainties and yet we freeze up when it comes to death, not having a clue what to say or what to do. Mummy's advise would be, if it comes from a good place, say it. Even if you think it might bring up memories, they are on the surface anyway! Also, don't be afraid to say something matter of fact or jovial either. One of the best things someone has said to Mummy came from an old friend, Andy (he actually helped get Mummy & Daddy together... Mummy hasn't forgotten!). He emailed me a few days after you died, he said he was sorry etc and told me you were beautiful. He then went on to say you must have gotten your looks from Daddy because you were far too pretty to be mine! Mummy knew he was joking (hopefully...) and it was lovely because he would have said that if you were alive too! That one comment, that one tiny piece of normality will stay with me forever! That and when Funkle Ben told a butterfly off and called it by your name... those tiny things that some people might think would upset me actually fix Mummy's heart a tiny bit.

Anyway sweetie, we love you, so, so much. The next week or so will be really hard for Mummy and Daddy but we know you are there watching over us.

I sit and look at photos
A wedding that I know
But sadly, it's the people
It them I just don't know

We were so naive then,
We hardly had a care.
Sometimes I want to start again,
To be that person, there!

I know it is impossible,
The truth is just so raw.
I couldn't take it back now,
My love for you is more.

Nothing last forever,
I know that to be lies.
This pain will be forever,
And my love will never die.

Love eternal,

Mummy and Daddy


Saturday, 6 December 2014

If I could hold a moment

Hello Squigy,

How are you today sweetheart? I hope it is warm up there in the clouds, it is very cold here! Mummy is sure you and your friends are all snuggled up.

Mummy is exhausted but I wrote you a little poem and wanted to read it to you before bed.

If I could hold a moment - Sarah Hancon

If I could hold a moment,
That moment would be you.
If we could be together,
My dreams, they would come true.

Such a perfect little darling,
I ache that we're apart
You're a treasure that's so precious,
that I keep you in my heart.

I wish upon a star at night,
To bring a baby home.
I know you're watching over us,
And that we're not alone.

One day you'll have a sibling,
A little pink or blue.
A baby sent from heaven
Picked for us by you!

Mummy is starting to believe it could happen for us, after all it would be an utter tragedy if it didn't because we are amazing parents! We are so honoured to be your Mummy & Daddy!

We love you and miss you so, so much.

Love eternal,

Mummy & Daddy


Sunday, 30 November 2014

I quit

Hello gorgeous girl,

You have no idea how much we miss you! It hurts so much!

Mummy thought about Christmas today, that we will be coming to your grave to see you and your only gift will be flowers and maybe a card! How on earth did this happen? Why did it happen? Mummy knows she says it all the time but it is how I feel all the time! Mummy cannot take anymore, I give up, I quit!

Mummy feels like her favourite word is hopefully, hopefully it will be our turn this month, hopefully things will get easier soon, hopefully next year will be better. Sadly, Mummy keeps saying it but nothing is changing! How much more pain do we have to go through, how much more suffering? Mummy feels like she is being greedy but all I want is to be a Mummy, a Mummy that other people acknowledge as a Mummy! I am your Mummy and I am so, so proud of that but I want to be an earth Mummy too! Most women want that, most women get it but every person that wants a baby should be able to have one! Sadly though, Mummy knows so many Mummies and Daddies who are exactly where we are... In hell! We don't want lots of money (although if Mummy and Daddy had money we would give loads to SANDS and find the best fertility doctor in the world), we don't want big houses, flash cars or material things. We just want our children! Is that wrong? Is it wrong of us to want to be happy? Do we deserve this awful fate? Of course we don't but we all deserve a break!

Anyway, Mummy is sorry, those happier letters still live firmly on the horizon. Mummy has started a couple of projects to bring a bit of happiness back in to her life, I hope you saw them and like them so far. Mummy made a pillow for you yesterday, all hand-stitched, Daddy was pretty proud of me! We are going out today to buy some baubles for the SANDS Christmas memorial tree, we are going to decorate them ourselves with your name and birthday, we hope we don't mess them up!

Mummy and Daddy went to another SANDS meeting the other day, we saw Jane, she is going to arrange some extra tests for Mummy to see what is going on. Jane has also arranged some counselling which starts next Friday, Mummy needs to talk to someone about how she feels, someone that is able to help her cope. Mummy really hopes it helps because I cannot go on the way I am anymore. The meeting was "good", they played the video which Mummy and Daddy contributed to. It was heartbreaking to see name after name, baby after baby, family after broken family flash up on the screen and those were just a snippet of families who have suffered the loss of their baby. Mummy and Daddy were very proud to see your bottom and your name up there though and pleased that we could do something to help, even if it is only very small.

So Daddy has booked another challenge, he will be flying a microlight in January so for a little while he will be closer to you in the sky. He is very scared but Mummy is very proud of him! Mummy needs to arrange something soon too, it is not that I do not want to do the challenges, it is just that one challenge is more important! Mummy will do some more I promise you!

Anyway sweetheart, is is gone 12pm and Mummy is still in bed... I should really get up! Mummy and Daddy love you so very much and wish every second of every single day that things turned out differently. We truly do!

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy

Saturday, 22 November 2014

Dear whoever...

Hello Ophelia,

Mummy has a letter I was wondering if you send? I don't know who it is to, I don't know if it is to anyone... I guess there is a part of Mummy that hopes that everything isn't just random. That there is a giant scale for good and bad luck and that ours will be tipped for good luck soon. Mummy is just willing to give anything go right now.

Dear Whoever or whatever controls our lives,

My name is Sarah Hancon, I fear you may have forgotten me... Either that or you do not like me. It would be easier if you had forgotten me because hopefully this letter would prompt you to change our fate. If it is the latter, could you tell me what I did? I never meant to upset you, I am sorry if I have, I do try my very best to be a good person.

You see all we have wanted for the past three years is a little baby, a son or daughter to take care of, to love. We thought our dreams were about to come true but our precious daughter was snatched right at the last minute. You see, we have lost two children now and been through months and months of trying. I just don't understand, why is it so much more difficult for us? Have we done something that means we don't deserve happiness? Or is it just a mistake, did you not realise we were hurting so much? If that is the case, please could you send the stalk our way?

It is the most natural thing in the world, I'm not being greedy, just one living child is all I would like. Over the past three years this love has grown inside me, Ophelia was meant to be the recipient of that love but I can only love her in my mind, I can't kiss her, touch her or do anything for her. This love I have is trapped, nowhere to go! I know if we were to be blessed with a sibling for Ophelia they would be loved beyond imagination but for the moment it is just so painful. Sometimes I feel so lonely, so low that I just can't fight anymore. I just want to sleep until a happier time but I am worried it is just not coming...

We did everything right, washed all our veg, took vitamins, didn't have a drop of alcohol but was there something I missed?! Did I eat something I shouldn't have? Was the bath too hot? Did I eat too many biscuits? Sounds ridiculous to be asking these things but when you did nothing wrong and your daughter died of nothing you search for anything. I promise, I will do EVERYTHING I can if you give us another chance. I will look up every food, I will get loads of rest, I won't lift anything, I'll have baths that make me go goose pimply and I'll steer clear of biscuits! I will never take any of it for granted, from the first heartbeat to their very last a hundred years later!

Please! I beg you!

Love and so much hope,

Sarah xx

Thank you for sending this for Mummy and Daddy, we love you so, so much! You are amazing!

Love eternal,

Mummy & Daddy


Friday, 21 November 2014

Planting your tree

Hello Gorgeous,

How are you? Are you being looked after? I know you have lots of wonderful friends to keep you company but how Mummy wishes it were us that kept you warm at night.

