Thursday, 25 September 2014

We are lucky to have you...

Hello Beautiful,

Mummy and Daddy miss you poppet, did you know your Daddy writes your name on the mirror every time he has a shower? Mummy loves that, you are always with us sweetie.

Your Mummy had to write a very hard letter today, she was so worried about having to give it to its recipient but suffice it to say Mummy had nothing to worry about, we truly do have some very special people in our lives and Daddy and I are so grateful.

I forgot to tell you the other night about my hair... It is lilac and I love it, it is probably the first time I have loved my hair for a very long time! Do you like it little one, do you think it suits your Mummy?

I don't have much else to say but I did write you another little poem:

Untitled - Sarah Hancon

Your eyes they never opened
The air you did not breathe
But left a footprint on my heart,
That will never leave.

The pain it is impossible,

The fear is even worse,
Sometimes I feel somebody
Has left some kind of curse.

We travel on this journey now

With grief right by our side
I only hope that some day soon
There will be a change of tide.

Love you so, so much!

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy


Sunday, 21 September 2014

Can't Sleep

Can't sleep...
Hello Baby Girl,

So, it's midnight and Mummy cannot sleep so I thought I would write to you and tell you what is happening here in Weston Favell...

The days are tumbling by, it's getting colder and it is less than 100 days until Christmas, how is that possible? Christmas... The day we announced to family we were pregnant, that you were on your way, what will Christmas be without you?! Mummy has always loved it, she always goes overboard and spends far too much, that won't happen this year, I'm not even sure if we will celebrate it at all. I think Mummy and Daddy might try and go away so we can be alone! New Year will be rough too, after the year we had last year we thought 2014 was going to be our year. Nope, it's the worst one yet! I would like to tell you that I feel some sort of positivity about it, I do, sometimes but quite often it dissipates. I guess we will just have to keep doing what we are doing, keep moving forward. A positive, no matter how fleeting it may be is still a positive and we do have so much to be thankful for.

This week has been TOUGH! Mummy has found herself revisiting all texts, emails, cards and letters we received after you died. I do it because I almost want that pain, that sadness to envelop me all over again, after it was in all those raw emotions that we held you and sadly it all seems so long ago! I will never truly forget how that felt, both nights that we had you I kept hold of your little hand, I was terrified that if I let go you would vanish. Ultimately, you did and now Mummy struggles to remember what you felt like. I know you had velvet soft skin and I know that you were a temperature you shouldn't have been but how heavy did you feel in my arms? You were 8lbs 4ozs but what does that feel like? Mummy can't remember and I feel like I have let you down, I am so sorry.

Mummy dreamt about you the other day, it was the first time and they were so sad. Mummy dreamt that you were here, that I was holding you. We were in a restaurant I think and Mummy spotted someone she knew sat on a large, brown leather armchair, it was like something out of Jackanory. We walked over to say hello and just as he asked me how you were you morphed into a large photo book, the weight of which was crippling and forced me to the floor. Tears started pouring from my eyes and when I looked again the book had disappeared and Marley had taken its place in my arms. Later Mummy dreamt that her and Daddy were in a swimming pool, a tiny baby had been found dead at the bottom of the pool and people were discussing what they should do with it. Mummy swam over and took the baby in her arms, as soon as I did the baby grew and opened her eyes. It was you, you had come back to life. I screamed for Daddy to come and see, that is when I woke up, crying because my eyes knew what my brain did not... You hadn't come back to life!

Someday there will be happiness in these letters, I promise you that Ophelia.

"I love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be."

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy


Wednesday, 17 September 2014

The sky is falling

Hello Beautiful,

How are you? Tell me, what do you do for fun up there in the clouds? They look so comfy, I bet you just jump around all day, safe in the knowledge that if you fall, something soft will catch you. I like to think of you as doing that, of having fun, being carefree and enjoying the time you have up there until we meet again.

So tomorrow is the day we were meant to be going away, we would have been getting on the Eurotunnel (a first for Mummy, well a first for Mummy, you and Marley...)  tomorrow morning at 9:30am and travelling down to Spain over the next two days. I wonder, would we have been thinking we had swallowed more than we could chew by driving down with a two month old and Marley?! We will never know, all Mummy does know is that we would have had fun! I was so looking forward to getting in the pool with you, Mummy and Daddy had bought you some cool flowery glasses and some cute swimming costumes, you would have looked adorable. Those glasses and swimming costumes will always be yours, no matter what, Mummy and Daddy couldn't bear to part with them or use them for your little sister, should we be lucky enough to blessed with one. They are yours and yours alone.

The nights are beginning to set in, "the sky is falling!" as Chicken Little had once said. Leaves are beginning to cover the ground and conkers are being played by children in the playground, how strange is it that your Mummy finds this so painful. It is another cruel reminder that this isn't a dream, that the summer we thought we were going to have is really gone and October is almost here. I'm still not sure if I am ready...

