Thursday, 28 August 2014

I will love you forever

To my dearest Ophelia,

I miss you darling, I wonder what we would have done today. Maybe we would have gone swimming together for the first time, maybe Tilly and Finn would have come too. Maybe we would have gone shopping for some holiday clothes for you or just gone for a walk in the park. I would have loved doing all of those things!

Mummy did go shopping today and I saw the prettiest pink dress out of the corner of my eye as I was looking, or pretending to look at holiday cover ups (I didn't buy one Paul, I have loads!!). I couldn't move, my feet had frozen, my body was stiff and my eyes, my eyes just stared! Only two months ago, I would have bought that dress immediately, taken it home and washed it ready for you to wear. Now, all I could do was imagine what might have been, wonder if I would ever be able to buy that dress and hated all the women around me who could! To make matters worse the lady who had run the antenatal classes was stood in the queue for the checkout. It is so strange, you would think I would run but I wanted her to see me. I wanted her to ask me how my baby was doing. I wanted to tell her what had happened. I wanted her to share in my grief even if only for a second! She didn't see me, or at least if she did, she ignored me. My grief is all mine still.

Mummy is sorry these letters have gotten darker again Ophelia, I wish it were so very different. Maybe it is because we go on holiday on Saturday. To an outsider it is the dream holiday, a week in sunny Barbados, a treat so many will never experience. To me, it is something else I shouldn't be doing, it is another week without you, it is another hurdle. Yes, I am sure it will be "nice", I am sure it will be "relaxing" but I think some people believe we will be fixed when we come back. Let me say this now, we will never be fixed and honestly, I don't want to be. To be fixed would be to forget you, that will never, ever happen... "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be!" (Roger Knapp)

We will come and bring you some flowers and read you a story tomorrow before we go. I am sorry we won't be able to see you whilst we are away, maybe one of you grandparents might if we ask them too. Thanks to your Nanna & Poppy Angelinetta and also all your friends at Mummy's work we are going to get you a bench to put on your plot so we have somewhere to sit, I will let you know when that is on it's way.

Mummy is crying again (not a day has gone by that I haven't) so I will go.

I miss you, nothing is the same without you.

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy


Monday, 25 August 2014

Dear Friends

Hello Angel,

Did you like the letter Daddy wrote to you? It was lovely wasn't it. He found it hard to write and even harder to read but I think it helped him a little.

Mummy has gone backwards over the last few days, reality has hit, bang, I have suffered another blow to the heart, you aren't coming home! I think back to the last few weeks of pregnancy, I was so looking forward to not being pregnant so that I could sleep on my back and not suffer the pain in my hips every night. I couldn't wait to have my post pregnancy meal of runny eggs on toast, tiramisu and a glass of wine and I was looking forward to a steam in our hot tub (it's a blow up one...). Now, now... I would go through months of sickness, endless sleepless nights and endure all the other pregnancy symptoms and I wouldn't so much as make a sound. I would do anything to be there again, for you to be there again. I know the latter cannot happen but I hope, I pray, I wish everyday that the other will come true, I have a child to love but I need a child to hold.

Mummy found support through my forum friends this week, it seems so strange that I am able to share all of my private thoughts and emotions both on here and with people I have never met and yet I find it so desperately hard to be honest with the people who have known me my whole life or at least some of it. So many times I wanted to air it all on Facebook, tell everyone exactly how I feel, let everyone see how hard this is, how much it hurts, how broken I really am. So many times I have wanted to pick up the phone and just cry until all the water has left my body but I can't for fear of over sharing or something far worse, the fear of no response. Mummy thought about writing an open letter to her friends, I have added it below, can you tell me what you think?

Dear Friends,

Thank you, we love you, your support and care at this devastating time has been amazing, we are lucky to have you.

You have offered us your help but don't be offended if we do not take you up on it, we can't, to ask would require more energy than we have. You have said please call me if you need me, we want to, really we do but we are scared of being an inconvenience. You have said let me know when you are free and we will meet up, we would love to see you but we cannot call to say let's do something tonight for fear that you will be busy.

