Monday, 23 November 2015

We have something to tell you...

Hello Squishy!

Mummy and Daddy have something very important to tell you...

On Saturday at 5:05pm we welcomed your little brother, Foster Cole Hancon into the world and he weighed exactly the same as you, little chubbster! He is so beautiful, just like you and we are just overwhelmed with love for both of you... we are so lucky to have such gorgeous babies!

He came out like a freight train and before Mummy had time to really consider any pain relief. He has a bit of a grunt so has been given antibiotics as a precaution and feeding so far is a bit tricky but I am sure we will get the hang of it!

Thank you for watching over him whilst he was inside Mummy's tummy. It was such an incredibly hard journey to get him here but he is worth every second, just like you are.

We will tell him all about you and as his name means "keeper of the forest" he will always protect your memory here on earth as you protect him from the clouds.

Mummy, Daddy, Foster and Marley love you all so much, we wish you could be here too but we know you are with us all in spirit.

Love eternal

Mummy, Daddy and Foster

Tuesday, 8 September 2015

Where did my confidence go?

Hello Beautiful,

You would have turned 14 months old yesterday and to be honest in terms of the pain I feel at the moment it might as well have been yesterday that you died. Mummy can hold back the tears for the most part, especially in front of other people but when I am on my own I let go and allow grief to wash over me.

Mummy has been finding thing incredibly hard recently and my anxiety levels seem to be sky high! Both your Daddy and I are still going to counselling but Mummy feels like she needs more, maybe CBT, or hypnotherapy... I just want some of my old confidence back. The thing Mummy REALLY struggles with is talking to people on the phone, I hate it! Daddy and I bought a new sofa not long ago but it soon started to bobble and we needed to get someone out to look at it. As Daddy is at work all day it was left for me to arrange for the upholsterer to come out the house, Mummy managed it somehow but in order to get the sofa sorted I need to speak to Harvey's resolution team. They rang over three weeks ago now and Mummy hasn't found the courage to call them up again. Mummy cracked last week after a seperate incident and called Daddy in tears (he is the only one I feel comfortable calling) "I can't talk to people on the phone, I really hate Paul!" I think that was when he actually understood properly how difficult it is for me. Mummy doesn't know why it is difficult though, maybe it is because of the potential for bad news or because I might cry down the phone to some receptionist somewhere,. Whatever the reason, it is what it is.

The other thing Mummy struggles with is my appearance, I have never been a beauty queen but I did used to feel confident in the way I looked (bar the odd few wobbles). I don't now, I have changed my hair four times in the past year because I just want something to make me feel good again, feel pretty but I don't. I feel second rate. Daddy sometimes tries to take photos of me but my rapidly decreasing eyebrows (brought on my a completely irrational need to pull out my hair) and my double chin make me feel so ugly that I feel sorry for Daddy, he didn't marry that! It hurts Daddy, I know it does but sometimes I really hate myself! It was my body that failed you! I often wonder if you would have been proud to point me out as your Mummy at school...

Mummy wishes she didn't feel this way. Mummy wishes she didn't have to miss you so much. Mummy wishes you were here.

I love you so much Ophelia.

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy

Wednesday, 15 July 2015

Happy Birthday Squidge

Hello Beautiful,

Mummy is sorry this is a bit late, sometimes it is just too difficult to write!

You, my darling turned one on 7 July, Mummy simply cannot believe a year has passed since we last saw you. So much time has passed that you sometimes feel like a dream, Mummy finds that very hard. It is almost as if this happened to someone else, if Mummy is honest it did...

Mummy and Daddy found it really hard to decide what to do about your birthday and we only made a final decision a few days before. So your day started at your spot, Daddy and I bought you some ballons which we tied to your tree and we also bought your gifts and a nice chocolate cake with a sparkler candle and a normal one. Both Mummy and Daddy cried as we started to read the cards, it really hits us when we are there exactly what we deal with every day. We tried hard to keep it together for you though so that we could enjoy your "party" as much as possible. Your gifts from Mummy and Daddy were two Peter Rabbit books which we read to you and a healthy baby hamper which we bought to help an expectant mother in a poor country, we hoped you liked them! After we read your stories we tried to light your candles but it was so windy it didn't really work, so we decided to light them at home at 20:11 which is the time you were born. Just before we left Daddy planted a lily for you which should be flowering now and we also went to the office to buy you a vase which could stay on your plot.

