Monday, 28 July 2014

Your Nursery

Hello Beautiful,

The past couple of days have been, surprisingly, hard! It's not surprising really, it is just Mummy and Daddy's life now! Mummy has been struggling as her brain has been playing a new trick in which I feel like NONE of it ever happened, like the pregnancy was just a big lie, like all the hopes we had for our future with you were just make-believe! Then, of course, I see your picture and I feel completely shattered for feeling like that! It makes me feel like I am forgetting you, which I know is completely impossible, but the guilt overwhelms me! Please know, my angel, that I could never forget you, I just think it is a coping mechanism so that I can actually function for a bit.

Mummy and Daddy came to see you today, Daddy read you the "Frog Prince", did you like it? You Fauntie Chloe and Funkle Nic Nic came to see you too, they brought you two pink roses and put them on your grave, it is looking very pretty! We saw lots of Butterflies flitting around too, we always smile and think of you, we know you are with us when we see one! Daddy and I talked about what we will do with your plot once it has settled, we might get a bench so we can sit with you for longer, Mummy hates leaving you there! I know I say it a lot but I would do anything to be able to have you here, at home, with us!

During the time you were in Mummy's belly, Mummy and Daddy spent a lot of time getting your nursery ready, it looked so delightful when it was finished! Mummy and Daddy loved going in there, we would imagine you sleeping in your cot, or playing with your toys, it made us so excited! That door is permanently closed and we live in a two bedroom house now! Our future was behind that door, now it just reminds us of how naive we were and how far we are from our dream coming true! Pregnancy, if it finds us, will never be like it is for most expectant parents, it will be full of worry, full of questions, full of fear, the joy of making a life has been snatched from us forever! Mummy worries that the mother I would have been to you has also died, would I worry about every little thing if we were to be blessed with our rainbow? Would I smother them? Would I end up pushing them away because I would want to hold them forever? Your loss will effect us in so many ways Ophelia, we are still hopeful though and so very thankful we were able to have you, even if it was fleeting!

As you know, Mummy has found it hard to talk about her feelings, she doesn't want to burden anyone or go on but she has found a few people who have been through babyloss and it is really helping to hear how they have coped! It helps to make sense of my feelings! I hope one day Mummy and Daddy will find our own way of coping and whilst you will always be part of us, part of our family, we will find a way to truly enjoy life again, we know you want that for us.

I wish I could express how much we love and miss you, maybe if you knew that you would be able to come back?! I am not sure I can face the rest of my life without you!

I wish it was different.

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy


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