Mummy and Daddy have just planted your tree for you, it is a crab apple and hopefully it will have pink flowers when it blooms. Pink for a baby girl. It is the last thing we will ever physically do for you, how sad is that?! We put a tree in the ground on top of your grave, what happened to tickling your tummy and stroking your cheeks?! Mummy and Daddy imagined a future with you, we imagined what it would be like to take you on walks, to see your first steps, to hear you laugh, to watch you grow and become a woman. Mummy wishes she had spent more time imagining what the small things would be like before you died because now I realise how utterly important it all is.

There is a thought that keeps creeping into Mummy's head, what if we are never going to watch our child grow up?! What if we never get another chance?! Mummy tries to push it away, remembering that you were almost here and you were perfect but it is hard. A few days before you were born Mummy had the most upsetting thought, "What is she is stillborn or dies just after she is born?" Mummy shook it off thinking it was just to awful and that you were fine... Maybe I just knew something deep down. There are a few things that scream at me now, 'You knew!' Whenever I was asked how you were my response was almost always, "She is fine, I think!" Even though I could feel you, I couldn't see you, no-one can but even in my daydreams about the future I couldn't. Mummy and Daddy decided not to post anything about the pregnancy on social media, we wanted it to be old school... Mummy's baby shower was the week before you died and a couple of things were posted by mistake. Mummy asked people to de-tag me because I wanted to "wait until you were here safe and sound"... those words will haunt me forever! I had a conversation in the two weeks leading up to your birth, "I just feel like she is never going to get here!" Sadly I was right! It is these random moments that make it harder to believe it might happen for us, if I don't feel like it will, even if it is only for a few moments, maybe it just won't! Maybe I just have a 'gift'! Mummy is trying though, remembering that for every horrible thought, I had a million lovely ones. Our thoughts do not control the outcome! Jeanette helps Mummy to think a lot more clearly, thanks to her Mummy has learnt to be less hard on herself too... Recent events are not her fault!

Daddy and I went to see 'The Woman in Black' with your Grandma and Grandad A the other day, it was really good. I think Daddy was a bit scared in places but that was probably due to the high pitched wails of a bunch of school kids in the dress circle... They were so loud! They added to the atmosphere though. We also had a fun day on Sunday going to the driving range and for a roast with J9, Chattington, Chlo and Nic. The boys, of course were good but Mummy was quite surprised at her skills, it probably had something to do with a heck load of pent up frustration... We still need to buy that punch bag! J9 bought Mummy a lovely gift from Hong Kong, a Mulberry bag... Lucky Mummy eh?! We are hopefully seeing them all again this weekend to go and watch 'The Hunger Games' together.

Mummy spent most of the day on Saturday with the lovely Jess, or JCB as Mummy likes to call her (affectionately). We went for some lunch, we had a nice chat mostly about you, we chatted so much we were actually asked to leave, Mummy hadn't even finished her drink! Jess came to see you with Mummy, she likes your little house. Mummy is so glad we are back in touch properly, she is an amazing lady!

So you must have seen Mummy last Friday when she dressed up as Robin... I did it for SANDS and I raised £60 but in total we raised around £500 which is great! Mummy's work helped a lot by raising £172... They love their cakes! Thank you BI Worldwide :)!

Anyway sweetheart, Mummy had better let you get some sleep. I love you so, so much and I miss you with every beat of my heart.

Love eternal

Mummy & Daddy

Friday, 14 November 2014

The day

Dearest Ophelia,

The pain never goes...

It started with such promise,
Yet it was denied.
All my dreams were shattered,
The day my daughter died.

You grew and grew inside me,
With it, excitement too.
We couldn't wait to meet you,
How we wish this wasn't true.

Nothing is the same now,
Not light, not love, not heart.
How cruel a thing to take you
When your life was yet to start.

Reality has settled,
a different path we lead.
The one we had expected
It drowned amongst the seed.

We love you, we miss you, always, forever!

If there is anyone that makes any choices please tell them that your Mummy and Daddy deserve a break! Mummy knows you would if you could...

Love eternal.

Mummy & Daddy

Saturday, 8 November 2014

4 months

Hello Squidgy,

So four months have passed since you left, the days have been slightly lighter recently but it is still so hard. Mummy doesn't understand why you had to go or why happiness doesn't like us!

Mummy and Daddy went to see your bench today, it is right next to you so we can read you stories. It is lovely and we are very grateful to BI Worldwide and you Granny and Gramp Angelinetta for giving us the money for it. We hope you like it poppet.

Mummy had another reflexology appointment on Thursday, Jeanette is lovely and really helps Mummy feel a bit more positive and relaxed. It is amazing what the feet can tell you about your body. She could tell I was feeling a little less weighed down just by playing with my feet! Incredible really. Jeanette told me some other stuff but I will leave that just for your Daddy and I at the moment. Mummy doesn't want to bore you!

After the appointment I made my way over to Royston for Nat and Tom's wedding. Mummy had to get changed there so thankfully I arrived in good time. The bride looked gorgeous, Mummy loved her hair and her dress. Tom is a lucky man! There were a lot of children and babies there though. It is so hard for us to see others cradling their babies when we cannot cradle you, we should be able to. Babies shouldn't die.

The ceremony and reception were lovely and the venue was beautiful. There was a tree covered in fairy lights right outside the reception area that all the children were playing under. Tom's Dad came outside and started to play with them too. It was picture perfect but sadly all Mummy could think about was your Grandad, my Dad. He will never get that chance to chase you around a tree and tickle your tummy, it makes Mummy so sad. He would have loved playing with you.

It isn't just the big things we miss, it is everything we won't get the chance to do, like feeding you for instance... Mummy wasn't feeling too well the other day so Daddy made me some tea and fed Marley. He turned round and said "Right, that is all my girls sorted!" It hit him like a truck, it was an awful truth. Daddy will never get to feed you, he will never get to sort you out a bottle or have you flick yogurt in his eye. That is heart breaking! It seems so simple, a chore probably but Mummy and Daddy would give up everything to have that. F**k I miss you! Sorry, Mummy swore! It is true though.

Sometimes it feels like my sole is so angry that it is trying to escape from my body. It feels like it has peeled away from my skin and is now an entirely separate part of me. It cant get out though, so it sits there angrily. Irritated that it chose this body, this life! Mummy's sole just wants us all to be together. What did we do wrong that meant that we weren't allowed to do that? People tell me I didn't do anything but there has to be a reason you died, it can't just be because of nothing! It makes no sense.

Mummy is thinking a lot about some of the ladies on the forum, some have lost so many babies. I know one lady that has lost 9. NINE! WHY? No-one deserves that pain, no-one! It shouldn't happen once, let alone several times! She is one of the strongest people I know, she keeps going, she keeps reaching for her dream and every part of me hopes it comes true for her. She deserves it so much. We all do!

Anyway sweetheart, Daddy and I are off out on our first date night since you were born tonight so I better go and get ready. It is strange but this is probably around the time we would be doing it if you were here... At least we have Marley and your pictures to come home too.

Love eternal.

Mummy and Daddy


Friday, 31 October 2014

My daughter, the box!

Hello Squidgy,

Mummy went into town with your Granny and Grampa Angelinetta today, it was nice to see them. They treated Mummy to a couple of bits from Mummy's favourite shop, it was very kind of them but it is just another thing that none of us should have been doing. Of course, we would have gone shopping but it should have been for the little tutu Mummy had seen before you were born, I know Grandma wanted to buy you one. Now, would we ever get that tutu? If you do have a little sister would I want to buy her a tutu because that vision I had was yours. Mummy knows you wouldn't mind, you would be so happy to see Mummy and Daddy smile but we do have to consider these things.