We then said our goodbyes and Daddy and I let your balloons go so you had something to play with before we made our way back home. When we opened the door we were greeted with around 10 cards from your friends and family all wishing you a happy birthday, it really was lovely and Mummy and Daddy really appreciated it. Thank you for remembering!

The next part of your day was at the Sea Life centre in Birmingham where we saw some penguins, sharks, stingrays and  jelly fish which was very fun. Your Mummy even touched a starfish! Once we had gotten round all the attractions we went to the shop and bought you a little penguin souvenir which now sits next to Ralphy the Christmas fox in the front room. After we had finished at the Sea Life Centre Daddy and I went to Ed's Diner for party food, Daddy had a massive chocolate milkshake which he enjoyed a bit too much... he almost didn't eat his lunch!

We then finished of your day with another balloon release and the lighting of the candles at 20:11. Although it was a hard day we hope you were proud of how well you Mummy and Daddy did and we hope you enjoyed the day.

Happy 1st Birthday little one, we love you so, so much!

Mummy will write again soon.

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy


The lost Birthday - Sarah Hancon

The house is oh so quiet
No balloons nor party hat
No children playing wildly
Or adult chatter-chat
For today there is no party
No cake or gifts around
For you my dear, sweet darling
Are resting underground
It would have been so lovely
To have you here today
To see you laugh and smile
On this your first birthday.

Tuesday, 16 June 2015

3 weeks...

Hello gorgeous!

I cannot believe in three weeks you would be one, one whole year old!! It is strange to think I have been a Mummy for almost a year and yet I don't know what it feels like to wake up to my baby crying. I don't know what your cry even sounded like, or your laugh! I don't know if you would have been a chunky baby or skinny like your Daddy. I don't know what your favourite sandwich would have been or you favorite nursery rhyme. It's sad.

Mummy wonders what your first birthday would have been like if you were here. Would we have had a party here or would we have gone somewhere? Who would have come to celebrate with you? Finn and Sofia? Darcy? Frankie and Georgie? I don't know, I know Marley would have had a great time if we had it here! Mummy wouldn't have time to talk to anyone because I would be running around clearing up her accidents! Daddy and I still haven't decided what to do yet, we will go to your tree in Olney but after that I just don't know, cry most likely! It's true what people say, you never get over the loss of your child!

Mummy isn't as fragile as she once was and slowly my confidence is growing but my heart is still so raw. Plus I am scared, all the time. I'm scared of losing someone else I love, I just couldn't cope. There is a certain clarity that comes with experiencing a sudden loss, everything seems so much clearer. The flowers are brighter, the breeze is more refreshing and the love you have for those around you grows so much stronger. Alongside that though is the total knowledge that nothing is certain, nothing can control our fate. There is no balance of good and bad, just because one bad thing happens does not mean something good will next. That is why it is so important to appreciate all you have, it might not always be what you wanted but almost certainly there is someone out there who would move mountains for it. Any future siblings you might have will know that, they will appreciate that and understand just how lucky they are to have such a loving family. That will be your gift to them.

You taught me so much, more than anyone else in my life.

Mummy is sorry that I don't write as much but that doesn't mean I don't think about you, I do all the time, it has just become part of how I breathe. I breathe you in and breathe out the pain, you are part of my being.

I love you so much darling.

Love eternal,

Mummy and Daddy

Tuesday, 12 May 2015

Daddy ran a marathon

Hello Squidgy,

It's been a long time since I last wrote to you, I'm sorry sweetheart, Mummy has just been trying to move forward.

The pain has dulled, or maybe I am just so used to it that I don't notice it as much? I still miss you as much, I still wish you were here but I guess my heart just holds more now, pain and love. So, we have gone through a few milestones over the last couple of months, Mother's Day, 9 months, 40+1 weeks since you left us which means you have been gone longer than we had you and most recently your 10 month anniversary. In less than 2 months you would have been one, one!!! They were hard, especially Mother's Day, Mummy should have been having morning, afternoon and evening snuggles with you but you weren't there! It doesn't mean I am not your Mummy though and some lovely people, including Daddy remembered which brightened my day a bit.

It's not all boohoo though, we have had some brighter moments and they are getting longer now.... Your Daddy ran a marathon last week, Mummy knows you were with him every step of the way so thank you! He did so well, coming in at just over 5 hours which for his first marathon is amazing! Mummy is very proud of him and he raised almost £2000 for SANDS and Children are Butterflies! Emma and Rhys took part too which really helped Daddy, they all did great! It was also Mummy's birthday and our wedding anniversary last month, we didn't do much on our anniversary but we did go to Harry Potter Studios on my birthday which was fun, although Mummy missed out on opening the doors to the great hall! Oh well, Daddy and I had some fun on broomsticks! I wonder if you would have liked Harry Potter? By the time you saw it you probably would have thought it was a bit lame and dated! There are lots of things Mummy wonders about...