Grief comes and goes, when we feel the most pain we are unable to reach out, our bodies are consumed. On easier days it still takes all the energy we have to function like you do on a lazy day. Loss is tiring, it demands so much of us, we are sorry it is this way.

Please do not take any offence to this letter, we know you are doing your best and like I said WE LOVE YOU. Call us, we will answer if we can, invite us out, if we feel ready we will come, come round and do my washing up... I hate that! We might cry, it might be hard for you to see us in pain but we need to do that. We need to grieve. We also need to smile, we need to know what is happening in your lives because we care and even though we have a new normal we still like to experience yours.

Thank you, we love you, we are lucky to have you.

Sarah & Paul xxxxxx

Do you think that is ok sweetie? Mummy and Daddy just want people to know how we feel. We do not mean to ignore them and we do not want them to feel scared around us, we wouldn't have known what to say if this had happened to anyone else. Mummy hopes it doesn't upset anyone.

Mummy hopes you have had a nice day with all the other angel babies, say hello to them from us.

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy


Saturday, 23 August 2014

Daddy's Girl

To my beautiful girl Ophelia,

So I thought I would give your amazing Mummy a day off from writing to you, yes its your Daddy here! I know I am not going to be even half as a good writer as Mummy but thought I would give it a go anyway. I think your  Mummy is the strongest, most passionate and loving person that exists and I am so so proud of her, you know that already though don't you? Without her with me right now I would be a complete mess, I hope I help her as much as she has me. She loves writing to you. We would have both been such wonderful parents to you Ophelia, I guess we just have to dream of what could and should have been!

Since the day we found out that your little heart stopped beating I have become a different person, perhaps not from the outside looking in but from the inside looking out, a piece of my heart went with you the moment yours stopped. Everything now, is about you. The second I wake up to the second I fall asleep you are there in my thoughts and I love that. I even dream about you, well not your traditional dreams of clouds and rainbows but somehow more real like you are here with me, I love it and hate it.

Things are tough right now, although I try and put on a brave face in front of the guys at work and our friends and family, I am hurting inside so so much! Everything has changed but nothing has changed, you should be here, you are meant to be with us, instead the world just carries on as normal none the wiser, that just makes me sad! I keep thinking of all the things we are going to miss out on little one, how we would climb trees, how I would teach you to throw a ball, ride a bike, learn to play guitar, ride a skateboard and snowboard. We would have had such fun messing around and am sure you would have been my Daddy's girl driving Mummy crazy getting mucky, covered in dirt from outside - you are my girl after all. Those things seem very simple and normal and probably most parents take them all for granted which now makes me so mad, but I would give absolutely anything right now to do any one of those things with you. Most of all though, I would give anything for one more cuddle with you!

Our time together in the Snowdrop suite seems so long ago but I try and remind myself of every little detail of what happened, I am scared that one day I will forget what it felt like to hold your little hands, kiss your pretty little face and the long sleepy cuddles into the night. Although you were gone by this point, you were with us in that room right? Just like you are watching over Mummy and Daddy all the time now. I just want you to know the love we have for you is so strong it is overwhelming, this started from the second we found out you were growing in Mummy's tummy and this love will be there until the day we meet again in heaven where we can have the life we never got here on earth. I cherish the time we had, it keeps me going!

We nicknamed you, Wriggler, when you were growing in your mummy's belly because you were a active little one, I loved seeing you kick and it was amazing to feel you with my hands! If I knew what I know now then I would have cherished those moments so much more Ophelia. Do you remember me kissing you three times every night before bed? It became a bit of a ritual really, I kissed you every single night. You must have heard my voice too because I would tell you about my day and what I would be up too, I loved that! I remember one night I started singing the classic Whitney Houston track from the bodyguard, I will Always love You, with my face pressed up against Mummy's belly, you must have the same opinion as everyone else and agree that my singing voice is rubbish because you let out the biggest kick right in the side of my head, it made us laugh so much! Were you telling me to shut up? I don't mind though, you were right my singing sucks!