This month has actually been the most difficult one so far for Mummy (bar July obviously...), I think the shock helped me through the first three months but this month was the start of the real grief. It was the start of "this time last year..." On Monday it will be one year since we found out we had finally fallen pregnant again but all we have to show for all the months of trying and the 9 months of carrying you are memories, photos and a box, what the hell is that about?

How did my daughter turn into a box?
She was meant to be here, asleep in her cot.

How did my life become so dark?
We were meant to be together, skipping along in the park.

How did our house become so empty?
We were meant to have visitors and guests aplenty.

How will we begin to live this new life?
When hope has gone missing and pain cuts like a knife.

I will try to be positive, do what I can
To live your life for you and come up with a plan

To honour your memory and make proud
So you will be smiling from up there in the clouds.

Your Daddy is doing the Milton Keynes Marathon in your honour next year, 26 miles... He is going to start training this weekend, Mummy is very proud of him! He is going to do it as part of Face your fears for Ophelia so hopefully that will raise a bit more money for SANDS and Children are Butterflies. Mummy and Daddy are also dressing up as Superheroes on 14 November as part of SANDS Superheroes, I am sure you will think we look very funny!!!

Mummy met one of her forum friends this week, she is lovely, I hope we get to see each other again! Mummy has also started a bit of a detox (although I might have a wine or two tonight...), it's more of a fertile food diet, I will give anything a go! I am also doing Yoga, you probably saw Mummy looking like a right weirdo earlier in the week as she flung her body into strange shapes and made funny sounds, it helps to relax me though.

Anyway poppet, Mummy and Daddy miss you so, so much. It is so long since we last saw you and we still have forever left until we see you once more! We know you are looking over us and sending your love and wishing for happiness for us. Thank you beautiful!

Love you to the moon, the stars and the sun and back.

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy


Thursday, 30 October 2014


Hello Poppet,

Mummy needs a little help sweetheart. I am struggling to move forward, this wasn't the life I was expecting, this isn't the life I wanted.

I miss you.

Love eternal.



Thursday, 23 October 2014

Back to the future

Hello Poppet,

Mummy has probably let you down recently, haven't had a lot of strength to be honest, I am just exhausted, tired of all the pain your Daddy and I have endured over the last four years. I haven't even made it out of bed a couple of times. Lazy Mummy eh?! If you were here I would never be able to do that, I'd never probably have understood how lucky I was to be so tired though so thank you for showing me just how precious every second is!

Mummy went to the home yesterday though, spoke to a lovely lady called Doris, she is 95 and looks AMAZING! Sadly she doesn't really like the activities the home puts on, there is lots to do but it just isn't her thing, she likes plays and romance novels! I spoke to her for a while, asked where she was from, whether she liked dancing and how long she has been at the home. She then told me about her daughters and the cruise they had recently been on, she is a sweetheart. It broke Mummy's heart to see her sad so I offered to find her some romance novels from the bookshelf downstairs, when I brought them too her she told me I had cheered her up no end, it made Mummy smile. It is amazing really how just a few moments can make a difference to someone! Mummy knows you would have done things like that too!

Daddy and I are doing this run on Saturday, the tag line is "when life hands you rain, make rainbows!" We thought it was quite fitting to say the least! Mummy and Daddy are very ill prepared though, we have done no training at all but like I say, we haven't had any strength recently! Hopefully we will do ok though with you spurring us on and maybe we will come home with a rainbow!

Mummy has started dreaming about babies, had a dream every night this week so far, I. The dreams I get to hold a baby, I don't know if it is you, I just know that every second I hold the her is a second longer than I thought and I feel so grateful. In one dream the baby had a broken foot, or twisted somehow, Mummy tried to fix it but I just made it worse, is that what I am doing now? I am trying to heal but sometimes I just feel like I am getting worse. Anyway, then I wake up... Dreams can come true I keep trying to tell myself but how can I really believe that when upto now they haven't?

Mummy has started a little chant before she goes to bed, every night after the light goes out and Daddy and I have said our goodnights I lie on my side and start to breathe in and out deeply, right into the depths of my body and repeat the following in my mind at least three times:

"You can get pregnant"
"You can carry a child"
"You can give birth safely"
"You can bring a living baby home"

It is like I am specifically talking to my eggs, willing them on, "you can do it ladies, just have faith!" Mummy thinks it helps to relax me, not sure if it does any good though. Only time will tell I guess!

Anyway sweetheart, Mummy loves you, Daddy loves you, Marley loves you! We miss you all the time! This time last year you were here, maybe only by a day or so but here all the same, one year on, no baby though! One year on for now, Back to the Future will be in the past and hoverboards might exist, let's hope your brother or sister does too!

Love eternal.

Mummy and Daddy


Sunday, 19 October 2014

What it is like

Today, this isn't a letter, this is what it is like...

On 6 July I woke up and felt very different to how I had the day before, I knew something wasn't quite right. Quickly we went to the hospital and within minutes were told our daughter had died and that we would have to go through labour and birth and not be taking her home. I died that day, not physically but mentally, in an instant my life was stolen as well as hers.

Not even two days were spent with her, some people don't even get that, some just have their babies taken away, they aren't allowed to see them so I am grateful we held her and told her she is loved but it isn't good enough, my daughter shouldn't be rotting in the ground she should be here.

In the weeks since, Paul and I have had to start re-building our lives, often having to hide our real emotions because they are even too much for us but doing that is exhausting and the tears do come, mostly when we least expect them to. I can't hold a conversation on the phone very well, I can call a takeaway and end up in tears. Sounds stupid doesn't it? I have hardly made a single call since she died, I don't have the confidence so Paul has to most of the time. In person I can switch off, since the funeral I have seen a few people, I have cried in front of them roughly five times in total across all friends. It is not because I don't feel I can, it is because I am terrified I won't stop. I cry as soon as I am on my own.

I wake up in the morning and for a second everything is fine, I have felt that before when bad things have happened but this is infinitely worse. I get up, I have a shower, I clean my teeth and put on my make up, sometimes I do my hair this can all happen in roughly thirty minutes, it is horrible. It should take half the morning if not more. Most of the time my house is pretty clean other than the washing up because I avoid it but I always have. There are no toys in my living room, nothing baby related at all, that is all locked in her room which I simply cannot go into. There should be toys! Almost like clockwork, whenever I feel the emotions setting in the next door neighbours newborn grandchild starts to cry, I don't dislike it because it is distracting, I dislike it because it the only time I hear a baby cry, I don't hear mine.

There are places Paul and I used to go and we can't go anymore, this can make things like going out for food even more difficult, I am fussy as it is, we had found our groove and now we have to start all over again. It is hard to say what it feels like to see pregnant women and babies, it is beautiful but it is really hard too because sadly I am really jealous, I try so hard not to be because it's not fair and I feel like an awful person. I don't know what they have been through to get their child and even if they haven't been through anything they love and want their children. I just love and want mine too. Babies shouldn't die. That's why I fundraise, the NHS could be doing more to save babies, it is so hard to know that something could have been done to save so many babies, 50% or so from what I understand but more research has to be done... More babies have to die before the NHS will change. I don't think badly of the NHS, they are covered in red tape but surely the DoH can just sign off an extra scan and a sizing chart? I would pay the £20 it costs... I would have paid £20, I would have given all the money I had. I personally do not think this extra scan at 33 weeks would have saved Ophelia, she was fine then but if I had been monitored in the days leading up to her death maybe, just maybe she would be here. That is one of the hardest things to swallow, if she had been born less than 48 hours earlier I know, without question she would be here now.