Anyway sweetheart, mummy loves you so, so much. We truly wish you could have stayed but we hope you are happy wherever you are.

Mummy knows that we "talk" everyday but I promise I won't leave it so long in between letters next time.

Love eternal.

Mummy and Daddy

Monday, 30 March 2015

What it is like to live inside my head

Hello Squidgy,

Mummy would do anything to have you back here, we miss you so very much.

Mummy is trying to retrain her brain, to banish all the negative thoughts about pregnancy and having a baby. I have been doing ok, somedays really well but it is exhausting, it is like listening to a song on endless repeat. Mummy looks forward to sleep because then I am safe, I don't think about trying to get pregnant, as soon as I am awake, the same, the same, the same!

When will we fall pregnant?
Am I pregnant now?
What will happen if I am pregnant, how will I relax?
Why is it so easy for others?
I don't deserve a baby.
I don't deserve happiness.
No! I do deserve a baby.
I do deserve happiness.
Am I pregnant now?
Oh, a cramp, like a period pain but I am not due yet, I only ovulated yesterday.
Oh, I am tired, I need a nap.... Good sign, good sign.
Where have the cramps gone?
I'm not pregnant.
I am pregnant.
I feel sick... I did just drink a cup of tea with almond milk... it could be a sign though.
Nah, it's not happened, we haven't had enough pain yet, we still need to be punished more.
Punished for what? You don't deserve this pain. Your daughter SHOULD be alive.
I wonder what so and so is doing with their newborn?
Will that ever be me?
Pregnancy, baby, pregnancy, baby, pregnancy, baby.
The door is locked for us.
No, it's not.
I AM pregnant!
Aren't I?

Mummy knows everyone deserves a baby but why do we have to work so hard? Mummy has tried so many things:

Chinese Herbs
Self help books
Pineapple, Brazil nuts, only hot food and lots of orange food after ovulation.
No refined carbs, spinach, eggs (not runny), only small amounts of dairy, cut right down on sweet things
Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, a million times, sex.

What is the norm? Sex.

Mummy doesn't begrudge doing these things, your little brother or sister is unbelievably worth it but is it wrong for me to just want it to be a little easier? Is it wrong for Mummy to want what other people have? Mummy has all this love to give but no living baby to pour it into, Mummy just wants to look after a baby, love him or her and be the best I can be.

The record must be coming to an end. It is coming to an end, I am going to fall pregnant, this is my month! It certainly fucking should be.

I'm sorry this letter isn't about you, Mummy loves and misses you so, so much. Everyday I wake up to a silent house, that wasn't the plan!

I have opened your door though now, I talk to your future sibling and tell them that it will be their room soon. We will change a few things and keep certain things just for you, we will never forget you.

Daddy says hello and he loves you so very much.

Love eternal.

Mummy and Daddy

Wednesday, 18 March 2015

Mid cycle meltdown

Hello poppet,

Mummy has her scan on Friday to find out if there are any issues inside me. I am so scared, the last time I had a scan my heart broke into a million pieces! Mummy's emotions are all over the place, why does it always happen mid cycle? It makes Mummy think she is out for another month and ultimately another year! Even years don't like Mummy... 2012, 2014... I want a baby in 2015 because what will 2016 bring us? Our last month for that to happen. Ahh what am I saying? It wasn't as if 2013 was that kind and so far 2015 hasn't been either! I guess it doesn't matter.

Trying to do my positive sayings in my head, also meditating and trying hypnosis. I WILL get pregnant very soon, I WILL have a healthy pregnancy, I WILL embrace it and I WILL leave the hospital with a happy, healthy baby, maybe two, or three... Your little siblings who will learn all about their amazing big sister, they will be so proud of you! Mummy and Daddy have picked their names I think. Mummy has been too scared to say them out loud, too scared to dream that it could happen. It CAN happen though, it has done twice before and this time it WILL work out exactly as it should because I AM super fertile, so is Daddy and my body is the perfect place to nurture a growing life. So your siblings will be called Arlo and/or Willow, both of which have your initials in them... LO! Mummy is trying so very, very hard to keep these positive thoughts up because we love you and your siblings so much and we just want to meet our next child now. Future baby, Mummy and Daddy love you so much, just like we do you gorgeous older sister!

