Sunday, 13 July 2014

"Ophelia, its dinner time..."

Hello Beautiful,

Today was a hard day, it has been one week since Mummy last felt you move, since she last saw her tummy stir like the Lockness Monster was inside (Mummy isn't calling you a monster by the way, you are far from it my love). Nothing could have prepared me for the first time I felt you wriggle around inside of me, it was so beautiful and when you started to really kick, well that was simply exquisite. I wish you had come that day!

The morning was a blur, Daddy spent most of it in bed, snuggled up to your blanket and staring into nothingness. Mummy sat and wrote your letters but everything was numb. Your Auntie Claire had sent me this poem earlier in the week:

Grief is like the ocean,
it comes in waves,
ebbing and flowing.
Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we
can do is learn to swim.

Today I felt like I was drowning!

Lots of people have sent us poems, I love them and I hate them. They give me peace for a few minutes because you are an angel up in heaven, you were too beautiful but why can't we have a beautiful angel here on earth? You would have been extraordinary!

Daddy tried to book us somewhere to go away to tonight, we wanted to take you and Marley somewhere different, somewhere we could go walking, feel the breeze on our faces and be totally anonymous. Bless him, he looked and looked but everywhere was fully booked. Hopefully we can go somewhere next weekend, where would you like to go? We could take you to the seaside if you like and Mummy and Daddy could dip your toes in the water. Does that sound ok? I think it sounds perfect!

We needed to get out of the house though, it had become our cave and we were starting to forget what the outside world looked like. Daddy found a nice place towards Kettering on the internet called Fermyn Woods, so we got in the car. It took a while to get there but we didn't mind, we were glad of the distraction. Marley was her normal excitable self, running off in front, sniffing everything and everyone, wanting to get as much attention as possible. She kept wanting to go off road and venture into the woods, were you in there, was it you she was looking for?

We showed you the playground, there was a big castle at the back with a slide and a bridge, we joked that you would have been the Queen of that castle. I wonder who you would have taken after, would you have been fearless like your Daddy and wanted to go on everything or would you have been like Mummy and stuck to the sandpit? I hope you would have taken after Daddy!

We didn't stay long, there were so many families, parents looking bored or shouting at their kids, some people just don't know how lucky they are. I wanted to scream. There are so many things we will miss out on, you, Daddy and I. We will never get to push you on a swing, we will never get to take a picture of you with ice-cream in your hair, we will never even have the privilege of calling you in for dinner... "Ophelia, it's dinner time!" I will miss that, more than anyone will ever know.

On the drive back Daddy and I spoke about our future, we have spent so much time doing nothing in the past, just sitting idle watching the world pass by. We have made a pact to get out more, to go places and see things because we want you to see as much of the world as you can. It wasn't much, but we decided to go out for dinner, which, considering the circumstances, was a big step for us both. We went to Frank's Hamburger House, Daddy had a burger with blue cheese and bacon and Mummy had a falafel burger, neither of us finished our food. We sat outside on the patio, it was quiet, for a while at least. A group came and sat down on the table next to us, it was someone's birthday, they were laughing and joking, did they not know we were grieving? Why hasn't the world stopped to honour your passing like we have? Mummy cried. We came home. Maybe it was too soon but we know we have to try. We have to try for you, we NEVER want you to feel responsible for Mummy and Daddy's sorrow.

When we got home, we poured the remainder of the wine Heather had bought for us, snuggled up together and watched a film. It had Tom Cruise (slimeball) and Cameron Diaz in it, it made us laugh a few times, Mummy fell asleep on Daddy's shoulder, it was nice. I love the new closeness we share, thank you sweetheart for giving us that.

Tomorrow is edging closer and we know it is probably going to be another tough one...

We love you gorgeous girl, we will make sure to kiss you three times each before bed.

Sleep well and we will speak to you tomorrow.

Love you always

Mummy and Daddy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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