I scare people, I know I do, I am their worst nightmare. I am the 5%. That is all it is though, 5% of people will suffer a stillbirth or neo natel death (far too many, it should be 0%), the odds just weren't in our favour, nor were they the first time. I do have to talk about it though, maybe one day we will help to save lives. For the moment it is support I want give the most, to someone on this path with me, to say you aren't alone. Grief does the strangest things, I don't know me anymore, I don't know when I will react well or not, I don't know anything really. I know I am terrified, so scared that children just aren't on the cards, lots of people tell me they know we will be parents to a living child but the question that always comes into my head is, "did you know Ophelia was going to die?" Obviously no-one did but there in which lies my point, no-one knows. I know people wish they did, I wish I did. I am negative and hurting though so seeing the positive is very hard. I see it for all my friends and family though, everything will work out great, I really, really think that whatever they choose. I have contradicted my point but somehow I see clearer when I look out.

I have seen a lot of happiness recently, lots of friends have got engaged, some have got married, a few have had babies and a few are expecting. The truth is, it is hard, but not because I am angry you are happy and I am not but because I cannot join you, not properly anyway. I don't want to ruin your happiness, I feel like I did last week... Cried on the bride!! I did again this week... Very unintentionally but I made someone I care about upset. When you are grieving it is hard to do a lot of things, most of all celebrate, it becomes alien, you wish you were celebrating, for them and for you but the sadness isn't buried yet (it will always find a way out), it sits on my shoulders weighing me down and I can't help but let it out. I feel very selfish as a result and that makes me feel so very guilty but I need to give myself a break, I don't have any control of this. To all my friends please forgive me if I am not there, I wish so much that I could be, please know whatever happens we are happy for you.

Sometimes I look back at things I have said, things I have done, no-one is perfect after all, but I end up feeling like I have deserved this, like maybe Ophelia didn't want me to be her Mummy, maybe she didn't like me. Maybe it is ok that this has happened to us, maybe it was expected because I am not a good person. I complained about things a lot, wasn't always nice, wasn't always thankful for what I had/have. I look for reasons to my questions why and sadly sometimes I feel I have found them.

Sometimes I want to be with her, I think mainly because now the shock of her death has gone, reality has really hit. Like every mother, I would have given my life for hers. I think as parents we all think that, we want them to live, to love but some small part of it selfish too because living without your child is impossible.

I can never really put into words what it feels like when I see that closed door, or when I lie in bed and think about what lives in there. Sometimes I think about what we will do with her things, will they ever be used or will that room lie dormant forever?

It is hard to tell you how I feel when I take a photo of a candle instead of her face, when I read a story at her graveside instead of her bedside. It is hard, it is so hard.

I am trying.

Saturday, 18 October 2014

Hard times

Hello beautiful,

Mummy is finding things really, really tough at the moment, I just don't know where to turn to be honest! Mummy finds it almost impossible now to not  recoil into myself, into the computer, it's hard! So, so hard! Mummy never knew grief could change so much in your life, Daddy and I have made some positive moves for you, we have to but it is the things we can't control that can clothes line us.

Mummy started volunteering this week, I went in on Thursday morning and chatted with the residents, made tea and coffee and helped with lunch, it was nice to be helping, to be giving something back but it took a lot out of me too. Five times the words "Do you have children?" came out of people's mouths... Mummy has to judge how to say it each time but I never say no, I might have only had you for a matter of hours, all of which were after you had gone but I AM A MUMMY! I always say yes. That bit Mummy loves, in that second I am happy then comes the but... She died! Then of course comes "I'm so sorry, how old was she?" Ummmmm minus one day old, is that a thing?! "She was stillborn" Then the assumption there was something critically wrong with you, because you would be here otherwise right? No, she died because her heart just stopped, no reason why, if you were born on Saturday 5 July you would be a happy three and a half month old now and that is the cold, hard, awful truth! Maybe Mummy sat strangely, maybe I shouldn't have eaten those polenta chips, maybe I was just too assuming that you would get here? Maybe, maybe, maybe!

Mummy has heard other "Angel" Mummies say that some of their friends didn't like hearing about their little ones because it was too sad for them! Oh... Right! You don't even know what sad means! How cruel! Live one day in our shoes and then you will really know sadness and then some! Do you have any idea how amazing we are to be here when the most important thing in the world isn't? Amazing doesn't even cover it! Those Mummies and Daddies are awesome and Mummy and Daddy are so honoured to know them, we were loved and cared for instantly by them, that doesn't happen every day and no words will ever be enough to describe our gratitude.

Anyway sweetheart, if you can could you put in a good word for us? Mummy doesn't know if there is anyone to have a word with but I thought I would ask! I hope you are having fun with all your gorgeous friends and you are still proud of Mummy and Daddy. Mummy wonders if you are getting bigger up there, have your grown? Mummy wishes she knew!

Love you so, so much poppet!

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy


Thursday, 16 October 2014


Hello Ophelia,

Mummy misses you so much today, I do every day but today it is shattering! Mummy just wants to cuddle you, to hold your hand, to see you smile but that was stolen from us, just like it was stolen from your older brother or sister. Why did Mummy and Daddy have to loose both of their babies?

I feel angry and selfish today, it is not fair that we should go through so much heartbreak! Mummy feels like happiness isn't meant for your Daddy and I...

Sorrow - Sarah Hancon

In happiness I am a spectator,
Joy is not my own.
I could sell you sadness by the bucket,
The smiles are yours alone.

To celebrate in sorrow,
Is such a vicious sting.
I find I'm getting weaker
I just can't say a thing.

Fate has his friends
In life I am not one.
Maybe if he saw me,
Our chance of love would come.

Ahhhhhhh, this is so sombre
I wish it wasn't so.
I try and try and try so hard,
But fate, he is my foe.

Mummy feels like the wind has been forced from me today, I was doing so well but I have tumbled down rapidly! Some people ask me how I am, they do so almost breezily like there is a time frame of how long I should grieve for. There is no time frame, Mummy will never get over your death, my gorgeous little Squidge! Mummy hopes in time it won't always be so raw but I now know that won't come soon, Mummy is still so broken!

Anyway sweetie, that's enough now, Mummy doesn't  want you to think I am sad because I had you, Mummy is sad because we lost you. Mummy will look forward to the day I get to see your face again for the rest of my life. It is torment living without you.

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy


Tuesday, 14 October 2014

For a friend...

Hello Squidge,

Mummy will write properly to you tomorrow, I just wanted to let you know how much I love you, how much Daddy loves you and how much Marley loves you, we all do, so, so much!

Mummy wrote a poem for one of your friend's earlier, her mummy had asked if someone could write something incorporating all the meanings of her daughter's name so I put pen to paper, or finger to iPad... I really, really hope she likes it!

Here it is for you to read, maybe you could read it to her?

An immortal dream plucked from earth,
An eternal beauty left us after birth.
Everlasting love is what you gave,
Unfading light in which we bathe.
Imperishable is what you'll be
A life lived through eternity
Your strength and grace will guide us through
Our new forever without you.

I miss you poppet, nothing is the same without you even though we expected our lives to be so different.

Forever our baby girl, always loved, never forgotten.

Love eternal.

Mummy & Daddy

Tuesday, 7 October 2014

Where is the justice?