Mummy hopes you knew how loved you were when you were inside me and that any fears I might have had or any negative thoughts didn't make you think any differently. We loved you then, we love you now, we love you forever!

Love you baby girl, Mummy and Daddy miss you so much!

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy


Monday, 16 March 2015

36 Weeks

Hello Squidgy,

It has been 36 weeks since you were born, Mummy left work at 36 weeks... How could it be that I left work nine months ago to have you but yet I am here without you?

16 weeks until your first birthday, I wonder what would you be doing now?

Mummy watches films, TV programmes and the news (so, so awful on the news...) and if a child dies, any age 0-however old and I see the parents grieving I think to myself "I just can't imagine how they are feeling..." but I can, I do know how they feel! Mummy's brain is in protection mode a fair bit because to let the reality in all the time would kill me, I truly believe that. Then moments like that happen and I feel sick because somehow or another for that moment I didn't know how they felt, like somewhere along line your memory had been scrubbed from my mind. I hate that I know how it feels but I also hate that I feel so disconnected from my grief at times. It is one of my biggest links to you. Mummy finds it strange but sometimes I miss the unrelenting, earth shattering, desperate pain of the first few months of grief, I was so, so close to you then! Mummy knows it isn't healthy to be that way and I am thankful that the bad days are getting less and less but ultimately I will always miss you. I will always want to re-live your moments, even if that means delving into a sea of pain all over again because you are just so precious!

Why is the world so cruel?

I miss you sweetheart, the world is darker without you. Thank you for being the light of my life.

I will love you from now until the end of time.

Sweet dreams and thank you for my Mother's Day card, it is beautiful and it brought me a lot of happiness.

Love eternal,

Mummy and Daddy


Sunday, 1 March 2015

Please end...

Hello Squidgy,

Mummy misses you so very badly! We had a hard week this week, a hard month in fact! Your great grandma passed away on 9 Feb after being rushed into hospital, your Mummy will miss her so please say hello to her from us. I hope you are having fun together sweetheart. We had an appointment with a consultant on Wednesday, he was horrible and to be honest we would have gotten more sympathy from a traffic warden! Mummy just wonders how much more life has to throw at us, when will we have had enough?!

People tell me you will send us a rainbow, I don't like it because I then wonder why haven't you sent one already?! Mummy knows you would send one if you could but sadly it doesn't work like that does it? Just like life doesn't work based on scales of good and bad, you can be an utter shit and still get all your heart desires! Mummy is just feeling low today and the all too usual feeling of disappointment is creeping in... Another month, another cycle, another hammer to my heart. When will this end???? Please end, please end, PLEASE END!!!

Why do bad things keep happening to us? Why can't we catch a break? Why, why, why???? Mummy. Needs. Hope! Imagine it, a sibling maybe even two... Twins even! The thought just makes Mummy's heart want to burst out of her body, it would just be the most amazing thing ever, a bright shinning light in all this darkness. Your siblings would have the best life we could ever offer them and man o man they would have the most incredible big sister! Please tell me we deserve that, please tell me one day our dream will come true?!

Sorry sweetheart, I seem to only write when I feel in depths of despair! Mummy does smile, I promise you that. Daddy does too! Mummy had a nice day yesterday, I saw Jess for lunch which was lovely, Mummy even sat and faced a couple with a newborn without flinching, Mummy is getting stronger! Then your Daddy and I went to see "Ex-Machina" and then went to ASK for some food, it was really nice but coming home to an empty house is difficult.

Mummy also saw your fauntie Tilly and little cousins Finn and Sofia on Tuesday. Finn is turning into a right cheeky monkey, he makes Mummy laugh! Sofia is getting bigger and she is sitting up  and smiling and laughing now. Mummy held her for ages and it didn't make me sad, I guess it is because I know she isn't you! Mummy just wishes you were there too... You would be so big now, almost 8 months old!

It's your Daddy's birthday next week, I think it will be tough but Mummy will try to make him smile! The following week is Mother's Day, my first! I wonder if anyone will remember I am still a Mummy? It's just another day to dread! Whilst it is a nice thought for all those "normal" Mummies out there it is like losing on a game show for us... "Look what you could have won!" Maybe one day it won't be so sad for me?! I don't know, so much can go wrong!

