Does anyone have a time machine?

Hello Squidgy,

I miss you so much, I just can't believe you were so cruelly snatched away from us! PLEASE WILL SOMEONE MAKE A TIME MACHINE?! I just have this overwhelming feeling that you would be here, healthy if you had just been born two days earlier! That is almost impossible to live with!

Today was slightly more productive than yesterday and Monday, Daddy was in the garden again and Mummy put together a new blog page called "Face your fears for Ophelia". Mummy and Daddy are going to do a series of challenges that we are scared of in order to raise money for SANDS and Children are Butterflies. Mummy is planning to do a few heights challenges and Daddy is going to do something to do with flying but I will tell you more about that once we have things sorted out!

Jane came to see us this afternoon, she had just come back from a week's holiday with her family, she had a nice time! We all chatted about how things were going and how Mummy and Daddy were feeling, we also spoke about when your post mortem results would be back, hopefully it should only be another couple of weeks, maybe we will get some answers then. I am scared that it will be to do with the cord being around your neck, how do we deal with that? It was meant to keep you alive, not kill you! Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggghhh, THIS SHOULDN'T BE HAPPENING! I shouldn't be thinking about post mortem results, or anew pregnancy, or baby names, you were meant to be here!

Jane stayed for about an hour or so and just before she left she asked if she could have a copy of your bum picture we have on the mantelpiece, she said she hadn't seen one like that and could use it in future training sessions to show midwifes different sorts of pictures to take for the memory box. She also wants it for a video that they are sending to consultants etc to show the real side of baby loss, hopefully they will take notice!

Not long after Jane left Mummy and Daddy had to go to their first SANDS support group meeting, both of us were really apprehensive. We imagined it to be a large dark room with a lectern at the front and a row of plastic chairs with each couple sat miles from each other. Each couple would then be called up to the lectern and asked to share their story, "Hi my name is Sarah and my daughter was stillborn!" Scary! It was nothing like that at all thankfully. The ladies that ran the sessions immediately made us feel at ease and we laughed way before we cried! Each of the couples that came to the session were completely normal and very welcoming, a far cry from what we had imagined. Mummy and Daddy left feeling like we had found a place to go, we are really pleased we went. Everyone loved you name too :-).

It was late when Mummy and Daddy got home but we weren't that tired so we found an amazing film to watch... Two Headed Shark Attack! Winner!

It is really late now so I will say goodnight! Mummy and Daddy will come and see you tomorrow and read you another story.

Massive squeeze!!!

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

https://www.uk-sands.org
http://www.childrenarebutterflies.org.uk

Running

Hello Poppet,

The past couple of days haven't really been that exciting for Mummy and Daddy, we went for a run on Monday morning, Mummy did ok considering I gave birth 3 1/2 weeks ago! I think some people forget that sometimes, that I did actually give birth, I did bring you into the world and even though it wasn't the outcome we had wanted or expected, I did still feel excited at the prospect of seeing you, I did feel pretty proud of myself for having gone through birth without screaming the house down!

Daddy spent the afternoon in the garden digging up the weeds and overgrown plants, next summer we will have a lovely, easy to manage garden with a beautiful Ophelia Rose at the centre! Mummy couldn't tell you want she did, read, looked on the SANDS forum, cried... Same old!

Daddy and I went to bed relatively early and laid in bed talking about you with your blanket in between us both, as it is every night. When we were all in the hospital you had nose bleeds if your head wasn't completely supported or was not in the right position, I would get upset whenever you had one and worry if some got on to your clothes because I wanted to make sure everything we had of yours was perfect. Some blood got onto your blanket, in the hospital it upset me but now it is the part I love the most, it says "Ophelia was 'ere", it proves you existed and it wasn't all a dream!

Today was similar to yesterday, Daddy worked in the garden whilst Mummy looked at holidays and forums, holidays and forums on the internet! The forums really do seem to help Mummy, it is nice to be anonymous and just let it out.

Mummy and Daddy decided to go for some lunch so we found a new pub, The Greyhound in Milton Malsor. Mummy and Daddy find it hard to go to our usual places, people knew we were expecting and they would ask questions...

"Oh, have you had the baby, what did you have?"
"Where is the baby?"

We haven't been faced with those questions yet, how do we answer them? The truth...

"We had a girl, she was dead"
"Green burial ground in Olney"

Now that is a conversation killer! Mummy and Daddy do need to think about how to answer those questions, we wish we didn't!

After lunch Mummy and Daddy went in to town and just walked about for a bit, Mummy bought a dress for the holiday that hasn't been booked yet, hopefully we will get it booked by the end of the week. We came home soon after that, once again, I am not sure what we did, sat in silence, stared at the walls, cried.

Anyway we are tired from all the activities and you must be tired from hearing about them all ;-).

Goodnight sweetheart, we miss you terribly.

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

https://www.uk-sands.org
http://www.childrenarebutterflies.org.uk

A lullaby

Hello Squidgy,

When Mummy was pregnant with you she dreamed of nights alone with you, singing lullabies and reading to you. I cannot hold you in my arms but I can sing you a lullaby so here goes... It is one of Mummy's favourites, I really hope you like it.

Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high

There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby

Somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue

And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true

Someday I'll wish upon a star

And wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow, bluebirds fly

Birds fly over the rainbow
Why then, oh why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly

Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why, can't I?

One day Mummy and Daddy will be able to fly just like you and we will fly with you anywhere.

We love you, we miss you, we ache for you!

Sweet dreams.

Love eternal.

Mummy and Daddy 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

https://www.uk-sands.org

http://www.childrenarebutterflies.org.uk

Your Nursery

Hello Beautiful,

The past couple of days have been, surprisingly, hard! It's not surprising really, it is just Mummy and Daddy's life now! Mummy has been struggling as her brain has been playing a new trick in which I feel like NONE of it ever happened, like the pregnancy was just a big lie, like all the hopes we had for our future with you were just make-believe! Then, of course, I see your picture and I feel completely shattered for feeling like that! It makes me feel like I am forgetting you, which I know is completely impossible, but the guilt overwhelms me! Please know, my angel, that I could never forget you, I just think it is a coping mechanism so that I can actually function for a bit.

