Tuesday, 15 July 2014

I'm Scared

Hello Angel,

How do I start to tell you about today, about the day your Mummy and Daddy registered your birth and death at the same time, about the day we walked into a funeral directors to talk about your burial?! It just felt like we were in a daze, going through the motions but not really there because this isn't really happening to us, is it? Yeah, there's the pain, it is!

Mummy and Daddy arrived at the registration appointment early but we were ushered straight in. The lady had bright red hair and seemed really nervous, she was certainly lacking a little in compassion. She sat us down and asked us a few questions, where you were born, what our jobs are, where we were born and a few other irrelevant questions. Then she started to print off the documents...

"I have forgotten the order I need to process these in" Mummy and Daddy let out a fake laugh, "I don't care, work it out" Mummy thought.

"Thankfully I do not have to do many of these so just trying to remind myself"

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!!! We are thankful that you don't have to do these very often but right now, right now, you are doing one for us, for the two devastated people right in front of you that have just lost their only child. I'm sorry Ophelia but Mummy could have knocked her out! She guessed she had probably said the wrong thing as her compassion levels rose a bit and she was far more mindful of what she said from then on.

Thankfully the appointment didn't take too long, it was really hard for Mummy and Daddy to speak so matter of factly about you, our gorgeous girl, our shining light. As we knew your funeral would be soon, Mummy wanted to get an outfit for it, an outfit that she would look pretty in for you so we wandered up to H&M. Mummy found a nice dress and a jacket, did you see? I hope I chose the right one, I just want you to be proud of me. As we were leaving we saw your Fauntie Chloe, she gave Mummy a big hug and asked how we were doing, it was nice to see her, even if only briefly.

It is so hard for Mummy and Daddy to answer that question, of course it is nice to be asked, it shows that we have people around us who care, but what do we say? How do we feel? Are we ok? No. Are we ok considering the heart-breaking circumstances? Yeah, I guess so. Are we ok considering Mummy has forgotten what her eyes really look like? Sure.

After the registration appointment Mummy and Daddy had the horror of going to see the funeral directors. We walked in and were shown through to a room at the front of building. Ann, the lady who will be looking after you walked in and introduced herself. We spoke about our plans for you and what we would like and she offered us a lot of help and guidance, Mummy and Daddy have never had to do this before so we really didn't know what to expect. Over the course of the appointment we started to realise what an amazing woman we were talking to. She too had lost babies, she too understood our pain and she too is trying to make a difference. The difference that she is making is simply incredible, she has set up a charity called "Children are Butterflies" (http://www.childrenarebutterflies.org.uk/) that helps out people just like us! We know she will look after you so well and keep you safe and we also know she will make sure you have the beautiful send off you deserve. Ann made a unbearable experience bearable! Thank you Ann! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Her charity has an event on Sunday which your Daddy and I plan to go to, it is a butterfly release and one will be released in your memory, does that sound nice sweetie? Mummy and Daddy like the idea.

One thing that has stayed with me since our appointment with Ann is, do we see you one last time or not? Ann had asked if we had wanted to see you and Mummy and Daddy hadn't thought that we could, so now we are faced with a real dilemma. Mummy and Daddy both want to see you, we want to be with you all the time but we had said goodbye to your body at the hospital, if we see you again will it just rip open the wound? If we don't see you again, touch your face, hold your hand, kiss your lips will we regret it forever? We might not be able to see you, you might have deteriorated so much that Ann might advise us against coming, is Mummy wrong to want that in some small way, for the decision to be made for us? Please tell Mummy and Daddy what you want us to do, please give us a sign because I am scared. Scared of doing the wrong thing. Scared of leaving you alone, scared of everything. We love you and we just want to do right by you.

After we got home we had a delivery, well we had two over the course of the day. My lovely friend Danny and his wife Leonnie had sent us an angel statue, releasing a butterfly no less, it is lovely so we have put it next to your vase in our room. We also had a card from Mummy's friend Rach, inside it was a lovely necklace with your name and beautiful face on it, so thoughtful. Mummy has it on right now :-). The cards and flowers keep coming too, we really are very lucky to have such kind, considerate family and friends, we cannot thank them enough. Without them the last week probably would have ruined us.

Once again the day had gotten away from us without us really realising. Maybe that's a good thing as everyday further from that day, the hardest day is a minute step closer to us finding our "new normal", a step closer to us finding a way to cope with the pain of loosing you and be, dare I say it, happy again.

Mummy and Daddy decided it was time to go to bed, before we did we got out the bag with your clothes in and we smelt them, they smell AMAZING! Marley loves the smell of her "Little Sister" too, as soon as I got the bag out she rushed across the bed and planted her head firmly in the bag. Ophelia, we wish you were here with us, we would have had so much fun together! Mummy and Daddy hope you are having fun wherever you are and we cannot wait to see you again!

 Mummy's heart is breaking again so I am going to say goodnight.

You are forever in our hearts.

We love you.

Mummy and Daddy


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