Although both your Mummy and Daddy are so incredibly sad that you are not with us in body we both feel that your legacy is living on in us, we have started seizing life more and I feel my eyes are open more to what is happening around us, even the trees, clouds and the nature seem clearer, sounds strange but it is like you are amongst them leading the way. We are trying to raise money to donate to Sands for research into why baby's like you don't get to come home with their parents. We are facing fears everyday for you which hopefully will help someone out in the future. Mummy even bought some story books and donated them to the Snowdrop suite so Mummy's and Daddy's like us can read stories to their little ones, we didn't get to do that!

We have hope though, hope that one day we will be able to bring home a baby brother or sister with us, hope that we can help others going through the same fate as us and hope that we will see you again somewhere, somehow!

There is so much I want to say to you in this letter but cant get it across on paper, I just hope you are happy in your new home up there playing and dancing on the clouds with all the other babies. I hope your Great Grandma and Granddads' have found you and are keeping you safe. Maybe look up Robin Williams, he would make you laugh or maybe get Jimi Hendrix to teach you a thing or too about a guitar! That would be cool!

I am going to leave you now with a quote from one of my favourite songs that is really helping me through the days at the moment, this is from Pearl Jam's - Black, pretty dark but sums up my general mood a lot of the time.

I take a walk outside, I'm surrounded by some kids at play
I can feel their laughter, so why do I sear?
Oh, and twisted thoughts that spin round my head, I'm spinning, oh,
I'm spinning, how quick the sun can drop away

And now my bitter hands cradle broken glass of what was everything
All the pictures have all been washed in black, tattooed everything...

Remember you are in my heart and I know you are smiling down from heaven, keeping an eye on us! Talk to you tonight in my dreams little one.

All the love in the world, forever!

Your Daddy and Mummy xxxxx

Thursday, 21 August 2014

Your Box

Hello Beautiful,

I wish you could tell me how you are, I wish you could answer some of the questions I ask! Mummy knows you wouldn't have been able to tell me if you were here (unless you were super baby and could speak at 6 1/2 weeks old... it could happen) but someday you would have been able to. I will miss that someday forever.

Mummy knows I have said it before but how are we suppose to live every day for the rest of our lives with this huge, gapping hole in our hearts? If we are blessed with another child, we will of course be so, so happy but our family will never be complete again. We will never be truly happy again because you will always be gone. You are missing from me and all we have left of you is your box.

Your box which contains:

A blessing candle
A copy of the blessing
A card to acknowledge you had been blessed
A copy of your hospital tags
1 of the hospital tags you actually wore (you have the other)
2 Bears (you have their twins)
Photos the Midwifes took of us (you have a photo too)
A tea-light
A memory book with your hand and footprints and a list of all the things we did together
Copies of the letters Mummy and Daddy wrote and left with you
Mummy's hospital tag
A copy of the order of service from your funeral
Some plastic snowdrops
A poem with your little footprints on
A freezer bag with your blood stained clothes which are beginning to loose your smell
Your blanket that lies in between Mummy and Daddy every night.

That is all Mummy and Daddy have of you, your box and a grave! We couldn't live without that box. I never really worried about a fire before, yes it would have been horrendous if our house had gone up in flames but we have insurance, we would have got through it. Now, I worry about it a lot, if we were to loose your box to a fire... I can't even bear to think about what I would do! Maybe Mummy and Daddy should get a safety deposit box, we could put your box in there along with a copy of all of your pictures just in case.

Mummy and Daddy miss you so much Ophelia, I know you never got to meet us properly, or us you, but please know how much we love you. We have this idea of you in our heads, your cousins are very well behaved and extremely polite, I just know you would have been a little tyke, a proper little madam with a sassy personality. You probably would have driven your Grandparents mad, haring round the house, doing everything at a hundred miles an hour and wanting to know what everything was, but you would have been a total sweetheart too. No-one would have felt sad around you, you would have been able to cheer everyone up with a little wink or a smile and you would always know the right thing to say. You would have been amazing, I can just imagine what you might have looked like! It is so strange, writing this, far away from your freezer bag of clothes I can smell you, are you here Ophelia? Please let me know if you are, Mummy could do with a cuddle!