Mummy and Daddy came to see you today, Daddy read you the "Frog Prince", did you like it? You Fauntie Chloe and Funkle Nic Nic came to see you too, they brought you two pink roses and put them on your grave, it is looking very pretty! We saw lots of Butterflies flitting around too, we always smile and think of you, we know you are with us when we see one! Daddy and I talked about what we will do with your plot once it has settled, we might get a bench so we can sit with you for longer, Mummy hates leaving you there! I know I say it a lot but I would do anything to be able to have you here, at home, with us!

During the time you were in Mummy's belly, Mummy and Daddy spent a lot of time getting your nursery ready, it looked so delightful when it was finished! Mummy and Daddy loved going in there, we would imagine you sleeping in your cot, or playing with your toys, it made us so excited! That door is permanently closed and we live in a two bedroom house now! Our future was behind that door, now it just reminds us of how naive we were and how far we are from our dream coming true! Pregnancy, if it finds us, will never be like it is for most expectant parents, it will be full of worry, full of questions, full of fear, the joy of making a life has been snatched from us forever! Mummy worries that the mother I would have been to you has also died, would I worry about every little thing if we were to be blessed with our rainbow? Would I smother them? Would I end up pushing them away because I would want to hold them forever? Your loss will effect us in so many ways Ophelia, we are still hopeful though and so very thankful we were able to have you, even if it was fleeting!

As you know, Mummy has found it hard to talk about her feelings, she doesn't want to burden anyone or go on but she has found a few people who have been through babyloss and it is really helping to hear how they have coped! It helps to make sense of my feelings! I hope one day Mummy and Daddy will find our own way of coping and whilst you will always be part of us, part of our family, we will find a way to truly enjoy life again, we know you want that for us.

I wish I could express how much we love and miss you, maybe if you knew that you would be able to come back?! I am not sure I can face the rest of my life without you!

I wish it was different.

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

https://www.uk-sands.org
http://www.childrenarebutterflies.org.uk

This pain is excruciating!

Dear Ophelia,

Please can you come home now?

Love you so much,

Mummy and Daddy

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

https://www.uk-sands.org/
www.childrenarebutterflies.org.uk/
 

Getting our Punt on!

Hello Beautiful,

How are things up there? I hope you are being looked after and you are getting lots of kisses and cuddles from the other angels!

Mummy and Daddy got up early today and drove over to Olney to come and see you, we brought the flowers that Fauntie Chloe and Funkle Nic Nic had bought for you on Wednesday, they said that they are sorry they couldn't come to say goodbye, they are going to come to see you on Sunday with Mummy and Daddy. Mummy had wanted to read you a story so I found Cinderella online and bought my iPad with me. We arrived at your grave and were overcome with emotions, it is just such a small grave, you shouldn't be in it, we are angry with the world that you are!!! We both said hello and sat down in front of you and Mummy read Cinderella to you. It was a bit of a fancy version and Mummy kept stumbling over some of the language, did you notice? I hope you liked the story, Mummy thought it was quite fitting as you would have been just as pretty as Cinder's, I am sure Prince George would have invited you to the Palace ;-)!

The lady from the office had noticed we were with you and brought down the proofs for you heart plaque for Mummy and Daddy to choose from, we chose the first option which will hopefully be ready in around 3 weeks or so. Mummy and Daddy will place into your plot as soon as we have it, we hope that is ok with you?

How do you like your new home? We hope you are nice and comfortable and warm! Mummy knows that you are safe at the burial ground but I cannot help but worry that you are cold or that you are scared, I hate it that I had to leave you there!

After we came to see you we had arranged to meet the Angelinetta side of the family, it is your Grandparents Ruby Wedding Anniversary on Sunday so we all went to Cambridge to go Punting. Mummy and Daddy had thought of the idea, it was something we hadn't done before so thought it would be perfect as we were keeping our promise to you. It took a while to get there so we went for lunch first, we found a pub that allowed us to bring Marley in and took a seat outside. There was an offer on, a sandwich, side and a drink for £5.99 so most of us did that. Mummy had asked for a Hallumi sandwich, chips and a white wine, when it arrived we all had to laugh as there on my tiny plate was just 9 chips, one of which had been squashed by the waitress, also my wine was VILE, it must have been Tesco Value... maybe the offer wasn't so great after all! Oh well, who cares really?!

After lunch we went down to the river and sorted out a Punt for us to use ourselves. Your Uncle Tom took on the role of "Punter" first and he was, rubbish! I think he thought we were playing ping pong as we just zigzagged our way down the river, it was very funny though! It was so nice for Mummy and Daddy to really laugh and forget the pain for a bit! Eventually Daddy and Uncle Tom swapped roles and Daddy took on the role of "Ultimate Punter" he was actually pretty good and manage to get us back to the station with relative ease, it really was good fun! I don't think you would have enjoyed it if you were there in person, you would have been sick from all the to'ing and fro'ing, I hoped your spiritual self enjoyed it though! I'm not sure Marley enjoyed it much she kept trying to climb out of the boat!

We decided to go for another drink afterwards, on the way we had a walk through Cambridge and saw Kings College, it really is a beautiful place, loads of character and amazing architecture. Daddy and I think you would have been a student in Cambridge! We all got a drink at the pub and made a toast to you. Mummy felt sad because she had felt guilty for laughing and joking around when you weren't there. It is so hard because sometimes I feel like none of it has happened, then I see your picture flash up on my phone and I hate myself for feeling that way, how could I feel like that for even a second?! I miss you so much that I think it is just my minds way of coping with the unbearable loss and the gaping hole you have left behind. Mummy didn't say much after that, I was consumed by you and my desire for you, please come back, please!

When we got home, your Daddy and I were pretty tired so just chilled out in front of the TV before going to bed.

Thank you for making sure today was a nice day, you are amazing! Speak to you tomorrow.

Love eternal.

Mummy and Daddy

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

https://www.uk-sands.org
http://www.childrenarebutterflies.org.uk

Missing you

To our dear Ophelia Lily,

Today was a mixture of emotions, most of the day your Mummy and Daddy felt ok, we decided to go for some food and chose to go to Byron Burger. Mummy had a mushroom burger, Daddy had a bacon cheeseburger, the food was nice but the service was dreadful! All the staff were stressed out and arguing in front of customers, I felt like telling them to sort their lives out! Seriously, you are stressing yourselves out of burgers and fries... If we can sit here with a smile on our faces, you certainly can! I don't have any patience for pathetic squabbles or people moaning over spilt milk!

