Hello Angel,
How do I start to tell you about today, about the day your
Mummy and Daddy registered your birth and death at the same time, about the day
we walked into a funeral directors to talk about your burial?! It just felt
like we were in a daze, going through the motions but not really there because
this isn't really happening to us, is it? Yeah, there's the pain, it is!
Mummy and Daddy arrived at the registration appointment
early but we were ushered straight in. The lady had bright red hair and seemed
really nervous, she was certainly lacking a little in compassion. She sat us
down and asked us a few questions, where you were born, what our jobs are,
where we were born and a few other irrelevant questions. Then she started to
print off the documents...
"I have forgotten the order I need to process these
in" Mummy and Daddy let out a fake laugh, "I don't care, work it
out" Mummy thought.
"Thankfully I do not have to do many of these so just
trying to remind myself"
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!!! We are thankful that you don't have
to do these very often but right now, right now, you are doing one for us, for
the two devastated people right in front of you that have just lost their only
child. I'm sorry Ophelia but Mummy could have knocked her out! She guessed she
had probably said the wrong thing as her compassion levels rose a bit and she
was far more mindful of what she said from then on.
Thankfully the appointment didn't take too long, it was
really hard for Mummy and Daddy to speak so matter of factly about you, our
gorgeous girl, our shining light. As we knew your funeral would be soon, Mummy
wanted to get an outfit for it, an outfit that she would look pretty in for you
so we wandered up to H&M. Mummy found a nice dress and a jacket, did you
see? I hope I chose the right one, I just want you to be proud of me. As we
were leaving we saw your Fauntie Chloe, she gave Mummy a big hug and asked how
we were doing, it was nice to see her, even if only briefly.
It is so hard for Mummy and Daddy to answer that question,
of course it is nice to be asked, it shows that we have people around us who
care, but what do we say? How do we feel? Are we ok? No. Are we ok considering
the heart-breaking circumstances? Yeah, I guess so. Are we ok considering Mummy
has forgotten what her eyes really look like? Sure.
After the registration appointment Mummy and Daddy had the
horror of going to see the funeral directors. We walked in and were shown
through to a room at the front of building. Ann, the lady who will be looking
after you walked in and introduced herself. We spoke about our plans for you
and what we would like and she offered us a lot of help and guidance, Mummy and
Daddy have never had to do this before so we really didn't know what to expect.
Over the course of the appointment we started to realise what an amazing woman
we were talking to. She too had lost babies, she too understood our pain and
she too is trying to make a difference. The difference that she is making is
simply incredible, she has set up a charity called "Children are
Butterflies" (http://www.childrenarebutterflies.org.uk/) that helps out
people just like us! We know she will look after you so well and keep you safe
and we also know she will make sure you have the beautiful send off you deserve.
Ann made a unbearable experience bearable! Thank you Ann! Thank you, thank you,
thank you!
Her charity has an event on Sunday which your Daddy and I
plan to go to, it is a butterfly release and one will be released in your
memory, does that sound nice sweetie? Mummy and Daddy like the idea.
One thing that has stayed with me since our appointment with
Ann is, do we see you one last time or not? Ann had asked if we had wanted to
see you and Mummy and Daddy hadn't thought that we could, so now we are faced
with a real dilemma. Mummy and Daddy both want to see you, we want to be with
you all the time but we had said goodbye to your body at the hospital, if we
see you again will it just rip open the wound? If we don't see you again, touch
your face, hold your hand, kiss your lips will we regret it forever? We might
not be able to see you, you might have deteriorated so much that Ann might
advise us against coming, is Mummy wrong to want that in some small way, for
the decision to be made for us? Please tell Mummy and Daddy what you want us to
do, please give us a sign because I am scared. Scared of doing the wrong thing.
Scared of leaving you alone, scared of everything. We love you and we just want
to do right by you.
After we got home we had a delivery, well we had two over
the course of the day. My lovely friend Danny and his wife Leonnie had sent us
an angel statue, releasing a butterfly no less, it is lovely so we have put it
next to your vase in our room. We also had a card from Mummy's friend Rach, inside
it was a lovely necklace with your name and beautiful face on it, so
thoughtful. Mummy has it on right now :-). The cards and flowers keep coming
too, we really are very lucky to have such kind, considerate family and
friends, we cannot thank them enough. Without them the last week probably would
have ruined us.
Once again the day had gotten away from us without us really
realising. Maybe that's a good thing as everyday further from that day, the
hardest day is a minute step closer to us finding our "new normal", a
step closer to us finding a way to cope with the pain of loosing you and be,
dare I say it, happy again.
Mummy and Daddy decided it was time to go to bed, before we
did we got out the bag with your clothes in and we smelt them, they smell AMAZING!
Marley loves the smell of her "Little Sister" too, as soon as I got
the bag out she rushed across the bed and planted her head firmly in the bag.
Ophelia, we wish you were here with us, we would have had so much fun together!
Mummy and Daddy hope you are having fun wherever you are and we cannot wait to
see you again!
You are forever in our hearts.
We love you.
Mummy and Daddy
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