Mummy finds the outside world scary at times, with Daddy I am safe, with other people who have suffered a similar loss I am safe, but out there, I am alone!  Out there Mummy & Daddy have to navigate through so many reminders that you are not here, unless I wear a sign that says "I'm a Mummy to a dead baby" nobody knows! Just today Mummy had to run and hide in a toilet as someone started to talk about their friend's scan, the last scan I had will haunt me and Daddy forever. Our dream just didn't work out the way we had hoped, it is hard to hear the excitement and innocence of others.

Anyway sweetie, things are getting a tiny bit easier, I still cry every day but not as many times so our lives aren't all about the sadness we feel. Every time I see your little Squidgy face I smile, you are the light through all this darkness. I will look forward to the massive kiss and endless cuddles we will have when we meet again in heaven for the rest of my life.

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy


Saturday, 13 September 2014

What would have been...

Hello O,

How are things up in the clouds, are you getting enough cuddles? I bet you are!

The past couple of days have been easier than most, Mummy and Daddy have been busy. Today we went to Sheffield to the Tropical Butterfly House to get our hands on some bugs and reptiles as part of our challenges, it was fun! Did you see your Mummy and Daddy? Both of us were scared of the crawlers and creepers but we did so well, we held them all!! I hope you are proud of us, here is the video for you to watch it sweetie!

So, it's that time of year again, X Factor is back... Mummy has no idea why I watch it, the judges and their utter lack of humility irritates me but it's addictive. Anyway, a girl came on tonight, she was sixteen, pretty, blonde and dressed in a cute little lace baseball dress, I instantly thought of you. It is strange, she reminded me of you, impossible really, but I imagined you to be a lot like her at sixteen. She had this air of kindness about her, she seemed polite, humble and serene with a hint of sass, my minds image of you! You would have been able to walk into a room and light it up, I don't know how I know that, I just do! You would have been so beautiful at that age (at any age) and you would have had great style, not too old, not too sexy, just cool, effortless like her! I never thought for one second we wouldn't get to see you that age, at any age, moments like that bring me right back to that moment... "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat!"

Mummy still just doesn't get it, why you, why us???? Too many times there are parents that torture their children, even kill them! Those children deserved parents like us and their parents didn't deserve children at all, where is the justice? I feel so sad for them, for you, for us!

It has been a hectic day for Mummy and Daddy so we are going to get ourselves up to Bedfordshire!

We love and miss you with ever cell.

Love eternal.

Mummy and Daddy


Monday, 8 September 2014

Holiday and a rant...

Hello Squidgy,

Mummy is sorry I didn't write much whilst we were away, we were busy trying to make the most of our trip as we didn't want you to see us sad all the time.

So Barbados... It was better than I had expected it was going to be. The hotel had an amazing outdoor space, it backed right out on to the beach, had a lovely little pool and three whirlpools. Mummy and Daddy played a lot in the pool and on the beach, we wrote your name in the sand again, did you see it? The bedroom was pretty basic but it did the trick and the staff were lovely, I think I would go back there. We arrived last Saturday around 4pm and were in bed by 6pm... Mummy and Daddy are such party animals! We felt great the next day though, totally refreshed and ready for the day. We spoke to the hotel and arranged a few activities for the week, our first being jet skiing that afternoon, it was so much fun we did it twice. Your Mummy was the better driver, Daddy managed to throw us off because he got a bit too speed happy, it was funny though.

On Monday, Mummy and Daddy went surfing and guess what, Mummy managed to stand up! Last year when Mummy and J9 went surfing in Bude Mummy just couldn't do it so I am very proud that I managed it this time, our instructor was great though unlike the instructors in Bude! Daddy was a pro straight away, of course. Your Daddy is good at stuff like that. I think you would have followed after him, you would have been fearless and in no time at all you would have been showing him how it's done. If only...

You were there with us though, I am sure of it because before we got to surfers point we had seen the most incredible sight, hundreds of white butterflies flying around the trees. That was you and your friends wasn't it? Did you have a nice time? I hope so. Thank you for coming to say hello.

So Tuesday came around, Mummy was going to do a scuba dive as part of the challenges for "Face your Fears." Mummy had been psyching herself up all day and even though I was scared I had actually started to look forward to it. However, when we arrived and started to fill out the questionnaire, there was a question "Are you or could you be pregnant?" There was a chance, a tiny weenie one and I just couldn't risk it, I am so sorry sweetie, I hope you understand. It was not to be though, unfortunately your Mummy and Daddy will just have to wait and keep trying, praying for a miracle to happen, Mummy is loosing hope though! They saying nothing easy is worth having but this time, I think we deserve it to be easy, the getting pregnant part that is. We know we would have an extremely hard road ahead of us if we were to get pregnant again and I want that struggle, that struggle I would welcome with open arms because through all the worry there would be hope. Hope that the baby would survive, hope that we would have two children, one who lives in our hearts and one who lives in our home. We are desperate for it.

