Hello little one,
So today we went to a Butterfly release organised by Ann's charity Children are Butterflies and we release one in your name. Mummy had though the event started at 2pm so was taking a long bath at around 11am, Daddy then got up a little panicked saying we needed to go soon.
"It starts at 2pm baby" Mummy said to Daddy
"I am pretty sure it starts at 12pm" Daddy said as he ran downstairs to get the invite. "Yup, it is 12pm and it will take us 30 minutes to get there!"
"Oh bum" Mummy said as she quickly hauled herself out of the bath "I will be as quick as I can!" Mummy was ready in 10 minutes, not much point putting make up on now, I just cry it off anyway.
We got in the car, swung over to M&S and bought some stuff to nibble on whilst we were there and headed to Ivy Cottage. There we were on another drive to somewhere we shouldn't be going. Mummy keeps imagining you in the back in your lovely multicoloured car seat staring at the spiral toy we had bought for you. For a second you are there, for a second Mummy forgets, for a second we are on our way to a friends house to introduce you to them. BANG! Reality hits Mummy straight in the face, you aren't in your car seat, that's locked away at home, we aren't on our way to show you off to our friends, we are going to a Butterfly release organised to remember dead children. We are going there to remember our dead child, you, our baby who was never given a chance.
Mummy and Daddy kept going, kept moving forward, we had made the decision to go and no matter how hard it was going to be we had to push ourselves to do it, for you. You deserved that Butterfly.
We arrived and Ann greeted us immediately, she asked how Mummy and Daddy were and hugged Mummy, tears instantly fell from my face. She knows the heartache we feel, Mummy feels safe around her. "We're not good!" Mummy said. Ann just hugged tighter. Then Mummy asked the question, the question that had been worrying her since the moment we left the funeral directors last week...
"What does she look like?" You had returned from
and Ann and her team had collected you and taken you back to the funeral home. Oxford
"She is still beautiful however, I know the picture you have of her in your mind and I think if you saw her again your picture would be ruined as she has deteriorated." That was hard to hear, another reality check...
"Hello you there with the rose-tinted glasses, your baby isn't coming back!!" A voice screamed in my head. Everywhere we turn there is another stab of reality.
If I am honest though sweetheart and please do not take this as Mummy and Daddy loving you less or not caring as much (you will never truly know how much we love and care about you because there is no limit), but we had wanted to be told not to see you. That way we didn't have to make the decision, we couldn't stand it if we made the wrong one. That doesn't make it any easier though, Mummy and Daddy would do anything to see you again but we can't see you looking like you are in pain, that would finish us off I think.
Ann told us about a few of the people there, most were a lot further along in there grief but could offer advise if we wanted but she said for us to just go at our own pace. Mummy and Daddy decided to sit under a quiet tree and just take everything in, it was a bit overwhelming and I don't think either of us could have coped with the questions if we had sat in the thick of it all, not this time at least. We just needed to see what it was all about.
We got the picnic blanket out and sat down, we noticed that we were the only couple there without children and instead of being upset by that it gave us hope. Had this have been a village fete and there had been as many children I think Daddy and I would have left but knowing all of the people around us had lost a child the fact that they had other children made us happy, it made us feel positive about our future. Who knows, next year we might be releasing a Butterfly for you with your baby brother or sister in tow. I hope for that.
Then came the time to release the Butterflies, your name was read out around halfway through, Mummy couldn't face going up to get the Butterfly (sorry sweetie) so Daddy went alone. Ann gave him the Butterfly, it must have been the rebel in the bunch as all the others had stuck around on peoples hands for a few seconds before flying off, but yours found a way out of Daddy's cupped hand before he had the chance to get back to Mummy. I always thought you would be a little rebel, I guess I was right. It did make me smile, you little rebel you! Mwah!!!
Daddy and I decided to leave not long after, it was quite emotional to say the least. We headed for a pub garden to have a drink and breathe. Our conversation was, as it always is now, about you and how we were feeling. We also talked about trying again and our fears surrounding that. If you could just make an angel wish for us to get pregnant again soon and bring your little brother or sister home that would be rad! Kiss kiss xx
We went for a long walk with Marley when we got home, I think we walked around 3 miles or so, Marley was exhausted when we got back. So were Mummy and Daddy really but don't tell anyone, we are super fit!
We are going to pick out your burial plot tomorrow, we will try to find you one where you will have lots of friends to look after you.
We love you Ophelia, our lives aren't the same without you.
Love you, love you, love you!
Mummy and Daddy