Saturday, 19 July 2014

I hate this...

Hi there Squidge Face,

SHIT, this is hard! Mummy is sorry for swearing but it is! I just need to talk to people who understand, who know how it feels to loose a life before it had even begun. That is why I started this blog, to reach out, to find someone like us. Mummy can only give the lightest version of her pain to her friends and family, they are amazing but none of them understand, they tell me "She is with the angel's now" or "She will always be with you in your heart". I don't want you to be in either of those places, I want you here with me, in my arms, crying, screaming, pooing, I don't care. I just want to wake up from this nightmare, it is excruciating.

I feel myself slipping further and further back, censoring myself so people think I am doing ok. I'm not, Mummy is finding it hard to cope. I cry, all the time, I cry when I look at photos of you, I cry when I wake up, I cry when I go to the loo and I am cruelly reminded of the fact that I am not doing what I should be doing right now... Mothering you. I wish it would all just stop! Maybe Mummy should book an appointment at the doctors, get hold of some Prozac or Zanex to numb this pain. I am not strong enough for this. The thought that this grief is going to dominate my life for a long time to come makes me physically sick. Mummy is trying so hard to be strong for you sweetheart but I keep re-living your death every day, remembering that I will never see your little face again, that I will never see you grow, that I will never get to see you in your wedding dress. HELP ME, I AM DROWNING!

Daddy, Marley and I went to the beach again today, we wrote your name in the sand and looked out to sea. Daddy was upset and poor little Marley was getting a battering from the elements so we took a few photos and went back to the car to find somewhere to go for a coffee. We took a walk along Hunstanton beach and found a bench, Daddy and I sat there for a while, all we keep asking each other is WHY? Why us? Everyone else around us seem to be able to come home with healthy babies, why couldn't we? 100% of my pregnancies have ended in loosing a child, that doesn't fill me with hope for next time, if there is one.

Mummy has been researching when she and Daddy can start trying again, it is a minefield. Some places say whenever you feel ready, other say wait 3 months, some say 12 or 18 months. Both Daddy and I know we want conceive again as soon as possible, we aren't getting any younger and I think if we left it, we would find it very hard to start again. I just need some reassurance that we are at no more risk that any other couple to create that much yearned for living child. Caroline is coming on Tuesday so maybe I will talk to her then and she can help put my mind at rest a bit.

Mummy and Daddy left Hunstanton after we had finished our drinks, it looked like it was about to thrown down! We didn't talk much on the way home, it was fine though, we were both on the same page, our thoughts were solely on you. I keep thinking of your little arms, if you didn't have a hold of them they would just flop down by your side, nothing says dead like a lifeless arm. God, how I long for you to be alive, you would have had such an amazing life Ophelia, Mummy and Daddy would have made sure of it. Daddy certainly would have let any boys hurt you... he would have had "the chat" with them the second he met them! You are and will always be Daddy's little Princess.

When we got home we had had a few deliveries, some lovely gifts for us to remember you. The gifts are so very thoughtful but getting the number we got today, along with more sympathy cards was tough. These gifts shouldn't be in remembrance, you were an innocent baby, our innocent baby that we had waited so long for. Mummy was sick! Ophelia, please help Mummy, she needs to have a purpose, something to concentrate on other than the hurt. Going back to work isn't an option at the moment, I am not sure when I will be ready to do that. Everyone saw Mummy with your bump, they shared in my excitement and they couldn't wait to meet you. Everything will be different when I go back, I will be the lady that lost a baby, I will be pitied!

Mummy's mind seems to go at 100 miles an hour now, I find it hard to concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes and I am so forgetful, I think of something that needs to be done or something I want to write to you and seconds later I have forgotten. I am a goldfish. I promise you, Mummy is normally pretty organised. Mummy also used to brag that she had great comedy timing and should be a comedian. I know it is hard to imagine now but Mummy and Daddy used to laugh all the time, I hope we can find our way back to that.

I'm sorry for this letter sweetheart, it was as hard for me to write as it is for you to read. I promise the letters will not always be like this, some day, hopefully not too far away Mummy will be able to tell you about all the fun things we are doing, hopefully she will be able to tell you that you will soon have a little brother or sister. I hope. I hope. Hope is all I have.

I love you so much it hurts.

Mummy and Daddy


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