Hello Beautiful,

How are things in the clouds? Are they springy? Mummy has always wondered whether they were like trampolines, Mummy hopes so!

So how have the last few days been for Mummy and Daddy? To be honest Ophelia, it is so up and down, one week we could be functioning pretty well whilst other weeks it feels overwhelming. Sometimes Mummy feels so angry, so let down, I try not to but it is hard, I see so much hate, so much evil but there are thousands of parents going to to sleep (or trying to sleep if only their brains would let them) tonight without their much loved, much wanted babies, WHERE IS THE JUSTICE?

Mummy and Daddy have always given to charities, never thinking we would find we needed one to survive... your Mummy and Daddy wouldn't be here functioning the way we do without the charities that have been there for us. Mummy uses the forum every day and has a group of friends on Facebook and Instagram that are there at a drop of a hat. Mummy and Daddy have a lady that comes round to see us every couple of weeks, she has lost too, her son 21 years ago, we talk about you, about our fears of a future pregnancy or possible lack there of and she is able to offer advise based on her own experiences. Then there is the group every month, a space where we can support others and be supported. Mummy and Daddy owe them so much, we hope we can continue to raise money for them, maybe one day our fundraising will save a baby like you. Mummy has said it before, nothing, NOTHING would ever be worth your death but I'll be damned if your legacy won't be worth something! It will be, Mummy promises you that, you will make your mark on the world, you already have!

Mummy looked at pictures of your bump buddy Harry today, it was hard! He is giggling now, looking like a little man, he looks like he is a right cheeky monkey and Mummy is jealous! I hate that I am, I shouldn't be because the two of you should have been growing up together, reaching milestones at the same time but the milestones we have are miles apart from the ones they are experiencing... Will your Daddy and I ever see the happier side of pregnancy? People tell us not to give up, we will get there, we like their optimism but sadly unless you have walked this road it is hard to see how impossible hope can be, after all pregnancy is the epitome of hope , if that dies what do you have left? A crystal ball is on Mummies Christmas list!

On a brighter note, Mummy and Daddy have entered a race that is taking place on 25 October in Oxford. It is only 5k but seeing as Mummy and Daddy are rubbish at keeping fit it will be a challenge  but hopefully our t-shirts will covered in rainbows by the end of it because people will be throwing paint at us as we run. It should be fun and very fitting considering how much we want a rainbow!

Right, Mummy is tired, I didn't sleep properly again last night so I am going to get myself to bed. Love you to the moon and back!

Love eternal.

Mummy and Daddy


Thursday, 2 October 2014

2 October

Hello Gorgeous,

Mummy wishes there was a way to bring you back, I miss you so much, it hurts!!!

So every time Mummy thinks she has turned a slight corner reality sends one of the boys round to slap me round the face! One year ago today was the start of the cycle that would turn in to you, our beautiful little girl! I can remember that month so well, Mummy and Daddy had stopped trying for a baby, we had come to the conclusion that it just wasn't going to happen naturally. We had an appointment booked to see a consultant in infertility on 8 November 2013 but we found out on 3 November you were on your way, I have never been happier (other than when I was holding you OBVS!). Now one year on I can honestly say I have never felt so alone, so hopeless and so heartbroken, one year to the day that aunt has come to stay again!

Mummy just can't shake the feeling that it just won't happen, that Mummy and Daddy will never have a living child! Short of what happened to you trying to conceive is the most painful journey to be on, it is agonising! Mummy just wanted it to happen so much, especially as this month will be so hard for your Mummy and Daddy!

Mummy wants so much to tell you some good news, it has been so long since we had some! Our string of bad, rotten, awful luck just seems to be dragging on! Mummy feels guilty for writing that! We are still so very lucky, we don't live in poverty, we haven't lost family members to war or violence. We have a nice house, enough money to feed and cloth ourselves and we have love, from so many people, we have to be thankful for that! Mummy just wants what she can't have, she wants you! Mummy even had to change the end of that sentence a few times, guilt again... I wrote you because it is true, I do want you but I also want your brother or sister but if I wrote another child I would feel like I was discounting you... NEVER! If I wrote you and another child I would feel like I am being greedy! Is Mummy being greedy? Is it greedy to want my child or children? I don't know!

How naive your Daddy and I were when we started trying for a baby, we thought nothing of it, we would just get pregnant! We did but sadly we lost her too (I always thought of baby no.1 as a girl...we lost to early to know for real though... Sorry if you are a boy baby Hanc!) I was told that there is only a 30% chance that you can get pregnant each cycle, 30%! How people get pregnant because of a one night stand I will never know and most likely they will never appreciate how lucky they are for that to have happened! It just seems so low that I actually wonder how the human race has survived so long! Mummy had fallen into that naivety trap again since having you, she thought that loosing you would be enough heartache, surely this time we wouldn't have to go through month after month, cycle after cycle but it is starting to look that way again. PLEASE GIVE US A BREAK!!! PLEASE!

Anyway sweetie, Mummy has done it again, she has made you sad! I don't mean to, I try not to feel so sad but life just isn't happy anymore! We are sorry we didn't come to see you on Sunday, but we figured you were busy watching your Mummy and Daddy try to ice skate, Mummy was RUBBISH! Daddy was pretty good, as per! You would have been like that, good at sports. You and Daddy would have sped off on your snowboards/surfboards/skateboards leaving Mummy to eat your dirt. That's ok though, Mummy wouldn't have minded, Mummy is better at other things, like writing :-)

Mummy spoke to a nice lady at the residential home up the road, I am thinking about doing some volunteering up there. I think it will help, if I can make someone else feel good about themselves maybe it would make me feel a little better too, what do you think? Do you think they will like Mummy? I hope so, I will let you know what happens sweetheart!

Mummy is going to go now but remember we love you, we are happy to have had you in our lives!

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

PS Marley sends you a great big kiss!

Thursday, 25 September 2014

We are lucky to have you...

Hello Beautiful,

Mummy and Daddy miss you poppet, did you know your Daddy writes your name on the mirror every time he has a shower? Mummy loves that, you are always with us sweetie.

Your Mummy had to write a very hard letter today, she was so worried about having to give it to its recipient but suffice it to say Mummy had nothing to worry about, we truly do have some very special people in our lives and Daddy and I are so grateful.

I forgot to tell you the other night about my hair... It is lilac and I love it, it is probably the first time I have loved my hair for a very long time! Do you like it little one, do you think it suits your Mummy?

I don't have much else to say but I did write you another little poem:

Untitled - Sarah Hancon

Your eyes they never opened
The air you did not breathe
But left a footprint on my heart,
That will never leave.

The pain it is impossible,

The fear is even worse,
Sometimes I feel somebody
Has left some kind of curse.

We travel on this journey now

With grief right by our side
I only hope that some day soon
There will be a change of tide.

Love you so, so much!

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy


Sunday, 21 September 2014

Can't Sleep

Can't sleep...
Hello Baby Girl,

So, it's midnight and Mummy cannot sleep so I thought I would write to you and tell you what is happening here in Weston Favell...

The days are tumbling by, it's getting colder and it is less than 100 days until Christmas, how is that possible? Christmas... The day we announced to family we were pregnant, that you were on your way, what will Christmas be without you?! Mummy has always loved it, she always goes overboard and spends far too much, that won't happen this year, I'm not even sure if we will celebrate it at all. I think Mummy and Daddy might try and go away so we can be alone! New Year will be rough too, after the year we had last year we thought 2014 was going to be our year. Nope, it's the worst one yet! I would like to tell you that I feel some sort of positivity about it, I do, sometimes but quite often it dissipates. I guess we will just have to keep doing what we are doing, keep moving forward. A positive, no matter how fleeting it may be is still a positive and we do have so much to be thankful for.