Anyway.... The rest of the day was uneventful, Mummy and Daddy were not really with it, we just felt a bit numb after yesterday. Mummy and Daddy talked about what you might have been, we thought you would have been fiercely independent, incredibly pretty, wonderfully kind and you would have been a right trendsetter too! We also agreed you probably would have been a pro-skater, far better than that Rowley dude!!! It made us happy to think of what you might of been, it also made us painfully sad! It would have been amazing to watch you grow, we hate that we won't be able to.

Daddy and I have hard a hard few days so we are off to bed but Mummy wanted to share a poem that she had written about you, I hope you like it and it isn't too rubbish....

Missing You - Sarah Hancon

I kiss your lips
I kiss your cheeks
Glass and paper keep me from you.

I read you a story
I sing you a song
Wicker and soil keep me from you.

I take in your smell
I take in your smell
Cardboard and plastic keep me from you.

I whisper Good Morning
I whimper Good Night
I miss you my darling
You are my light.

Anyway, I have probably embarassed both of us...

We love you SO much.

Goodnight sweetheart.

Mummy and Daddy

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Your day

Hello Lily-Bop,

 

How does Mummy tell you about the last couple of days? About the day we laid you to rest? About the day that broke your Mummy and Daddy's hearts all over again?

Tuesday morning was hard for Mummy, she just sobbed and sobbed. Mummy's brain just keeps playing tricks on her and coming to terms with your absence from my tummy and our house is so very difficult. If you were still alive you would certainly be with us by now and our phone would be ringing off the hook with people wanting to meet you. It is such an awful shame, you would have loved them all.

Daddy wanted to get a new, colourful shirt for your funeral so we went to Next near our house to try to find one. We walked around the shop like zombies, not really looking at anything, only really noticing the one thing that brought us the most anguish... baby things! Daddy and I wandered around the men's department a few times but only really noticed one shirt, Daddy decided to buy it. We left the shop and came back home and waited for my doctors appointment.

Once out of the doctors, Mummy had a call from Caroline, she would be round to see us in around 30 minutes time. Caroline is going to have an operation on Friday and will not be back at work for a few weeks so it was nice to see her again before she goes off. Once again she put Mummy and Daddy's mind at rest with a few questions we had, including when we will get your post-mortem results. We should get a letter in the next couple of weeks inviting us to come to the hospital for an appointment with a consultant. Hopefully we will get some answers as why you could not stay here with us. I hope we do and are not left with no explanation, that would just add to our distress.

The rest of the day was a mixture of tears and anxiety as your funeral got closer and closer. Mummy wrote an email to SANDS to try and release some of the frustration and pent up emotions and then her and Daddy went up to bed for what would surely be a difficult night.

Mummy and Daddy woke up this morning having, surprisingly had a pretty good night's sleep but as soon as they woke up the panic set it. Daddy and I just wanted to hide away in our room and pretend that all of this wasn't happening. We knew we couldn't do that, we had to be strong for you and give you the best day we could.

We got up and got ourselves ready, Mummy spent about an hour curling her hair (only for it to drop out around halfway through the day, boooooooo) and even painted her nails glittery pink for you. We both wanted to look good for you, I hope we did!

Once we were ready we sat and had a cup of tea to help calm us down before Ann arrived to pick us up, it didn't help. Both Daddy and I were really scared of seeing your little coffin, we had such an awful image in our minds of what it would be like. Daddy started to pace the room and Mummy just sat on the coffee table tapping her feet, I'm sure we looked quite funny to you. Ann arrived at 12.30pm on the dot, walking out to the car was one of the scariest moments of Mummy and Daddy's life, no parent should see their child's coffin. Mummy rounded the corner and there, right in front of me was the funeral car with your tiny casket inside. I walked down the steps, tear flowing down my face and saw two men in a Carlsberg Van gawking, followed by two women across the road stopping and staring into the car. Do one you inconsiderate arseholes, have a little respect!

Ann gave me a hug and eased me into the car, your casket next to me. It was wicker and had pink ribbons tied around it and your name engraved on a small wooden plaque. I quickly realised that I had nothing to be scared of, it was just your new cozy bed to sleep in and you, at last were with us again. As we left Northampton Daddy read you "The Gruffalo", a present from your Fauntie Tilly, he was so brave and didn't cry once. Mummy would have soaked you if she had of read it! Did you like the story? We have left it with you to remember us by.

Not long after that we arrived at the church, our families stood outside ready to offer us some much needed support. Ann asked Daddy if he wanted to carry you in and he accepted immediately. Ann then passed Mummy the flowers we had bought for you and we were ready to go in. Once we reached the doors to the Church the song that Mummy had sang to you when she had first found out you were on the way came on, it is a very special song to Mummy (and Daddy too now) and once again I couldn't hold back the tears.

The church was full of people but the mixture of tears, anxiety and determination to get to the front of the Church without breaking down completely meant we didn't really see anyone. We placed you on the table at the front of the Church, gentled stroked your casket and took our seats. The service was lovely, your Auntie Heather read a poem for you, then the vicar read a story about Waterbugs and Dragonflies and the full version of "Twinkle Twinkle" was played. It was beautiful.

It was time for us to leave the Church and head for the burial ground, another song Mummy had sung to you was played as we walked out of the Church. Daddy was being so strong, he held you in his arms and proudly walked with you to the car, he really is so proud of you! Once again Mummy and Daddy only saw a few people, it was all very overwhelming but we were so touched by the number of people that had come to say goodbye to you. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Once we arrived at the burial ground we had some time with you before everyone else arrived, it was nice to have that time, we just told you we loved and missed you, did you hear? Everyone arrived and we walked with you to your graveside, there was a butterfly flying with us, we know that was you, thank you sweetie for coming to say hello. The vicar delivered the final part of the service, although Mummy does not remember any of it, watching your wicker bed being lowered into the ground broke our hearts. We want you back!

All your family and closest friends placed a single red rose on top of you and sent their love and it was time to say our goodbyes. Mummy needed to wait until everyone had made their way back to their cars to say goodnight, I just wanted you all to myself one last time (Daddy was there of course though). Mummy and Daddy sprinkled some of your favourite flower, lavender over you and whispered sweet nothings and started the hard walk back to the car without you. We know we have a hard time ahead but knowing you are finally at peace gives us some closure, you have a place now and you are all tucked in.