This week has been a little non descript other than this morning, we met Dr Shuklar today and spoke about what had happened to you and what will happen should we get pregnant again. Unfortunately she was unable to shed anymore light on why you died, it was just a freak thing, no obvious reason whatsoever. Mummy and Daddy do find that very hard to understand however, the doctor said that because they do not know the reason the likelihood of it happening again is extremely slim, so I suppose that is something. I am so sorry it happened to you though my darling, I promise to make it up to you somehow, I hope we are already starting to with all the changes we have made. Dr Shuklar has told Mummy and Daddy that if we fall pregnant again that we will be monitored very closely and if we aren't already pregnant in six months time we will be referred to the infertility clinic. This will give us a back up and it will hopefully help us to relax. The doctor is a nice lady (I wish I knew her first name because I hate referring to her as she/the doctor), she told us that if we are ever worried to ring her, she would much rather get us in for a scan than miss something. Mummy told her that if we were lucky again she would probably be sick of her at the end of it, I can be quite neurotic. She laughed and said she would be just as invested in our pregnancy as we were (almost), she wants us to bring a healthy baby home and will do anything to make that happen. She is amazing! Jane is amazing! Caroline is amazing! Should we get pregnant again your little brother or sister is going to be very lucky to have such a fantastic team looking after them!

One last thing before I go, did you see the books Mummy bought for the snowdrop suite? I bought "Each Peach Pear Plum", "We are going on a bear hunt" and "Zog" so that any other Mummies or Daddies that go there having something to read to their sleeping babies, do you think that was a nice idea? We didn't get to read to you there and it is something we wouldn't want other parents to miss out on so we donated them in your honour, we hoped you like that. Mummy also bought you some flowers to plant by the apple tree at home for you, I bought some Lilies (obviously), Snowdrops, Lavender, Bluebells (they represent everlasting love), Daffodils and Tulips. I think they are going to look really pretty, just like you.

Look at you big sis photo bombing this pic... she has to be involved somehow :-)

Anyway, sleep well poppet, your Daddy is writing you a letter at the moment and will send to you as soon as possible.

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy


Sunday, 17 August 2014

Safari Time

To my darling Ophelia,

It has been quite rubbish weather recently, I do hope you have your angel wellies on and a raincoat, Mummy doesn't want you to get cold. Today has been nice though so I am sure you are nice and warm.

Did you see what your Mummy and Daddy did yesterday? We went on Safari! Only to Woburn but you work with what you've got. It was a fun day, did you see all the wonderful animals, which was your favourite? Was it the Monkeys? Daddy liked the Bears the most, they walked out right in front of our car which he thought was very cool. Mummy liked the Elephants and Penguins, Daddy and I were lucky enough to see three Elephants holding on to each other as they walked down the road, it was very cute. I have added some pictures just in case you missed any of the animals.

Today was spent sorting the garden out, it is hard work, not the type of work Mummy particularly enjoys but satisfying none the less. We only have one more bit to weed (we are leaving the mass at the bottom for the time being, it is beginning to resemble a jungle but it is a bit too much to deal with right now!) and then we can get ready to sow some grass seed, it is going to look really big when it is done. I wish you could have seen it Squidge, you would have enjoyed climbing the apple tree, I am sure your daddy would have built a tree house for you, he would have loved that.

Everyday we think about what we have missed out on and what we would be doing if you were here. The cruel reminder you are not, is the hundred upon hundreds of other parents proudly pushing their Maxi Cozy's around, nowhere is safe from them. We had bought you a really pretty one with loads of different colours splatted all over it, Mummy was so looking forward to putting you in that as we left the hospital. Now we do not know if we will ever get to use it or if it will end up in the loft along with our unrealised dream. To say I hope our dream does come true is an almighty understatement, our desire for it is all consuming.

Mummy doesn't cry as much as she did in the early days, I miss that. I miss the debilitating ache. I miss the puffiness of my eyes. I felt closer to you then. Each day that passes is a day further from you and although I take you with me everywhere, I miss your smell, I miss the feel of your skin, I miss holding you in my arms. My arms yearn for you, my heart beats for you, my brain thinks only of you. You are my world and I am forever broken without you. The light has gone out and I although I know it can once again begin to shine, it will never be as bright as it once was.

We live without you only to make you proud, we hope you are.

Miss you incredibly.

Love eternal.

Mummy and Daddy


PS... I hope you like the flowers we left for you on your grave, there are pretty just like you.

