To my dearest Ophelia,
I miss you darling, I wonder what we would have done today. Maybe we would have gone swimming together for the first time, maybe Tilly and Finn would have come too. Maybe we would have gone shopping for some holiday clothes for you or just gone for a walk in the park. I would have loved doing all of those things!
Mummy did go shopping today and I saw the prettiest pink dress out of the corner of my eye as I was looking, or pretending to look at holiday cover ups (I didn't buy one Paul, I have loads!!). I couldn't move, my feet had frozen, my body was stiff and my eyes, my eyes just stared! Only two months ago, I would have bought that dress immediately, taken it home and washed it ready for you to wear. Now, all I could do was imagine what might have been, wonder if I would ever be able to buy that dress and hated all the women around me who could! To make matters worse the lady who had run the antenatal classes was stood in the queue for the checkout. It is so strange, you would think I would run but I wanted her to see me. I wanted her to ask me how my baby was doing. I wanted to tell her what had happened. I wanted her to share in my grief even if only for a second! She didn't see me, or at least if she did, she ignored me. My grief is all mine still.
Mummy is sorry these letters have gotten darker again Ophelia, I wish it were so very different. Maybe it is because we go on holiday on Saturday. To an outsider it is the dream holiday, a week in sunny Barbados, a treat so many will never experience. To me, it is something else I shouldn't be doing, it is another week without you, it is another hurdle. Yes, I am sure it will be "nice", I am sure it will be "relaxing" but I think some people believe we will be fixed when we come back. Let me say this now, we will never be fixed and honestly, I don't want to be. To be fixed would be to forget you, that will never, ever happen... "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be!" (Roger Knapp)
We will come and bring you some flowers and read you a story tomorrow before we go. I am sorry we won't be able to see you whilst we are away, maybe one of you grandparents might if we ask them too. Thanks to your Nanna & Poppy Angelinetta and also all your friends at Mummy's work we are going to get you a bench to put on your plot so we have somewhere to sit, I will let you know when that is on it's way.
Mummy is crying again (not a day has gone by that I haven't) so I will go.
I miss you, nothing is the same without you.
Mummy and Daddy