We got back in the car Ann had left a memory box for us, it was full of things to remind us of you, you have some of the items with you too, we hope you like them. Then we made our way back to your Grandma and Grampa H's house for some food and to release all the pretty balloons your other Grandparents had bought for you. We all talked for a while about anything and everything, you included. It was nice to see all our friends and know they are there for us. Someone had told us there was a Butterfly in the Church before the service, you really were there weren't you? We then went out to the back garden to release the balloons, Daddy made a toast to you and we all let them fly above our heads, it was beautiful. Just. Like. You.

It was getting late and everyone shad children and lives to get back to so your Daddy and I thanked them each for coming and arranged to go home too. We bought some wine on the way home, knowing we would need to take the edge off later, it had been a lovely, horrible day for us both.

We sat with Heather for a while before she went home to fast for a blood test tomorrow, then it was just your Daddy and I. We made a private toast to you, watched Blue Jasmine (which is actually very good, Cate Blanchet was amazing in it) and now we are ready to go to bed.

We hope you liked your day gorgeous, we will come and see you in the next couple of days.

Sleep well for now and I will speak to you again tomorrow.

Love eternal.

Mummy and Daddy

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

"A Thousand Years" - Christina Perri

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave?
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall?
But watching you stand alone,
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow.

One step closer

I have died every day waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

I have died every day waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

I have died every day waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

https://www.uk-sands.org/
www.childrenarebutterflies.org.uk/

Cheers Sweetheart

To our beautiful angel girl,

Rest in peace sweetheart! Mummy and Daddy love you with all our hearts!

We will miss you forever but now we have a place to come and see you, a place to tell you all our stories, a place for you to see Marley again, a place to remember you, a place just for us!

Mummy will tell you all about your day tomorrow but for now you are all tucked in and snuggled so we will say goodnight.

Love everlasting.

Mummy and Daddy

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Plot Number 28

Hello Beautiful,

Today was another hard day for Mummy and Daddy, we had to go to the burial ground to pick out your plot. It was heart wrenching, how do we choose somewhere to bury you? It is unnatural, we didn't sign up for you dying!

We got to the site and took a walk around with a lady from the burial ground, she told us about the trees we could choose and let us know that when they are ready to be planted in November that we can come back and help. She showed us the available plots and we ended up choosing one that was a slightly different shape to all the other plots, it was more triangular, we thought you wouldn't get so lost there. The plot is next to a couple of older couples, we thought they might be able to look after you until we meet again, we hope you like it there.

We also chose a plaque for you, it is heart shaped and we have asked for the following to be engraved onto it:

Ophelia Lily Hancon

07/07/2014

Our diamond in the sky

We have also asked if they can add a small star to it too. Hopefully that will be ready soon, we think you will love it.

After Mummy and Daddy left we didn't want to go back home, home is our sanctuary but it also hard to be there sometimes as it has so many memories, good and bad and being cooped up there can make Mummy and Daddy feel sadder. We though we could go to the cinema, take our minds off everything that is going on and just sit there. We decided to go an watch Planet of the Apes, we thought it would be a safe bet but WHAM, around 10 minutes in a Ape gives birth! Newborn ape babies, not even real ones, are just as upsetting as newborn human baby it seems! Babies are EVERYWHERE, they just aren't here, at home with us, like you should be.

The film was pretty good though and for the most part did the trick, it gave us a couple of hours off from our pain. We got home, were greeted by an extremely excitable Marley, it was like we hadn't seen her for a week! That is one of Mummy and Daddy's favourite things about Marlon Brando (her nickname courtesy of Auntie Heather), she is always so happy to see us, even if we just leave the room for two minutes. She would have upped her excitement levels for you I am sure, she would have lost her tiny little mind over you.

Most of the evening just went by in a haze, Mummy doesn't remember much other than she has found a new website called "Glow in the Woods", it is for Mummy's and Daddy's just like us. Mummy posted a new thread asking for some support and we have had some lovely responses so far, it is nice to feel like we have a place to go. Hopefully those places will keep growing too after the SANDS meeting next Wednesday.

Mummy has a doctors appointment tomorrow and Caroline is coming round too so Mummy had better try and get some sleep, she knows she probably will not get any on Tuesday night...

I wish this wasn't happening, I wish I could change things, I wish, I wish, I wish.

Love you squidgy!

Kiss Kiss Kiss

Mummy and Daddy

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

https://www.uk-sands.org/

www.childrenarebutterflies.org.uk

 

Butterflies

Hello little one,

Miss you!

So today we went to a Butterfly release organised by Ann's charity Children are Butterflies and we release one in your name. Mummy had though the event started at 2pm so was taking a long bath at around 11am, Daddy then got up a little panicked saying we needed to go soon.

"It starts at 2pm baby" Mummy said to Daddy

"I am pretty sure it starts at 12pm" Daddy said as he ran downstairs to get the invite. "Yup, it is 12pm and it will take us 30 minutes to get there!"

"Oh bum" Mummy said as she quickly hauled herself out of the bath "I will be as quick as I can!" Mummy was ready in 10 minutes, not much point putting make up on now, I just cry it off anyway.

We got in the car, swung over to M&S and bought some stuff to nibble on whilst we were there and headed to Ivy Cottage. There we were on another drive to somewhere we shouldn't be going. Mummy keeps imagining you in the back in your lovely multicoloured car seat staring at the spiral toy we had bought for you. For a second you are there, for a second Mummy forgets, for a second we are on our way to a friends house to introduce you to them. BANG! Reality hits Mummy straight in the face, you aren't in your car seat, that's locked away at home, we aren't on our way to show you off to our friends, we are going to a Butterfly release organised to remember dead children. We are going there to remember our dead child, you, our baby who was never given a chance.

Mummy and Daddy kept going, kept moving forward, we had made the decision to go and no matter how hard it was going to be we had to push ourselves to do it, for you. You deserved that Butterfly.

We arrived and Ann greeted us immediately, she asked how Mummy and Daddy were and hugged Mummy, tears instantly fell from my face. She knows the heartache we feel, Mummy feels safe around her. "We're not good!" Mummy said. Ann just hugged tighter. Then Mummy asked the question, the question that had been worrying her since the moment we left the funeral directors last week...