Thursday, 14 August 2014

Caught in a sandstorm

Hello Poppet,

I wanted to share another poem with you, it is called "Caught in a sandstorm" and it's written by me. Will you tell me what you think?

Caught in a sandstorm - Sarah Hancon

I am caught in a sandstorm, heaven cannot see, the stars have turned their eyes away, leaving only me
It's grip is getting tighter, tearing at my soul, the wind, the harsh opponent I am powerless to control
The sand, it seems relentless, empowered by it's cause, taking all my dreams with it and snapping with it's claws
I wait for a peaceful second, a chance for stars to gaze, to shine their light upon my back and release me from it's haze
The time I know is coming, and patience sides with me, the storm will be defeated and a future there will be.

I hope you like it sweet girl.

Mummy has had a hard day baby so I will say goodnight.

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy


Wednesday, 13 August 2014

Up in the trees

Hello Squidgy,

I have missed you!

You would have been so proud of your Mummy on Saturday, Daddy and I did a high wire course at Irchester Country Park, it was very scary! As Mummy and Daddy had promised you, we were thinking of something different we could do and Daddy mentioned Jungle Parc at Irchester. Mummy and Daddy had gone to the one over in Salcey Forest last year with our friends Janine and Chatt and because Mummy was so scared she only completed the first level which was just two metres high. Mummy was a wimp, I know! I was determined to give it another go and with you to spur me on off we went. Once there we got ourselves kitted up and were sent over to the practice area and were shown how to use the zip wires and safety harness. Mummy was already scared and Daddy wasn't sure I would actually get onto the real course, let alone get round it. I did though, I was terrified the whole way round but with each wobbly step I took I became more and more confident. Daddy was so proud of me, he hadn't seen me like that before, he felt bad for doubting Mummy! That is your doing sweetie, you give me so much strength I feel like I can do anything, although I am still very scared about the upcoming scuba dive I have set myself up for! You might have to give me an extra push for that one.

This week has been a bit up and down. Both Mummy and Daddy have come on so much from the early days without you, in fact it almost feels like it wasn't us, like those first few weeks were played out by people pretending to be us. To be honest though, we aren't the same people, we aren't the same as we were before we lost you and we aren't the same people we were in the early days of grief, so much has changed. Our outlooks are very different, we do not have any time for whinging over minor things like traffic jams, coughs and colds or the internet not working... IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER! We also feel so very aware of how real death is, how it can happen to anyone at anytime, which in turn makes us appreciate the life we do have, even though our life without you is so terribly hard to deal with. I guess we are stronger now. It is hard to see that way when we are in the depths of sorrow, but then we get up, we share a smile or a laugh and we carry on. Yeah, your Mummy and Daddy are pretty tough, never again will someone tell me I am weak... seriously try me!

Mummy has found some really great people to chat to on the SANDS forum, I have about 6 friends now, aren't I popular?! Two ladies in particular have certainly helped me over the past couple of days. I hope you have met up with their little ones, they would make great friends I am sure.

Anyway, I am whittling on as per usual so I will let you get some sleep.

I wish I could hold you again.

Love eternal.

Mummy and Daddy


Sunday, 10 August 2014

We want another baby!

Hello Squidge,

It has been five weeks since we found out we lost you and Mummy and Daddy are right back to where we were a year ago, before you came along. I didn't think travelling back in time was possible but it seems it is! We had wanted a baby for so long, you were the best surprise ever but now we are asking the same questions we were a year ago;

Will we get pregnant again?
Will the baby be healthy?
Will we have another miscarriage?

Then there is the if's;

If we get pregnant, when will we tell people?
If we get pregnant, how will we cope?
If we get to 20 weeks, shall we find out the sex?

Mummy hate's all the if's, we just want to be active parents, it make me feel sick knowing we have no idea if we will ever get to do that! I know it has only been five weeks but I want to be pregnant again NOW! The waiting and the constant wondering is just misery, please, please, please let us get pregnant again soon!!! It hurts so much, we shouldn't be wishing for this!!! We wanted you, you were almost here, if you could come home it would fix everything!

I heard a saying that god only gives you what you can handle... We can't handle this!!! Mummy and Daddy are desperate without you! We long to do all the things most parents take for granted, we wish we could change your nappy, we wish we had to get up for nights feeds and we wish we could soothe you when you cry! I can feel pressure rising up inside my body, a sickness, an ache a raw pain that exists in me all the time but when I think about all the things we are missing it consumes me.


We want to be parents again, we deserve that don't we? Aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhh!!!!

Why you, why you, why you??????

We love you!

We miss you!

Our hearts are broken!

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy


Friday, 8 August 2014

Never-ending Story

Hello Gorgeous,

So Mummy has had a busy week, all my lovely friends and family have been keeping company whilst Daddy has been at work. It has been a good week considering.

On Monday Mummy met up with your Auntie Heather and your Fauntie Tilly and your little friend Finn, we went for something to eat in Towcester. Mummy wasn't sure how I would feel about seeing Finn, he turned one a week after we found out you had died and being around babies can be hard but I was really surprised how well I did, it barely fazed me at all. Finn was on very good form though, he kept us laughing all the way through lunch, he has the best expressions I have ever seen! He also gets very offended if you drink Chai Tea in front of him... he looked at me after I had put my drink down, pointed at the glass, grunted and turned away. It was very funny.

I am pleased I saw Tilly and Finn, it helped to see how strong I could be, I just hope I can continue to be as strong when her little girl arrives in October. You two would have been thick as thieves, getting into loads of mischief. Mummy and Tilly have been friends since we were little it seemed only right our children should be. I will really miss that future I imagined for you. I miss everything I imagined for you, it is so unjust that you didn't get to have one.

Tuesday was a bit of a hard day, Auntie Heather was moving to the US on Wednesday so I had to say goodbye to someone I love again. It was a bit too soon after loosing you but she is going out there to eat cheese, watch Packers games and play bar dice, we couldn't deny her that could we?! Oh, and she is doing her Masters...

We spent most of the day together and even came to see you, do you remember? We read you a story about Tigger and Roo and Heather was doing all the actions, I hope you liked it, I'm sure you were laughing at your silly Auntie Hedgeface! Mummy picked up your plaque too, it is really nice, Daddy wanted to put it in your "bed" so we popped in the back of the car and made our way home. I hate leaving you! Sometimes I just want to push away all the "covers" and bring you home but I know I can't do that. It wouldn't help anyway, you aren't here anymore and the hole that is left in our lives will never be filled!

We went out for dinner with your Nan and Grandad Angelinetta later to wish Heather farewell, it was a nice evening but sad to say goodbye. Miss you Hedge, FaceTime yeah?!!

On Wednesday Mummy went for a run and did a bit of shopping for our holiday at the end of the month. After I had got back to the car I burst into tears, it really shouldn't be so easy for me to try clothes on, it isn't for other Mums. Unfortunately though, I am very different from other Mummies, I am a silent, secret Mummy.

Mummy's day did get better though, I went out for dinner with Jess and Rach who I haven't seen in a while and it was just like old times, laughing at how rubbish our old boss was and chatting about nights out, it was good to catch up. They think your very pretty by the way, but what's new there?! ;-)

Then came yesterday... the day we would find out your Post Mortem results! Before getting your results Mummy met up with Libby and Feltch (don't call her that by the way, she will be cross with Mummy!!) for some lunch which was lovely. Libby had a little boy called Harry four day's after you were born but Mummy isn't ready to see Harry yet. Mummy feels bad but Lib's understands which is amazing, it is nice to have friends like that! Marley came with us for lunch, Rachel loved her and wanted to take her home. Your "big sis" gets so much attention I am surprised her head is as small as it is!

After lunch it was time for Jane to come round with the results. Mummy and Daddy had prepared ourselves for any outcome although we had both thought it had been the cord. It turns out that they could find no evidence that your brain had been deprived of Oxygen so it wasn't that. The results also showed that there was nothing genetic which is great news for us with future pregnancies. However, they couldn't actually tell us why you died, the results were inconclusive. All I could think about was "The Never-ending Story" where Fantasia was destroyed by "The Nothing", you died because of nothing! There is no way to stop it happening again because the doctors don't know what they are looking for and that, is, torture!

I need a reason!

Daddy needs a reason!

You need a reason!


I am just so sorry baby, so very, very sorry! I wanted to give you a reason for why you left but I can't and I will never be able to! That alone is heart-breaking!

We love you so much sweetheart. I will ask your daddy if he can write to you about his week :-) I have also added a couple of photos from the last week or so for you.

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy


Wednesday, 6 August 2014

You are beautiful

Hello my darling,

I can get over how beautiful you are, I look at your pictures and feel so incredibly proud that you are mine, we are just so lucky to be able to call you our daughter!

Why were you taken? It just seems so wrong that something so wonderful, something so perfect should be snatched away! I just can't understand it, we wanted you so badly, you never would have known anything but love. We didn't deserve this!

You. Didn't. Deserve. This!!!!

We want you back so much.

You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen and I cannot wait to see your face again!

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy


Monday, 4 August 2014

A Future Lost

Hello Gorgeous,

I missed you so had to write but thought I would just send you another poem, I hope you like it!

A Future Lost - Sarah Hancon

This is my daughter
This is where she lays
This is my daughter
She wasn't here to stay.

This is her bedroom
She never got to see
This is her bedroom
Lovingly prepared by me.

These are her clothes
She never got to wear
These are her clothes
I'll keep them safe in there.

These are her toys
She never got to play
These are her toys
I hope we will someday

This is my heart
Broken, torn apart
This is my heart
I loved her from the start.

Sweet dreams poppet, miss you every single second, forever.

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy


Sunday, 3 August 2014


Hey Ophelia,

I am starting this post at 20:11, the time that you were born 27 days ago, I can't believe you would have been 4 weeks old tomorrow! I didn't realise until after we had left the hospital that you were born at eleven minutes past the hour. For a long time before you were born Mummy seemed to look at a clock whenever it was eleven minutes past, the time that I kept seeing was 9:11 which used to weird me out. Daddy also started to look at clock at the same time each day, 11:11, I wonder if it was some kind of sign?! Could the outcome have been different if I had of noticed that sign? If and why are questions that I will ask for the rest of my life, never getting an answer to any of them!

When you loose someone close to you there are often a lot of reasons given by people to try and make sense of it all, some helpful, some not but none of them, true! It is a way for us to cope, a way for us to try and bring some peace to someone who is grieving. Whilst the sentiment is one of pure love, sometimes the answer you yearn to hear most is not an answer at all, it is silence. No words of wisdom, just ears because HONESTLY none of us know the answer and we never will! You my darling were taken from us before you had taken your first breath, the reason for why you were chosen to leave will, sadly, elude us forever.

I wish I had those answers, maybe it would make the pain ease, maybe it would give us an idea of what our future holds, maybe we would understand. The one thing I do know is, nothing is ever going to bring you back! My heart just broke, AGAIN! You are never coming back, Mummy and Daddy will never kiss you again, we will never hold you again, we will never get to spend time with you ever again! Life really is cruel!

Mummy and Daddy are so up and down, emotions are all muddled and intertwined we never quite know how we feel from moment to moment. One minute we laugh out loud, the next we are unimaginably sad, we are damaged! We are trying so hard for you though, trying to keep going, trying to better ourselves so that your legacy is entirely positive. You brought us so much joy, we need to hold on to that, not the hurt.

Anyway sweetie, Mummy has something to ask you. Now that Daddy is going back to work, Mummy will be alone a lot more and won't have as much to tell you each day, would you mind if I didn't write every day? It hurts so much to ask because I feel like I am letting go of you a little but I know you hear me regardless of whether I write or not. I know you can feel my love for you, it is after all, the most powerful love imaginable. I hope you do not mind gorgeous, Mummy just wants to make sure our letters are full of news for you. You never know, I might end up writing to you more when Daddy is back at work, Mummy might need your help to get through the day! I hope for your sake that I don't, I know you don't like to see us in pain.

I hope you are having fun in the clouds and aren't causing too much mischief ;-)

Love you, love you, love you!

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy


Saturday, 2 August 2014

Leap of Faith

Hello Sweetie,

So today was a big day for Mummy and Daddy, today was the day we started our challenges to raise money for SANDS and Children are Butterflies in your name. The first challenge was a heights, Mummy is very scared of heights!!!

Daddy and I decided to go to Wickstead Park with Auntie Heather to do the "Leap of Faith" jump, once we were there though we decided that the zip wire looked far more challenging and got ourselves kitted up for that. We all put our harnesses and sexy helmets on (we all looked very stylish) and waited to go up the tower. The longer we waited the more nervous Mummy got but I had to think about why we were doing this, we were doing it for you!

Finally, after what seemed like hours, it was our turn. Daddy and Auntie Heather were set up on their zip wires first, they didn't even flinch, all the while Mummy was FREAKING OUT! It was really high up there and once on the platform you had to climb up onto a set of steps with nothing to hold on to... "I can't do this!" Mummy thought. Then Mummy was being called out to get set up. I took a deep breath, walked out onto the platform and stepped up onto the blocks.

"Are you nervous?"

"Ergh... Petrified!" Mummy was starting to feel a little sick and doubts were starting to take over, then I thought of you and I started to calm down. The man that had secured Mummy onto the wire said Mummy should go off backwards if she was worried and that he would help me push off if I needed it. He told me to lean back, did a countdown, 3, 2, 1! "Come on Sarah, just lift your legs up and go!" Mummy told herself a few seconds later I was off! I flew down the wire, leaving Daddy and Auntie Heather on the platform, I was winning!! I started to spin around and around as I went, I could see Daddy and Heather coming up behind me all smiles. Mummy looked at where she had come from and felt very proud for having taken that leap. I hope I made you proud too, that is all I ever want is for you to think "Yeah! That's my Mumma!" Please say you did!

When Mummy and Auntie Heather came off the ride both of our legs were like jelly, we really struggled to get out of the harnesses. After we had taken off all the kit we went to get something to eat and Mummy and well deserved glass of wine. Whilst having some food Mummy realised that she hadn't cried all day, the first time since we lost you and today instead of feeling guilty, I felt good, I knew it was you that was giving me strength today, thank you beautiful, thank you! We finished our lunch and went a had a go on the log flume and the roller coaster and then made our way back home, we all had a fun day!

At home, Mummy wrote about her achievement and set up the blog and fundraising page ready for the next challenge, which is going to be Scuba Diving. I hope everyone gets behind us and we are able to raise loads of money for our charities, it really does mean so much to us. Maybe you should whisper in some peoples ears ;-).

Anyway, it has been a busy day and I am sure you are shattered after all the action!

We love you so much, we will keep trying to stay positive for you! I wish, I wish, I wish I could hold you again, it is so painful without you!

Night night Squidy

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy


Friday, 1 August 2014

Child of Moonlight

Hello Squidgy,

Mummy and Daddy came to see you again today, we had bought a few books earlier in the day to read to you when we come to see you and we read you "The Naughtiest Fairy", did you like that one? There were no fancy words to fall over so I think I did much better this time! I'm sorry we don't stay too long, it is hard seeing a mound of soil when we come to see you! Hopefully when your tree is planted it will be a bit easier!

Mummy and Daddy went for another run too today, we didn't go as far but we ran more that we did on Monday, we will be super fit in no time! Mummy needs to make sure she is as healthy as she can be so if we are lucky enough to fall pregnant again baby number three has the best chance of survival! Plus both Mummy and Daddy need to be fit for their challenges :-)! Mummy is doing her first mini challenge tomorrow, she is going to doing a 10m leap of faith jump... Scary! Not as scary as what we have been through though... Wish mummy luck!

Not much else to report my darling so I will sing you to sleep...

Child of Moonlight

You are my child of moonlight
You call the angels down.
There is a peace within my heart
Whenever you’re around
The stars at night they all shine bright
And darling so do you
You are my child of moonlight and I’ll always love you

You are my child of shooting stars
You are my wish come true
My heart had never held such love
Until my arms held you

The stars at night they all shine bright
And darling so do you
You are my child of moonlight and I’ll always love you.
The stars at night they all shine bright
And darling so do you
You are my child of moonlight and I’ll always love you.

How I wish I could really sing you to sleep!

Love eternal sweetheart!

Mummy and Daddy