Mummy spoke to your Auntie Hedge the other day, she was drunk... She's a funny! We had a nice chat though, Mummy loves her very, very much!

Right gorgeous girl, I am going to have a nice soak in the bath, maybe that will make me feel a little lighter?!

We love you!

We miss you!

I kiss your picture three times before I go to sleep, one for me, one for Daddy and one for Marley. Then I whisper " Love you, miss you, wish you were here!" That will always be true! I just cannot believe you are gone!

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy


Friday, 6 February 2015

I can't keep keeping on....

Hello Gorgeous

Mummy misses you so very badly, it just isn't fair. This truck that keeps hitting us is getting too much to bear, they must have added an extra load recently. I've had enough now, Daddy has had enough now. We damn well deserve some sodding happiness! It's about bloody time that we got some and I mean in the baby department because honestly, I do not care about the other stuff. The other stuff is exactly that, just stuff!

We do have lots to be thankful for and we are, I promise you that, but save the people in our lives I would trade it all for you. I would trade my life for yours... but then you would have no Mummy and that would make you and Daddy sad. Basically there is no win situation for us, you will always be somewhere we are not.

Mummy just doesn't see an end to any of this, she does see another baby in our future. We are doing things to so say help us conceive but so far nothing is working. I don't hold out much hope that anything will. You know when you have a feeling, like when you answer the phone (no number shown) you know who it is. Or when you just have a funny feeling something will happen, like you know you will bump into someone when you are out. It is that feeling I have all the time. Mummy just feels like it isn't going to happen, that we are going to be the couple who never had a living child. Some people who do not know us will think we are weird... "It isn't easy for everyone, not everyone can have children!" Mummy will shout in her head!

That is why Mummy finds it so hard to deal with when parenting is cast in such a negative light! SMA adverts are mainly all doom and gloom, the only happy parts seem to be when the mother is "free" of her children! I'm "free" of my children every single day and it is hell, I'd much rather have a buggy I cannot fold, constant dirty nappies or food thrown on my face than this! I do not doubt it is hard work or frustrating at times but what about the cuddles? What about the giggling and the amazement when they take their first steps? My advert would consist of an empty nursery, an unopened packet of nappies, flowers on a grave and a box of tampons! Mummy just wants our advert to change. We will always have your grave, we will always have the hole you have left behind but we could have good times too?! That packet of nappies could be opened along with the nursery door?! That box of tampons could stay unopened for 9/10 months, couldn't they?! I doubt it but man o man I wish it!

I just hate living in this loop, it is exhausting and requires more strength than I have left!

We wish you were here.

Love eternal,

Mummy and Daddy


Friday, 30 January 2015

The tortoise and the hare

To my dearest Ophelia,

Life has started to move on, we are in a different year to the year we had you. We are different people than the people who made you, different beliefs, different outlooks, different life. Sometimes the world is on a treadmill, how has it been almost seven months already? At the exact same time the world slows right down and seconds are our hours. I am living my own version of the tortoise and the hare except both co-exist within in me. I am not either but I am not neither. Your snowdrops are coming through, a season since we planted them and yet a seed is yet to be planted elsewhere. Time drags. Month to month to month.

Mummy can't remember like she used to, names, dates, places. It feels so fuzzy at times. I flit between light and dark like a candle blows with the breeze. I can't keep track. Sometimes I feel this overwhelming sensation of peacefulness, I feel like things are starting, like our wait is coming to an end. Seconds later I slip (maybe I'm pulled, I'm not sure) into heaviness. Nothing seems possible there, only re-runs, like an eternal showing of "Only Fools and Horses". It's not funny though. We know all the words and we have seen the ending a million times before, only no matter how hard we try there isn't a way to change the channel. It is like every breathe I take counteracts the last, good, bad, good, bad, good, bad... It is exhausting.

Mummy wonders if she has any control. I thought I could trust myself with you but my body betrayed me. It does that a lot. Symptoms here, there and everywhere, taunting me, letting me down. I can't remember what it was like before you, did I feel you before the two blues? I can't remember, not exactly, I need it to be exact, then I will know if it is ok not to feel it. I know I felt things before our first but when? When did I feel it? It needs to be exact, then I will know if it ok not to feel it yet. Mummy sound like she should be dressed in white with a check dressing gown, frizzy hair (I have that) and slippers. It gets inside your head. Symptom checking, charting, hoping, hoping, hoping...
No answers.