"What does she look like?" You had returned from Oxford and Ann and her team had collected you and taken you back to the funeral home.

"She is still beautiful however, I know the picture you have of her in your mind and I think if you saw her again your picture would be ruined as she has deteriorated." That was hard to hear, another reality check...

"Hello you there with the rose-tinted glasses, your baby isn't coming back!!" A voice screamed in my head. Everywhere we turn there is another stab of reality.

If I am honest though sweetheart and please do not take this as Mummy and Daddy loving you less or not caring as much (you will never truly know how much we love and care about you because there is no limit), but we had wanted to be told not to see you. That way we didn't have to make the decision, we couldn't stand it if we made the wrong one. That doesn't make it any easier though, Mummy and Daddy would do anything to see you again but we can't see you looking like you are in pain, that would finish us off I think.

Ann told us about a few of the people there, most were a lot further along in there grief but could offer advise if we wanted but she said for us to just go at our own pace. Mummy and Daddy decided to sit under a quiet tree and just take everything in, it was a bit overwhelming and I don't think either of us could have coped with the questions if we had sat in the thick of it all, not this time at least. We just needed to see what it was all about.

We got the picnic blanket out and sat down, we noticed that we were the only couple there without children and instead of being upset by that it gave us hope. Had this have been a village fete and there had been as many children I think Daddy and I would have left but knowing all of the people around us had lost a child the fact that they had other children made us happy, it made us feel positive about our future. Who knows, next year we might be releasing a Butterfly for you with your baby brother or sister in tow. I hope for that.

Then came the time to release the Butterflies, your name was read out around halfway through, Mummy couldn't face going up to get the Butterfly (sorry sweetie) so Daddy went alone. Ann gave him the Butterfly, it must have been the rebel in the bunch as all the others had stuck around on peoples hands for a few seconds before flying off, but yours found a way out of Daddy's cupped hand before he had the chance to get back to Mummy. I always thought you would be a little rebel, I guess I was right. It did make me smile, you little rebel you! Mwah!!!

 

Daddy and I decided to leave not long after, it was quite emotional to say the least. We headed for a pub garden to have a drink and breathe. Our conversation was, as it always is now, about you and how we were feeling. We also talked about trying again and our fears surrounding that. If you could just make an angel wish for us to get pregnant again soon and bring your little brother or sister home that would be rad! Kiss kiss xx

We went for a long walk with Marley when we got home, I think we walked around 3 miles or so, Marley was exhausted when we got back. So were Mummy and Daddy really but don't tell anyone, we are super fit!

We are going to pick out your burial plot tomorrow, we will try to find you one where you will have lots of friends to look after you.

 We love you Ophelia, our lives aren't the same without you.

Love you, love you, love you!

Mummy and Daddy

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

https://www.uk-sands.org/
www.childrenarebutterflies.org.uk

10 things we love about you!

Hello Ophelia,

Today was probably one of the darkest day's Mummy has had, most of the morning was spend full body crying, the type of crying that forces you to make the weirdest sounds and sends jolts through your body. The type of crying that can make you sick. Mummy and Daddy miss you so much.

Neither Daddy or I wanted to do anything so we sat and read some of our books, Daddy's book is a collection of stories just like ours, Mummy's is about a lady who has experienced stillbirth but it is not centred around it. We hope they can help us on our journey a little.

I don't really remember much else, the days just seem to go by in a murky haze!

As I don't really have much to tell you about our day I thought I would tell you this...

10 things we love about you (this is in no particular order by the way!)

1. Your little button nose

2. Your little (large) feet
3. Your squidgy little bum
4. How cute you looked in EVERYTHING
5. Your lovely baby smell
6. Your gorgeous little hands
7. Your tiny little tummy
8. The joy you brought (bring) to our lives
9. The way you wriggled around inside your Mummy's tummy
10. The way you are so perfect.

We are going to release a butterfly in your name tomorrow, we hope you like that little one.

Remember, although we are sad Mummy and Daddy are so proud of you and we will never stop loving you.

Goodnight sweetheart.

Lots of love

Mummy and Daddy

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

https://www.uk-sands.org/

www.childrenarebutterflies.org.uk/

 

I hate this...

Hi there Squidge Face,

SHIT, this is hard! Mummy is sorry for swearing but it is! I just need to talk to people who understand, who know how it feels to loose a life before it had even begun. That is why I started this blog, to reach out, to find someone like us. Mummy can only give the lightest version of her pain to her friends and family, they are amazing but none of them understand, they tell me "She is with the angel's now" or "She will always be with you in your heart". I don't want you to be in either of those places, I want you here with me, in my arms, crying, screaming, pooing, I don't care. I just want to wake up from this nightmare, it is excruciating.

I feel myself slipping further and further back, censoring myself so people think I am doing ok. I'm not, Mummy is finding it hard to cope. I cry, all the time, I cry when I look at photos of you, I cry when I wake up, I cry when I go to the loo and I am cruelly reminded of the fact that I am not doing what I should be doing right now... Mothering you. I wish it would all just stop! Maybe Mummy should book an appointment at the doctors, get hold of some Prozac or Zanex to numb this pain. I am not strong enough for this. The thought that this grief is going to dominate my life for a long time to come makes me physically sick. Mummy is trying so hard to be strong for you sweetheart but I keep re-living your death every day, remembering that I will never see your little face again, that I will never see you grow, that I will never get to see you in your wedding dress. HELP ME, I AM DROWNING!

Daddy, Marley and I went to the beach again today, we wrote your name in the sand and looked out to sea. Daddy was upset and poor little Marley was getting a battering from the elements so we took a few photos and went back to the car to find somewhere to go for a coffee. We took a walk along Hunstanton beach and found a bench, Daddy and I sat there for a while, all we keep asking each other is WHY? Why us? Everyone else around us seem to be able to come home with healthy babies, why couldn't we? 100% of my pregnancies have ended in loosing a child, that doesn't fill me with hope for next time, if there is one.

 

 

Mummy has been researching when she and Daddy can start trying again, it is a minefield. Some places say whenever you feel ready, other say wait 3 months, some say 12 or 18 months. Both Daddy and I know we want conceive again as soon as possible, we aren't getting any younger and I think if we left it, we would find it very hard to start again. I just need some reassurance that we are at no more risk that any other couple to create that much yearned for living child. Caroline is coming on Tuesday so maybe I will talk to her then and she can help put my mind at rest a bit.

