Sunday, 1 March 2015

Please end...

Hello Squidgy,

Mummy misses you so very badly! We had a hard week this week, a hard month in fact! Your great grandma passed away on 9 Feb after being rushed into hospital, your Mummy will miss her so please say hello to her from us. I hope you are having fun together sweetheart. We had an appointment with a consultant on Wednesday, he was horrible and to be honest we would have gotten more sympathy from a traffic warden! Mummy just wonders how much more life has to throw at us, when will we have had enough?!

People tell me you will send us a rainbow, I don't like it because I then wonder why haven't you sent one already?! Mummy knows you would send one if you could but sadly it doesn't work like that does it? Just like life doesn't work based on scales of good and bad, you can be an utter shit and still get all your heart desires! Mummy is just feeling low today and the all too usual feeling of disappointment is creeping in... Another month, another cycle, another hammer to my heart. When will this end???? Please end, please end, PLEASE END!!!

Why do bad things keep happening to us? Why can't we catch a break? Why, why, why???? Mummy. Needs. Hope! Imagine it, a sibling maybe even two... Twins even! The thought just makes Mummy's heart want to burst out of her body, it would just be the most amazing thing ever, a bright shinning light in all this darkness. Your siblings would have the best life we could ever offer them and man o man they would have the most incredible big sister! Please tell me we deserve that, please tell me one day our dream will come true?!

Sorry sweetheart, I seem to only write when I feel in depths of despair! Mummy does smile, I promise you that. Daddy does too! Mummy had a nice day yesterday, I saw Jess for lunch which was lovely, Mummy even sat and faced a couple with a newborn without flinching, Mummy is getting stronger! Then your Daddy and I went to see "Ex-Machina" and then went to ASK for some food, it was really nice but coming home to an empty house is difficult.

Mummy also saw your fauntie Tilly and little cousins Finn and Sofia on Tuesday. Finn is turning into a right cheeky monkey, he makes Mummy laugh! Sofia is getting bigger and she is sitting up  and smiling and laughing now. Mummy held her for ages and it didn't make me sad, I guess it is because I know she isn't you! Mummy just wishes you were there too... You would be so big now, almost 8 months old!

It's your Daddy's birthday next week, I think it will be tough but Mummy will try to make him smile! The following week is Mother's Day, my first! I wonder if anyone will remember I am still a Mummy? It's just another day to dread! Whilst it is a nice thought for all those "normal" Mummies out there it is like losing on a game show for us... "Look what you could have won!" Maybe one day it won't be so sad for me?! I don't know, so much can go wrong!

Mummy spoke to your Auntie Hedge the other day, she was drunk... She's a funny! We had a nice chat though, Mummy loves her very, very much!

Right gorgeous girl, I am going to have a nice soak in the bath, maybe that will make me feel a little lighter?!

We love you!

We miss you!

I kiss your picture three times before I go to sleep, one for me, one for Daddy and one for Marley. Then I whisper " Love you, miss you, wish you were here!" That will always be true! I just cannot believe you are gone!

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy


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