This week has been TOUGH! Mummy has found herself revisiting all texts, emails, cards and letters we received after you died. I do it because I almost want that pain, that sadness to envelop me all over again, after it was in all those raw emotions that we held you and sadly it all seems so long ago! I will never truly forget how that felt, both nights that we had you I kept hold of your little hand, I was terrified that if I let go you would vanish. Ultimately, you did and now Mummy struggles to remember what you felt like. I know you had velvet soft skin and I know that you were a temperature you shouldn't have been but how heavy did you feel in my arms? You were 8lbs 4ozs but what does that feel like? Mummy can't remember and I feel like I have let you down, I am so sorry.

Mummy dreamt about you the other day, it was the first time and they were so sad. Mummy dreamt that you were here, that I was holding you. We were in a restaurant I think and Mummy spotted someone she knew sat on a large, brown leather armchair, it was like something out of Jackanory. We walked over to say hello and just as he asked me how you were you morphed into a large photo book, the weight of which was crippling and forced me to the floor. Tears started pouring from my eyes and when I looked again the book had disappeared and Marley had taken its place in my arms. Later Mummy dreamt that her and Daddy were in a swimming pool, a tiny baby had been found dead at the bottom of the pool and people were discussing what they should do with it. Mummy swam over and took the baby in her arms, as soon as I did the baby grew and opened her eyes. It was you, you had come back to life. I screamed for Daddy to come and see, that is when I woke up, crying because my eyes knew what my brain did not... You hadn't come back to life!

Someday there will be happiness in these letters, I promise you that Ophelia.

"I love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be."

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy


Wednesday, 17 September 2014

The sky is falling

Hello Beautiful,

How are you? Tell me, what do you do for fun up there in the clouds? They look so comfy, I bet you just jump around all day, safe in the knowledge that if you fall, something soft will catch you. I like to think of you as doing that, of having fun, being carefree and enjoying the time you have up there until we meet again.

So tomorrow is the day we were meant to be going away, we would have been getting on the Eurotunnel (a first for Mummy, well a first for Mummy, you and Marley...)  tomorrow morning at 9:30am and travelling down to Spain over the next two days. I wonder, would we have been thinking we had swallowed more than we could chew by driving down with a two month old and Marley?! We will never know, all Mummy does know is that we would have had fun! I was so looking forward to getting in the pool with you, Mummy and Daddy had bought you some cool flowery glasses and some cute swimming costumes, you would have looked adorable. Those glasses and swimming costumes will always be yours, no matter what, Mummy and Daddy couldn't bear to part with them or use them for your little sister, should we be lucky enough to blessed with one. They are yours and yours alone.

The nights are beginning to set in, "the sky is falling!" as Chicken Little had once said. Leaves are beginning to cover the ground and conkers are being played by children in the playground, how strange is it that your Mummy finds this so painful. It is another cruel reminder that this isn't a dream, that the summer we thought we were going to have is really gone and October is almost here. I'm still not sure if I am ready...

Mummy finds the outside world scary at times, with Daddy I am safe, with other people who have suffered a similar loss I am safe, but out there, I am alone!  Out there Mummy & Daddy have to navigate through so many reminders that you are not here, unless I wear a sign that says "I'm a Mummy to a dead baby" nobody knows! Just today Mummy had to run and hide in a toilet as someone started to talk about their friend's scan, the last scan I had will haunt me and Daddy forever. Our dream just didn't work out the way we had hoped, it is hard to hear the excitement and innocence of others.

Anyway sweetie, things are getting a tiny bit easier, I still cry every day but not as many times so our lives aren't all about the sadness we feel. Every time I see your little Squidgy face I smile, you are the light through all this darkness. I will look forward to the massive kiss and endless cuddles we will have when we meet again in heaven for the rest of my life.

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy


Saturday, 13 September 2014

What would have been...

Hello O,

How are things up in the clouds, are you getting enough cuddles? I bet you are!

The past couple of days have been easier than most, Mummy and Daddy have been busy. Today we went to Sheffield to the Tropical Butterfly House to get our hands on some bugs and reptiles as part of our challenges, it was fun! Did you see your Mummy and Daddy? Both of us were scared of the crawlers and creepers but we did so well, we held them all!! I hope you are proud of us, here is the video for you to watch it sweetie!

So, it's that time of year again, X Factor is back... Mummy has no idea why I watch it, the judges and their utter lack of humility irritates me but it's addictive. Anyway, a girl came on tonight, she was sixteen, pretty, blonde and dressed in a cute little lace baseball dress, I instantly thought of you. It is strange, she reminded me of you, impossible really, but I imagined you to be a lot like her at sixteen. She had this air of kindness about her, she seemed polite, humble and serene with a hint of sass, my minds image of you! You would have been able to walk into a room and light it up, I don't know how I know that, I just do! You would have been so beautiful at that age (at any age) and you would have had great style, not too old, not too sexy, just cool, effortless like her! I never thought for one second we wouldn't get to see you that age, at any age, moments like that bring me right back to that moment... "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat!"

Mummy still just doesn't get it, why you, why us???? Too many times there are parents that torture their children, even kill them! Those children deserved parents like us and their parents didn't deserve children at all, where is the justice? I feel so sad for them, for you, for us!

It has been a hectic day for Mummy and Daddy so we are going to get ourselves up to Bedfordshire!

We love and miss you with ever cell.

Love eternal.

Mummy and Daddy


Monday, 8 September 2014

Holiday and a rant...

Hello Squidgy,

Mummy is sorry I didn't write much whilst we were away, we were busy trying to make the most of our trip as we didn't want you to see us sad all the time.

So Barbados... It was better than I had expected it was going to be. The hotel had an amazing outdoor space, it backed right out on to the beach, had a lovely little pool and three whirlpools. Mummy and Daddy played a lot in the pool and on the beach, we wrote your name in the sand again, did you see it? The bedroom was pretty basic but it did the trick and the staff were lovely, I think I would go back there. We arrived last Saturday around 4pm and were in bed by 6pm... Mummy and Daddy are such party animals! We felt great the next day though, totally refreshed and ready for the day. We spoke to the hotel and arranged a few activities for the week, our first being jet skiing that afternoon, it was so much fun we did it twice. Your Mummy was the better driver, Daddy managed to throw us off because he got a bit too speed happy, it was funny though.

On Monday, Mummy and Daddy went surfing and guess what, Mummy managed to stand up! Last year when Mummy and J9 went surfing in Bude Mummy just couldn't do it so I am very proud that I managed it this time, our instructor was great though unlike the instructors in Bude! Daddy was a pro straight away, of course. Your Daddy is good at stuff like that. I think you would have followed after him, you would have been fearless and in no time at all you would have been showing him how it's done. If only...

You were there with us though, I am sure of it because before we got to surfers point we had seen the most incredible sight, hundreds of white butterflies flying around the trees. That was you and your friends wasn't it? Did you have a nice time? I hope so. Thank you for coming to say hello.