Mummy and Daddy left Hunstanton after we had finished our drinks, it looked like it was about to thrown down! We didn't talk much on the way home, it was fine though, we were both on the same page, our thoughts were solely on you. I keep thinking of your little arms, if you didn't have a hold of them they would just flop down by your side, nothing says dead like a lifeless arm. God, how I long for you to be alive, you would have had such an amazing life Ophelia, Mummy and Daddy would have made sure of it. Daddy certainly would have let any boys hurt you... he would have had "the chat" with them the second he met them! You are and will always be Daddy's little Princess.

When we got home we had had a few deliveries, some lovely gifts for us to remember you. The gifts are so very thoughtful but getting the number we got today, along with more sympathy cards was tough. These gifts shouldn't be in remembrance, you were an innocent baby, our innocent baby that we had waited so long for. Mummy was sick! Ophelia, please help Mummy, she needs to have a purpose, something to concentrate on other than the hurt. Going back to work isn't an option at the moment, I am not sure when I will be ready to do that. Everyone saw Mummy with your bump, they shared in my excitement and they couldn't wait to meet you. Everything will be different when I go back, I will be the lady that lost a baby, I will be pitied!

 

 

Mummy's mind seems to go at 100 miles an hour now, I find it hard to concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes and I am so forgetful, I think of something that needs to be done or something I want to write to you and seconds later I have forgotten. I am a goldfish. I promise you, Mummy is normally pretty organised. Mummy also used to brag that she had great comedy timing and should be a comedian. I know it is hard to imagine now but Mummy and Daddy used to laugh all the time, I hope we can find our way back to that.

I'm sorry for this letter sweetheart, it was as hard for me to write as it is for you to read. I promise the letters will not always be like this, some day, hopefully not too far away Mummy will be able to tell you about all the fun things we are doing, hopefully she will be able to tell you that you will soon have a little brother or sister. I hope. I hope. Hope is all I have.

I love you so much it hurts.

Mummy and Daddy

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

http://www.childrenarebutterflies.org.uk/
https://www.uk-sands.org/
 

Going away.

Hello Gorgeous,

So your Mummy and Daddy went away today, we are staying in a lovely hotel that your friend Rosie had recommended, it was called Titchwell Manor and it was right by the sea.

It took about 2 1/2 hours to get there from home, we listened to the radio and chatted about our future and what we hoped for it. It is so hard to talk about the future, Mummy and Daddy really want a healthy brother or sister for you but we have no idea if or when that will happen and that is scary. I think back to when I first found out I was pregnant with you, although over the moon because we had waited so long for those two blue lines, I was also petrified of loosing you. We had so many scans to make sure you were alright, it wasn't until I could feel you move that both Mummy and Daddy started to relax. Now we know that any subsequent pregnancies will be a very hard time for us, we won't want to prepare a nursery, we won't want to buy any clothes and we won't relax until our healthy baby is in our arms (I'm not really expecting to relax then either). Maybe you can help Mummy and Daddy with that Ophelia, just keep an eye over us if you can.

We arrived at the hotel around 1pm and we went straight to our room, it was very nice and had a huge bed, you would have liked it. The only downside to the room was both of the pictures were of children... Mummy and Daddy just had to remember not to look at them. The hotel staff loved Marley, they kept cooing over her, I am sure if you had been there they wouldn't have even noticed Marley. You were such a pretty baby, yes you were our baby so I am bias but everyone has said it, some babies aren't so lucky in the looks department when they are newborns, you were a stunner.

We dropped our bags in the room and decided to go for lunch, this would be the first proper lunch we would have since we lost you. We went to five different pubs before we found somewhere Mummy could eat at, clearly there are no vegetarians in Norfolk! The pub we did eventually eat at was pleasant and a couple from York told us the best beaches to go to, one of which was straight down from the pub so Daddy, Marley and I walked down after we had finished our food.

The tide was out so it was quite a long walk to get to the sea but we had promised you a little dip so off we went, Marley's little legs were tired after though. On the way down Mummy kept noticing what looked like worms in the wet sand, she didn't like it at all and kept trying to avoid them but they were everywhere. Daddy thought it was funny, Mummy skipping around the beach trying not to step on a worm! Some of the pools of water were also quite deep so Marley got quite wet, I am not sure she liked it at all, she kept trying to climb up Mummy's leg. Once we got to the sea, all three of us dipped our toes in the water and thought of you. The water was actually really warm, you would have liked the feeling I am sure.

 

 

We stayed for a bit and took in the sea air, then we made our way back to the hotel. Mummy had a bath and fell asleep for a bit, Daddy showered and watched the TV. I like it when I sleep, the pain goes away, it comes back as soon as I wake up though. I feel like I am never going to get through another day without crying, life without you is just heartbreaking. There will always be part of our family that is missing, that will never go away. I just hope we find a way to cope with that because at the moment we can't.

We decided to stay at the hotel for dinner, we sat outside and watched the sun setting, it was bright pink with orange tones stretching out across the sky, beautiful just like you, did you like it? Not long after we had ordered a young couple came in, the girl was about 6 months pregnant, Mummy cried. I was pregnant only two weeks ago, we were happily expecting your arrival, now we are a secret Mummy and Daddy mourning your departure. I wanted to scream "You're not safe! Your baby isn't safe until you have them crying in your arms! Don't take it for granted, EVER!" Why, if the placenta starts to decline at 37 weeks, are women left up until 42 week before labour is induced? Why aren't there more tests/checks done towards the end of the pregnancy to help avoid stillbirths like yours? It destroys me when I think about what happened to you, I just can't help but wonder if you were in pain, were you? I am told all you ever felt was love but they don't know any more than I do what you went through. I hope that love was all you ever felt and all you continue to feel as you leave this world.

I know we only lost you very recently but this pain is so strong. I wish I could fast forward to a time that your Daddy and I were happier, I hate knowing that all you see is sadness and grief. We miss you so much, you are our world.

Love you with every beat of our hearts.

Mummy and Daddy

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

https://www.uk-sands.org/
www.childrenarebutterflies.org.uk/

I am still scared....