As Mummy couldn't do the scuba dive, we did the next best thing... snorkelling with the turtles. Mummy was very scared to start off with, some of the turtles were HUGE and they swam right up to us, Mummy screamed a few times! After a while though Mummy found some confidence and by the end I was diving into the water to follow them and actually touched one, twice! Even though I didn't do the proper dive I hope you were proud of me, I still faced a fear. I was out of my depth with fish and turtles all around me and no idea what could have been swimming underneath me but I did it and I enjoyed it. I have you to thank for that, you are the driving force in everything I do now, everything I do, I do to make you proud. Mummy and Daddy love and miss you so much.

On Thursday we rented a moke and set off on an adventure around the island in search of the "Animal Flower Caves". Daddy drove, he loved it. He got us a bit lost but, in getting lost we found the most incredible vista of the northern part of Barbados, it really is a beautiful island. We also found a man who forced Mummy to have a coconut, told me to drink some of the milk and then he topped it up with rum... I hate coconut milk and I don't like normal rum (if it were spiced...). Oh well, when in Rome I guess, I drank what I could and then we made our way to the caves. They were amazing, breath taking in fact and to top off the unbelievable view and surroundings there was a pool that we could swim in. Mummy almost got taken out by a massive wave, Daddy thought it was hilarious, did you too? I bet you did!

Mummy and Daddy didn't do much at night, partying just didn't seem right, sometimes neither did dinner but we treated ourselves to a lovely meal on the last night. We had booked a table at "Café Luna", a rooftop restaurant right on the seafront. Mummy and Daddy wonderful evening made better by the fact your song came on just as we got our food. If you had of been there it would have been perfect.

It was time for us to come home though and both Mummy and Daddy were pleased to be doing just that, we had missed being around all your things. We arrived back early yesterday morning, we had a hard day as it marked two months since your death and birth, two months since all our dreams were completely shattered. I see and hear people all the time complaining about their children, it makes my blood boil, how can they not see how lucky they are?

You were taken from us without us having the chance to be parents, something we wanted more than anything else in this world. We couldn't wait to experience it all and yet all I seem to see is parents shouting at their kids for having their shoes on the wrong feet, mothers moaning about dirty nappies and fathers looking bored out of their minds in the park.

Do I know how hard it is to be a parent? No.

Do I know what is feels like to be drained of all energy with no let up? No.

Do I know what is feels like to have your child throw up on the clean clothes you have just had to change into because they had pee'd on the last set? No.

But, here is what I do know...

I know how it feels to give birth to a baby who is already dead.

I know how it feels to be told that the future you had been looking forward to is gone.

I know how it feels to wake up every single morning and have the wind taken out of me because I remember that I will never see you, my beautiful little Ophelia, ever again.

I know what it feels like to have a dead child that never met me.

I never saw your eyes, I never heard you cry, I never felt your warmth against my chest and I will never know what you could have been.

To the people who don't appreciate how lucky they are, read this, look at the child you have just moaned about and consider, what would you do without them?

Of course, I get it, everyone has the right to moan, like I am now. However, all I would ask is for people to ask themselves is it really that bad, would the alternative be better or worse?

Maybe if I knew that I could get pregnant at the drop of a hat I would feel slightly less vexed. Maybe if I knew that any subsequent pregnancies I may have (I hope to god every day that I do, also, you might have noticed I always have to say hopefully whenever I mention another pregnancy for fear of tempting fate...) would be the sort of pregnancy most women experience, I would be a little more sympathetic. Sadly though, I am not one of those women, I have to fight every single step of the way to get the same thing that comes so easily to others and the same thing that so many people take for granted. Trust me the alternative is hell!
I would do anything to be in their shoes and they would do anything not to be in mine!

To create life is remarkable and it is something to be cherished.

Mummy and Daddy will cherish you forever, you are our everything.

Mummy is sorry for having a whinge, I do understand that parenting must be difficult at times, I just wish I was experiencing those difficulties rather than the pain of our loss.

We miss you so much!

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy


PS. We hope you like the present we brought you back from Barbados, a pretty flower just like you! Sorry it is not a toy or a rattle, we aren't allowed to leave things like that for you.

Tuesday, 2 September 2014

You are my Sunshine

Hello Beautiful,

How I wish I was actually talking to you, your Daddy and I had waited so long to do just that and it is so hard that we never really got a chance.

As you know we are in Barbados at the moment, it is very hot and both Mummy and Daddy are sunburnt, oooooopppps! I have so much to tell you when we get back but for now I wanted to sing you a song.

You are my Sunshine

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
The other night dear, as I lay sleepin'
I dreamed, I held you in my arms
When I awoke dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head and I cry
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
We miss you so so much Ophelia but we hope you are proud of us, we are trying so hard to make the most of this holiday and not let opportunities pass us by.
Love you, love you, love you!
Love eternal
Mummy and Daddy