So Tuesday came around, Mummy was going to do a scuba dive as part of the challenges for "Face your Fears." Mummy had been psyching herself up all day and even though I was scared I had actually started to look forward to it. However, when we arrived and started to fill out the questionnaire, there was a question "Are you or could you be pregnant?" There was a chance, a tiny weenie one and I just couldn't risk it, I am so sorry sweetie, I hope you understand. It was not to be though, unfortunately your Mummy and Daddy will just have to wait and keep trying, praying for a miracle to happen, Mummy is loosing hope though! They saying nothing easy is worth having but this time, I think we deserve it to be easy, the getting pregnant part that is. We know we would have an extremely hard road ahead of us if we were to get pregnant again and I want that struggle, that struggle I would welcome with open arms because through all the worry there would be hope. Hope that the baby would survive, hope that we would have two children, one who lives in our hearts and one who lives in our home. We are desperate for it.

As Mummy couldn't do the scuba dive, we did the next best thing... snorkelling with the turtles. Mummy was very scared to start off with, some of the turtles were HUGE and they swam right up to us, Mummy screamed a few times! After a while though Mummy found some confidence and by the end I was diving into the water to follow them and actually touched one, twice! Even though I didn't do the proper dive I hope you were proud of me, I still faced a fear. I was out of my depth with fish and turtles all around me and no idea what could have been swimming underneath me but I did it and I enjoyed it. I have you to thank for that, you are the driving force in everything I do now, everything I do, I do to make you proud. Mummy and Daddy love and miss you so much.

On Thursday we rented a moke and set off on an adventure around the island in search of the "Animal Flower Caves". Daddy drove, he loved it. He got us a bit lost but, in getting lost we found the most incredible vista of the northern part of Barbados, it really is a beautiful island. We also found a man who forced Mummy to have a coconut, told me to drink some of the milk and then he topped it up with rum... I hate coconut milk and I don't like normal rum (if it were spiced...). Oh well, when in Rome I guess, I drank what I could and then we made our way to the caves. They were amazing, breath taking in fact and to top off the unbelievable view and surroundings there was a pool that we could swim in. Mummy almost got taken out by a massive wave, Daddy thought it was hilarious, did you too? I bet you did!

Mummy and Daddy didn't do much at night, partying just didn't seem right, sometimes neither did dinner but we treated ourselves to a lovely meal on the last night. We had booked a table at "Café Luna", a rooftop restaurant right on the seafront. Mummy and Daddy wonderful evening made better by the fact your song came on just as we got our food. If you had of been there it would have been perfect.

It was time for us to come home though and both Mummy and Daddy were pleased to be doing just that, we had missed being around all your things. We arrived back early yesterday morning, we had a hard day as it marked two months since your death and birth, two months since all our dreams were completely shattered. I see and hear people all the time complaining about their children, it makes my blood boil, how can they not see how lucky they are?

You were taken from us without us having the chance to be parents, something we wanted more than anything else in this world. We couldn't wait to experience it all and yet all I seem to see is parents shouting at their kids for having their shoes on the wrong feet, mothers moaning about dirty nappies and fathers looking bored out of their minds in the park.

Do I know how hard it is to be a parent? No.

Do I know what is feels like to be drained of all energy with no let up? No.

Do I know what is feels like to have your child throw up on the clean clothes you have just had to change into because they had pee'd on the last set? No.

But, here is what I do know...

I know how it feels to give birth to a baby who is already dead.

I know how it feels to be told that the future you had been looking forward to is gone.

I know how it feels to wake up every single morning and have the wind taken out of me because I remember that I will never see you, my beautiful little Ophelia, ever again.

I know what it feels like to have a dead child that never met me.

I never saw your eyes, I never heard you cry, I never felt your warmth against my chest and I will never know what you could have been.

To the people who don't appreciate how lucky they are, read this, look at the child you have just moaned about and consider, what would you do without them?

Of course, I get it, everyone has the right to moan, like I am now. However, all I would ask is for people to ask themselves is it really that bad, would the alternative be better or worse?

Maybe if I knew that I could get pregnant at the drop of a hat I would feel slightly less vexed. Maybe if I knew that any subsequent pregnancies I may have (I hope to god every day that I do, also, you might have noticed I always have to say hopefully whenever I mention another pregnancy for fear of tempting fate...) would be the sort of pregnancy most women experience, I would be a little more sympathetic. Sadly though, I am not one of those women, I have to fight every single step of the way to get the same thing that comes so easily to others and the same thing that so many people take for granted. Trust me the alternative is hell!
I would do anything to be in their shoes and they would do anything not to be in mine!

To create life is remarkable and it is something to be cherished.

Mummy and Daddy will cherish you forever, you are our everything.

Mummy is sorry for having a whinge, I do understand that parenting must be difficult at times, I just wish I was experiencing those difficulties rather than the pain of our loss.

We miss you so much!

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy


PS. We hope you like the present we brought you back from Barbados, a pretty flower just like you! Sorry it is not a toy or a rattle, we aren't allowed to leave things like that for you.

Tuesday, 2 September 2014

You are my Sunshine

Hello Beautiful,

How I wish I was actually talking to you, your Daddy and I had waited so long to do just that and it is so hard that we never really got a chance.

As you know we are in Barbados at the moment, it is very hot and both Mummy and Daddy are sunburnt, oooooopppps! I have so much to tell you when we get back but for now I wanted to sing you a song.

You are my Sunshine

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
The other night dear, as I lay sleepin'
I dreamed, I held you in my arms
When I awoke dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head and I cry
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
We miss you so so much Ophelia but we hope you are proud of us, we are trying so hard to make the most of this holiday and not let opportunities pass us by.
Love you, love you, love you!
Love eternal
Mummy and Daddy

Thursday, 28 August 2014

I will love you forever

To my dearest Ophelia,

I miss you darling, I wonder what we would have done today. Maybe we would have gone swimming together for the first time, maybe Tilly and Finn would have come too. Maybe we would have gone shopping for some holiday clothes for you or just gone for a walk in the park. I would have loved doing all of those things!

Mummy did go shopping today and I saw the prettiest pink dress out of the corner of my eye as I was looking, or pretending to look at holiday cover ups (I didn't buy one Paul, I have loads!!). I couldn't move, my feet had frozen, my body was stiff and my eyes, my eyes just stared! Only two months ago, I would have bought that dress immediately, taken it home and washed it ready for you to wear. Now, all I could do was imagine what might have been, wonder if I would ever be able to buy that dress and hated all the women around me who could! To make matters worse the lady who had run the antenatal classes was stood in the queue for the checkout. It is so strange, you would think I would run but I wanted her to see me. I wanted her to ask me how my baby was doing. I wanted to tell her what had happened. I wanted her to share in my grief even if only for a second! She didn't see me, or at least if she did, she ignored me. My grief is all mine still.

Mummy is sorry these letters have gotten darker again Ophelia, I wish it were so very different. Maybe it is because we go on holiday on Saturday. To an outsider it is the dream holiday, a week in sunny Barbados, a treat so many will never experience. To me, it is something else I shouldn't be doing, it is another week without you, it is another hurdle. Yes, I am sure it will be "nice", I am sure it will be "relaxing" but I think some people believe we will be fixed when we come back. Let me say this now, we will never be fixed and honestly, I don't want to be. To be fixed would be to forget you, that will never, ever happen... "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be!" (Roger Knapp)

We will come and bring you some flowers and read you a story tomorrow before we go. I am sorry we won't be able to see you whilst we are away, maybe one of you grandparents might if we ask them too. Thanks to your Nanna & Poppy Angelinetta and also all your friends at Mummy's work we are going to get you a bench to put on your plot so we have somewhere to sit, I will let you know when that is on it's way.

Mummy is crying again (not a day has gone by that I haven't) so I will go.

I miss you, nothing is the same without you.

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy


Monday, 25 August 2014

Dear Friends

Hello Angel,

Did you like the letter Daddy wrote to you? It was lovely wasn't it. He found it hard to write and even harder to read but I think it helped him a little.

Mummy has gone backwards over the last few days, reality has hit, bang, I have suffered another blow to the heart, you aren't coming home! I think back to the last few weeks of pregnancy, I was so looking forward to not being pregnant so that I could sleep on my back and not suffer the pain in my hips every night. I couldn't wait to have my post pregnancy meal of runny eggs on toast, tiramisu and a glass of wine and I was looking forward to a steam in our hot tub (it's a blow up one...). Now, now... I would go through months of sickness, endless sleepless nights and endure all the other pregnancy symptoms and I wouldn't so much as make a sound. I would do anything to be there again, for you to be there again. I know the latter cannot happen but I hope, I pray, I wish everyday that the other will come true, I have a child to love but I need a child to hold.

Mummy found support through my forum friends this week, it seems so strange that I am able to share all of my private thoughts and emotions both on here and with people I have never met and yet I find it so desperately hard to be honest with the people who have known me my whole life or at least some of it. So many times I wanted to air it all on Facebook, tell everyone exactly how I feel, let everyone see how hard this is, how much it hurts, how broken I really am. So many times I have wanted to pick up the phone and just cry until all the water has left my body but I can't for fear of over sharing or something far worse, the fear of no response. Mummy thought about writing an open letter to her friends, I have added it below, can you tell me what you think?

Dear Friends,

Thank you, we love you, your support and care at this devastating time has been amazing, we are lucky to have you.

You have offered us your help but don't be offended if we do not take you up on it, we can't, to ask would require more energy than we have. You have said please call me if you need me, we want to, really we do but we are scared of being an inconvenience. You have said let me know when you are free and we will meet up, we would love to see you but we cannot call to say let's do something tonight for fear that you will be busy.

Grief comes and goes, when we feel the most pain we are unable to reach out, our bodies are consumed. On easier days it still takes all the energy we have to function like you do on a lazy day. Loss is tiring, it demands so much of us, we are sorry it is this way.

Please do not take any offence to this letter, we know you are doing your best and like I said WE LOVE YOU. Call us, we will answer if we can, invite us out, if we feel ready we will come, come round and do my washing up... I hate that! We might cry, it might be hard for you to see us in pain but we need to do that. We need to grieve. We also need to smile, we need to know what is happening in your lives because we care and even though we have a new normal we still like to experience yours.

Thank you, we love you, we are lucky to have you.

Sarah & Paul xxxxxx

Do you think that is ok sweetie? Mummy and Daddy just want people to know how we feel. We do not mean to ignore them and we do not want them to feel scared around us, we wouldn't have known what to say if this had happened to anyone else. Mummy hopes it doesn't upset anyone.

Mummy hopes you have had a nice day with all the other angel babies, say hello to them from us.

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy


Saturday, 23 August 2014

Daddy's Girl

To my beautiful girl Ophelia,

So I thought I would give your amazing Mummy a day off from writing to you, yes its your Daddy here! I know I am not going to be even half as a good writer as Mummy but thought I would give it a go anyway. I think your  Mummy is the strongest, most passionate and loving person that exists and I am so so proud of her, you know that already though don't you? Without her with me right now I would be a complete mess, I hope I help her as much as she has me. She loves writing to you. We would have both been such wonderful parents to you Ophelia, I guess we just have to dream of what could and should have been!

Since the day we found out that your little heart stopped beating I have become a different person, perhaps not from the outside looking in but from the inside looking out, a piece of my heart went with you the moment yours stopped. Everything now, is about you. The second I wake up to the second I fall asleep you are there in my thoughts and I love that. I even dream about you, well not your traditional dreams of clouds and rainbows but somehow more real like you are here with me, I love it and hate it.

Things are tough right now, although I try and put on a brave face in front of the guys at work and our friends and family, I am hurting inside so so much! Everything has changed but nothing has changed, you should be here, you are meant to be with us, instead the world just carries on as normal none the wiser, that just makes me sad! I keep thinking of all the things we are going to miss out on little one, how we would climb trees, how I would teach you to throw a ball, ride a bike, learn to play guitar, ride a skateboard and snowboard. We would have had such fun messing around and am sure you would have been my Daddy's girl driving Mummy crazy getting mucky, covered in dirt from outside - you are my girl after all. Those things seem very simple and normal and probably most parents take them all for granted which now makes me so mad, but I would give absolutely anything right now to do any one of those things with you. Most of all though, I would give anything for one more cuddle with you!

Our time together in the Snowdrop suite seems so long ago but I try and remind myself of every little detail of what happened, I am scared that one day I will forget what it felt like to hold your little hands, kiss your pretty little face and the long sleepy cuddles into the night. Although you were gone by this point, you were with us in that room right? Just like you are watching over Mummy and Daddy all the time now. I just want you to know the love we have for you is so strong it is overwhelming, this started from the second we found out you were growing in Mummy's tummy and this love will be there until the day we meet again in heaven where we can have the life we never got here on earth. I cherish the time we had, it keeps me going!

We nicknamed you, Wriggler, when you were growing in your mummy's belly because you were a active little one, I loved seeing you kick and it was amazing to feel you with my hands! If I knew what I know now then I would have cherished those moments so much more Ophelia. Do you remember me kissing you three times every night before bed? It became a bit of a ritual really, I kissed you every single night. You must have heard my voice too because I would tell you about my day and what I would be up too, I loved that! I remember one night I started singing the classic Whitney Houston track from the bodyguard, I will Always love You, with my face pressed up against Mummy's belly, you must have the same opinion as everyone else and agree that my singing voice is rubbish because you let out the biggest kick right in the side of my head, it made us laugh so much! Were you telling me to shut up? I don't mind though, you were right my singing sucks!

Although both your Mummy and Daddy are so incredibly sad that you are not with us in body we both feel that your legacy is living on in us, we have started seizing life more and I feel my eyes are open more to what is happening around us, even the trees, clouds and the nature seem clearer, sounds strange but it is like you are amongst them leading the way. We are trying to raise money to donate to Sands for research into why baby's like you don't get to come home with their parents. We are facing fears everyday for you which hopefully will help someone out in the future. Mummy even bought some story books and donated them to the Snowdrop suite so Mummy's and Daddy's like us can read stories to their little ones, we didn't get to do that!

We have hope though, hope that one day we will be able to bring home a baby brother or sister with us, hope that we can help others going through the same fate as us and hope that we will see you again somewhere, somehow!

There is so much I want to say to you in this letter but cant get it across on paper, I just hope you are happy in your new home up there playing and dancing on the clouds with all the other babies. I hope your Great Grandma and Granddads' have found you and are keeping you safe. Maybe look up Robin Williams, he would make you laugh or maybe get Jimi Hendrix to teach you a thing or too about a guitar! That would be cool!

I am going to leave you now with a quote from one of my favourite songs that is really helping me through the days at the moment, this is from Pearl Jam's - Black, pretty dark but sums up my general mood a lot of the time.

I take a walk outside, I'm surrounded by some kids at play
I can feel their laughter, so why do I sear?
Oh, and twisted thoughts that spin round my head, I'm spinning, oh,
I'm spinning, how quick the sun can drop away

And now my bitter hands cradle broken glass of what was everything
All the pictures have all been washed in black, tattooed everything...

Remember you are in my heart and I know you are smiling down from heaven, keeping an eye on us! Talk to you tonight in my dreams little one.

All the love in the world, forever!

Your Daddy and Mummy xxxxx