To our darling Ophelia,

How are you today? I hope you are enjoying yourself wherever you are.

Daddy and I met with the vicar today, she seemed very nice and she has a wonderful service planned for you. There will be music, poems, stories and lots of your friends and family around to say goodbye. We also went to see the florist, we have picked out some very pretty flowers for you. Oh Ophelia, how I wish all of this was to welcome you in to the world not to send you on your way.

Everyday brings with it a new pain, something else we have to do without you. I hate that it is so easy for me to go and have a shower, that cleaning the house isn't an issue, that getting out the door is as simple as it has always been. I want the complete opposite of what I imagine every other mother wants, but that is the point, I can only imagine what it is like to be a Mummy, I wasn't given the chance. Why were you taken from us? Are we being punished for something, did we do something wrong? Are we not meant to have children?

I am so scared that we might not have another child, I am scared that if we are lucky enough that we will have to wait a long time, I am scared of carrying another baby and I am scared that I won't be able to see you in them. Please watch over us Ophelia, give Mummy and Daddy the opportunity and the strength to bring your baby brother or sister home one day. Mummy and Daddy are scared of being alone.

Your Nanny and Grandad moved into their new house today, so Mummy, Daddy and Marley went over to see it. I think you would have had fun playing in the garden with Marley. It is a very nice house, a fair bit smaller than the last one but lovely all the same. I wish you could have been there beautiful, I wish you could be with us all the time, I miss the feeling of holding you in my arms. This is torture!

I see so much hurt in the world, so many children are mistreated, so many people have no understanding of how lucky they are. We knew how lucky we were. We never would have done anything to hurt you, so why were you chosen to leave this world? I WANT TO SCREAM!!!!

It was the finale of 24 yesterday, Mummy and Daddy were DIS-A-POINTED! Such an anti-climax! Then again the whole series was really, note to producers... never shoot 24 outside of Los Angeles again! Anyway, I am sure you don't really care about 24, you are a bubba and don't really know what is going on. I just want to involve you in everything we do.

We are off to the seaside tomorrow, hopefully it will help us to clear our heads a bit and get ready for next week. We hope you like it.

Love you little one.

Mummy and Daddy

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

O.P.H.E.L.I.A

Hello Gorgeous,

Mummy and Daddy miss you.

We have managed to book somewhere away, we are going to go to Titchwell Manor on Thursday. We can take Marley with us which is great and we are going to go for a walk on the beach like we promised, we hope the water isn't too cold for you sweetheart.

This isn't fair, Mummy is trying so hard to get through with just your memory to hold on to but you SHOULD be here. You SHOULD be coming with us on Thursday and you SHOULD be able to feel the water on your toes. Mummy isn't coping very well with loosing you, we had dreamed of you for so long. I guess we will just have to keep on dreaming.

Ann called Daddy and gave us a time for your funeral, it is 23 July at 1pm. I am sure the service will be beautiful and a lot of your family and friends will be there but Mummy is dreading it. Dreading the journey to the church, dreading seeing your tiny coffin, dreading seeing you be put into the ground. I am so so sorry little one, if I could change this I would! In a nano-second!

Mummy will be wearing a beautiful necklace with your name on it though, Daddy bought it for me so I can have you close to my heart. We took a long time deciding over it, the chains Mummy had picked out didn't really work as the letters kept over lapping so you couldn't read them. Clever Daddy picked out a linked chain that we could put the charm letters onto individually, it is lovely. Now Mummy has two pretty necklaces to remind her of you, she is one lucky lady!

Fauntie Jody, Fauntie Chloe and Funkle Nic Nic (the Funkle bit seems to really suit Nic, not really sure why, I guess I think of a burley bearded man when I say the word Funkle, Nic is exactly that!) came over yesterday. It was nice to see them. We, as always, talked about you mostly but both Mummy and Daddy managed to laugh, not the fake laugh we muster sometimes but full belly laughs, it feels good to laugh. Fauntie Chloe and Funkle Nic Nic bought Daddy and I matching bracelets with a silver O that linked the straps, soon we will forget there are other letters in the English language, I am happy with that though as it was going to be Mummy's nickname for you when you were older! O, you can fill our house whenever you please.

Mummy and Daddy ordered a pizza, it made Mummy feel a bit guilty, take away was always a celebratory thing, like "It's Friday, lets get a Chinese!". Daddy made Mummy feel better though, he reminder her that she had eaten all day again and that really it was just fuel, plus he said you wouldn't want Mummy to feel guilty. I know you wouldn't sweetheart.

Love you little lamb!

Mummy and Daddy

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

https://www.uk-sands.org/
www.childrenarebutterflies.org.uk/

I'm Scared

Hello Angel,

How do I start to tell you about today, about the day your Mummy and Daddy registered your birth and death at the same time, about the day we walked into a funeral directors to talk about your burial?! It just felt like we were in a daze, going through the motions but not really there because this isn't really happening to us, is it? Yeah, there's the pain, it is!

Mummy and Daddy arrived at the registration appointment early but we were ushered straight in. The lady had bright red hair and seemed really nervous, she was certainly lacking a little in compassion. She sat us down and asked us a few questions, where you were born, what our jobs are, where we were born and a few other irrelevant questions. Then she started to print off the documents...

"I have forgotten the order I need to process these in" Mummy and Daddy let out a fake laugh, "I don't care, work it out" Mummy thought.

"Thankfully I do not have to do many of these so just trying to remind myself"

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!!! We are thankful that you don't have to do these very often but right now, right now, you are doing one for us, for the two devastated people right in front of you that have just lost their only child. I'm sorry Ophelia but Mummy could have knocked her out! She guessed she had probably said the wrong thing as her compassion levels rose a bit and she was far more mindful of what she said from then on.

Thankfully the appointment didn't take too long, it was really hard for Mummy and Daddy to speak so matter of factly about you, our gorgeous girl, our shining light. As we knew your funeral would be soon, Mummy wanted to get an outfit for it, an outfit that she would look pretty in for you so we wandered up to H&M. Mummy found a nice dress and a jacket, did you see? I hope I chose the right one, I just want you to be proud of me. As we were leaving we saw your Fauntie Chloe, she gave Mummy a big hug and asked how we were doing, it was nice to see her, even if only briefly.