Mummy wants quiet, calm to run through my body and release me from prison. Mummy want to feel like the sun lights my way, like it has chosen me to shine upon. Like I have finally been picked to play ball. Mummy knows she will do a good job. I do a good job with you don't I? I wish I had more of a chance to show you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

Love eternal,

Mummy & Daddy

Tuesday, 20 January 2015

What's been happening

Hello gorgeous,

How are you sweetheart? Mummy and Daddy miss you, very, very much!

Mummy was just thinking we haven't really told you what has been happening! I know you keep an eye on us and probably think Mummy and Daddy are very silly at times but I thought I would fill you in.

So... As you know Christmas was pretty tough but your Nanna and Grandad Angelinetta bought you some ballons which made Mummy smile because I had wanted to get you some on Christmas Eve but with everything else going on the shops had closed by the time I thought about it. We all had a couple of ballons, all pink except for one purple one with flowers on which Mummy wrote a little note on for you, I hope you got it?! It was sad that that was one of the only things we had for you but the sky was blue and the balloons looked so pretty when they were drifting up into the clouds to you. Mummy and Daddy hope you and all your friends liked them.

Did you see Daddy dressing up as Father Christmas on Christmas Day for the residents at the home? Mummy was so proud of him because it took so much energy to put on the show when he is so broken inside. The residents loved it though and I am sure he made their day! He is a wonderful man, your Daddy! You know that though don't you Ophelia?!

Christmas was over pretty quickly which we were glad about, the build up was so difficult because we know we must have looked like right Mandy bums not wanting to celebrate! Mummy and Daddy just felt like the odd ones out, so many of our friends had cause for celebration, we just wished we had been celebrating too! We were meant to be. New Year was tough too, the anniversary of your 12 week scan and the last day of the last year you existed on earth. When people ask about you now Mummy and Daddy have to say you died last year. People then think it is a year since we lost you, not just six short months. Mummy and Daddy got through it though and we are proud of ourselves for trying to enjoy parts of it. We hope you are proud of us too.

Since then Daddy and I have been busy, we even booked a holiday to Santorini. It will be so nice to get some sun and watch the sunsets. Mummy loves seeing the pink in the sky, it reminds me of you. Mummy has also started acupunture, I am going once a week until further notice I think. It is a bit pricey but Mummy likes it and hopefully it will all be worth it if and when we bring your little brother or sister home. Mummy has also been doing a project on Instagram for the past 55 days. It is called 100 happy days and each day I put a picture on of the thing that has made me happy that day. Some days it is so very hard but I have done one every single day so I am very proud of that too. Did you also see that I met Sofia? I held her and everything! It is HUGE load off my mind to have done it and now I can pop round to see Till a bit more often! Mummy knows it will still be hard but the first hurdle is always the hardest!

Mummy and Daddy are off to the theatre in London this weekend and hopefully meeting one of your friend's Mummy and Daddy which will be amazing if they still can! Grief doesn't have a calendar though so it all depends on how we all feel. Mummy will let you know how it all goes sweetie.

Mummy is going to try and gets a photo collage together for you so you have some more to pin to your cloud, I will try and add them the next time I write. Please say hello to Mummy's friends from the home who moved there recently, I didn't get to say goodbye and I want them to know that they made me smile and I miss them! Give Chloe's Nanna's a kiss too!

Anyway squidgy, I had better do the washing up (booooo hissssssss). I will write again very soon.

I wish I could see you again.

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy

Friday, 9 January 2015

185 days

Hello baby girl,

That is how long it has been since you were born, 185 days, to me it feels like forever and yesterday all at the same time. You would be eating solids by now, cheese sandwiches and random baby biscuits! We don't have a high chair to put you in whilst you throw all the food on the floor for Marley to munch, Mummy hopes you have one where you are.

Mummy cuddles Marley like she were you, I love Marley so much but sometimes I wish it were you! Mummy doesn't want Marley to not be here of course, I was just so looking forward to having you both. I miss how soft your skin is and the feel of you in my arms! Learning to live with this, knowing there is nothing that will stop this ache, only soften it, is impossible to get my head around at times. Mummy feels like a second class citizen sometimes, working my fingers to the bone for a shot at being an earth Mummy. Why do I feel like I don't deserve it? Why do I feel like I should give up because the reality is it just will not happen? I've felt it about stuff before but it was nothing in comparison to this, everyone dies but why can't everyone bring life into the world?! Seems odd to me! Unbalanced!

Anyway sweetheart, it's late, Mummy just wanted to say hello and I love you, I'm sorry if I burden you with all my pain!

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy