Did you like the letter Daddy wrote to you? It was lovely wasn't it. He found it hard to write and even harder to read but I think it helped him a little.
Mummy has gone backwards over the last few days, reality has hit, bang, I have suffered another blow to the heart, you aren't coming home! I think back to the last few weeks of pregnancy, I was so looking forward to not being pregnant so that I could sleep on my back and not suffer the pain in my hips every night. I couldn't wait to have my post pregnancy meal of runny eggs on toast, tiramisu and a glass of wine and I was looking forward to a steam in our hot tub (it's a blow up one...). Now, now... I would go through months of sickness, endless sleepless nights and endure all the other pregnancy symptoms and I wouldn't so much as make a sound. I would do anything to be there again, for you to be there again. I know the latter cannot happen but I hope, I pray, I wish everyday that the other will come true, I have a child to love but I need a child to hold.
Mummy found support through my forum friends this week, it seems so strange that I am able to share all of my private thoughts and emotions both on here and with people I have never met and yet I find it so desperately hard to be honest with the people who have known me my whole life or at least some of it. So many times I wanted to air it all on Facebook, tell everyone exactly how I feel, let everyone see how hard this is, how much it hurts, how broken I really am. So many times I have wanted to pick up the phone and just cry until all the water has left my body but I can't for fear of over sharing or something far worse, the fear of no response. Mummy thought about writing an open letter to her friends, I have added it below, can you tell me what you think?
Thank you, we love you, your support and care at this devastating time has been amazing, we are lucky to have you.
You have offered us your help but don't be offended if we do not take you up on it, we can't, to ask would require more energy than we have. You have said please call me if you need me, we want to, really we do but we are scared of being an inconvenience. You have said let me know when you are free and we will meet up, we would love to see you but we cannot call to say let's do something tonight for fear that you will be busy.
Grief comes and goes, when we feel the most pain we are unable to reach out, our bodies are consumed. On easier days it still takes all the energy we have to function like you do on a lazy day. Loss is tiring, it demands so much of us, we are sorry it is this way.
Please do not take any offence to this letter, we know you are doing your best and like I said WE LOVE YOU. Call us, we will answer if we can, invite us out, if we feel ready we will come, come round and do my washing up... I hate that! We might cry, it might be hard for you to see us in pain but we need to do that. We need to grieve. We also need to smile, we need to know what is happening in your lives because we care and even though we have a new normal we still like to experience yours.
Thank you, we love you, we are lucky to have you.
Sarah & Paul xxxxxx
Do you think that is ok sweetie? Mummy and Daddy just want people to know how we feel. We do not mean to ignore them and we do not want them to feel scared around us, we wouldn't have known what to say if this had happened to anyone else. Mummy hopes it doesn't upset anyone.
Mummy hopes you have had a nice day with all the other angel babies, say hello to them from us.
Mummy and Daddy