Friday, 18 July 2014

Going away.

Hello Gorgeous,

So your Mummy and Daddy went away today, we are staying in a lovely hotel that your friend Rosie had recommended, it was called Titchwell Manor and it was right by the sea.

It took about 2 1/2 hours to get there from home, we listened to the radio and chatted about our future and what we hoped for it. It is so hard to talk about the future, Mummy and Daddy really want a healthy brother or sister for you but we have no idea if or when that will happen and that is scary. I think back to when I first found out I was pregnant with you, although over the moon because we had waited so long for those two blue lines, I was also petrified of loosing you. We had so many scans to make sure you were alright, it wasn't until I could feel you move that both Mummy and Daddy started to relax. Now we know that any subsequent pregnancies will be a very hard time for us, we won't want to prepare a nursery, we won't want to buy any clothes and we won't relax until our healthy baby is in our arms (I'm not really expecting to relax then either). Maybe you can help Mummy and Daddy with that Ophelia, just keep an eye over us if you can.

We arrived at the hotel around 1pm and we went straight to our room, it was very nice and had a huge bed, you would have liked it. The only downside to the room was both of the pictures were of children... Mummy and Daddy just had to remember not to look at them. The hotel staff loved Marley, they kept cooing over her, I am sure if you had been there they wouldn't have even noticed Marley. You were such a pretty baby, yes you were our baby so I am bias but everyone has said it, some babies aren't so lucky in the looks department when they are newborns, you were a stunner.

We dropped our bags in the room and decided to go for lunch, this would be the first proper lunch we would have since we lost you. We went to five different pubs before we found somewhere Mummy could eat at, clearly there are no vegetarians in Norfolk! The pub we did eventually eat at was pleasant and a couple from York told us the best beaches to go to, one of which was straight down from the pub so Daddy, Marley and I walked down after we had finished our food.

The tide was out so it was quite a long walk to get to the sea but we had promised you a little dip so off we went, Marley's little legs were tired after though. On the way down Mummy kept noticing what looked like worms in the wet sand, she didn't like it at all and kept trying to avoid them but they were everywhere. Daddy thought it was funny, Mummy skipping around the beach trying not to step on a worm! Some of the pools of water were also quite deep so Marley got quite wet, I am not sure she liked it at all, she kept trying to climb up Mummy's leg. Once we got to the sea, all three of us dipped our toes in the water and thought of you. The water was actually really warm, you would have liked the feeling I am sure.

We stayed for a bit and took in the sea air, then we made our way back to the hotel. Mummy had a bath and fell asleep for a bit, Daddy showered and watched the TV. I like it when I sleep, the pain goes away, it comes back as soon as I wake up though. I feel like I am never going to get through another day without crying, life without you is just heartbreaking. There will always be part of our family that is missing, that will never go away. I just hope we find a way to cope with that because at the moment we can't.

We decided to stay at the hotel for dinner, we sat outside and watched the sun setting, it was bright pink with orange tones stretching out across the sky, beautiful just like you, did you like it? Not long after we had ordered a young couple came in, the girl was about 6 months pregnant, Mummy cried. I was pregnant only two weeks ago, we were happily expecting your arrival, now we are a secret Mummy and Daddy mourning your departure. I wanted to scream "You're not safe! Your baby isn't safe until you have them crying in your arms! Don't take it for granted, EVER!" Why, if the placenta starts to decline at 37 weeks, are women left up until 42 week before labour is induced? Why aren't there more tests/checks done towards the end of the pregnancy to help avoid stillbirths like yours? It destroys me when I think about what happened to you, I just can't help but wonder if you were in pain, were you? I am told all you ever felt was love but they don't know any more than I do what you went through. I hope that love was all you ever felt and all you continue to feel as you leave this world.

I know we only lost you very recently but this pain is so strong. I wish I could fast forward to a time that your Daddy and I were happier, I hate knowing that all you see is sadness and grief. We miss you so much, you are our world.

Love you with every beat of our hearts.

Mummy and Daddy


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