It is so hard for Mummy and Daddy to answer that question, of course it is nice to be asked, it shows that we have people around us who care, but what do we say? How do we feel? Are we ok? No. Are we ok considering the heart-breaking circumstances? Yeah, I guess so. Are we ok considering Mummy has forgotten what her eyes really look like? Sure.

After the registration appointment Mummy and Daddy had the horror of going to see the funeral directors. We walked in and were shown through to a room at the front of building. Ann, the lady who will be looking after you walked in and introduced herself. We spoke about our plans for you and what we would like and she offered us a lot of help and guidance, Mummy and Daddy have never had to do this before so we really didn't know what to expect. Over the course of the appointment we started to realise what an amazing woman we were talking to. She too had lost babies, she too understood our pain and she too is trying to make a difference. The difference that she is making is simply incredible, she has set up a charity called "Children are Butterflies" (http://www.childrenarebutterflies.org.uk/) that helps out people just like us! We know she will look after you so well and keep you safe and we also know she will make sure you have the beautiful send off you deserve. Ann made a unbearable experience bearable! Thank you Ann! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Her charity has an event on Sunday which your Daddy and I plan to go to, it is a butterfly release and one will be released in your memory, does that sound nice sweetie? Mummy and Daddy like the idea.

One thing that has stayed with me since our appointment with Ann is, do we see you one last time or not? Ann had asked if we had wanted to see you and Mummy and Daddy hadn't thought that we could, so now we are faced with a real dilemma. Mummy and Daddy both want to see you, we want to be with you all the time but we had said goodbye to your body at the hospital, if we see you again will it just rip open the wound? If we don't see you again, touch your face, hold your hand, kiss your lips will we regret it forever? We might not be able to see you, you might have deteriorated so much that Ann might advise us against coming, is Mummy wrong to want that in some small way, for the decision to be made for us? Please tell Mummy and Daddy what you want us to do, please give us a sign because I am scared. Scared of doing the wrong thing. Scared of leaving you alone, scared of everything. We love you and we just want to do right by you.

After we got home we had a delivery, well we had two over the course of the day. My lovely friend Danny and his wife Leonnie had sent us an angel statue, releasing a butterfly no less, it is lovely so we have put it next to your vase in our room. We also had a card from Mummy's friend Rach, inside it was a lovely necklace with your name and beautiful face on it, so thoughtful. Mummy has it on right now :-). The cards and flowers keep coming too, we really are very lucky to have such kind, considerate family and friends, we cannot thank them enough. Without them the last week probably would have ruined us.

Once again the day had gotten away from us without us really realising. Maybe that's a good thing as everyday further from that day, the hardest day is a minute step closer to us finding our "new normal", a step closer to us finding a way to cope with the pain of loosing you and be, dare I say it, happy again.

Mummy and Daddy decided it was time to go to bed, before we did we got out the bag with your clothes in and we smelt them, they smell AMAZING! Marley loves the smell of her "Little Sister" too, as soon as I got the bag out she rushed across the bed and planted her head firmly in the bag. Ophelia, we wish you were here with us, we would have had so much fun together! Mummy and Daddy hope you are having fun wherever you are and we cannot wait to see you again!

 Mummy's heart is breaking again so I am going to say goodnight.

You are forever in our hearts.

We love you.

Mummy and Daddy

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

http://www.childrenarebutterflies.org.uk/

https://www.uk-sands.org/

 

The day that changed our lives forever

Hello Phe-Phe,

Mummy is up early again, sleep is a distant memory since last week, the most I can manage is around 4/5 hours. I am scared I think, scared that I do not dream of you (is that you, is it too early for Mummy to see you in that way?), scared of that moment after I wake up where everything is fine, where you are either in Mummy's tummy or you are in the Moses basket next to our bed. My tummy aches, you are not there, an empty space, your not there either. You. Are. Gone.

Tears come.

Last Sunday, Mummy woke up as normal around 8am, she got up to go to the bathroom, something felt different. Naively she shrugged it off, went downstairs and had breakfast. Something still felt different. Mummy poked her belly expecting the usual ripple, your leg stretching, your arm reaching out. Nothing. Something felt different. "Come on baby" was running through my head with each poke, it got faster and more desperate each time. I knew. I went to the bathroom, my tummy felt lighter, I knew.

I came downstairs, tears in my eyes, not wanting to believe it. Your Daddy looked at me and asked what was wrong. "She is not moving!". Daddy had heard these words before, but never accompanied with tears. "Everything is fine!".

"It's not!" Mummy thought.

"Do you want me to ring the hospital?" Daddy asked

Mummy nodded. She knew.

The hospital told us to come down, "We are sure everything is fine!" they had told Daddy.

We arrived just after 10am, the receptionist asked my name and told me not to worry, you were probably just in a deep sleep. They gave me a pot to go pee in and asked us to go through to the waiting room. Pregnant women. Happy pregnant women. Sad Mummy. They called us into a room, asked me to lie on the bed and got out the doppler. My heart was racing, please come up, please come up. Nothing.

"Don't worry! Don't worry! It could just be hiding." the midwife remarked. It wasn't hiding, I knew it wasn't hiding. Caroline had always found it first time. "I'm going to try a different one." Nothing. "Look, don't worry. I am going to get you in for a scan. Stay there one minute." We both knew, Daddy had been welcomed into the nightmare.

They ushered us into the room with the scanner, I led down, Maria came in, turned on the machine and put the jelly on my tummy. "I need to get the doctor." We had been here before, two years and 5 days ago. We knew. The doctor came in, looked and nodded. No one was saying anything. I did. "There is no heartbeat is there?".

"No."

Tears. Tears that haven't stopped. Tears that just get stronger and stronger, bigger and bigger. Once again we had lost the most precious thing in the world to us and our hearts just shattered. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" I kept saying to you, to Daddy, I had let you both down.

Hand holding. Hugs. Chatter about what to do next. We. Had. Lost. You.

We were taken to a room out the back of the ward, away from everyone. I rang your Nanna, no answer. I rang your Grandad, phone off. I rang your Auntie Heather. "Yes????" Heather is going to go and live in the States for two years on 6 August so I had asked her to be a birthing partner, she was expecting me to say "It's happening..."

"We've lost the baby!"

"Sorry, what?"

"We have lost the baby!"

"Oh god!"

Oh god! My head was spinning, this was a dream, yup, I'm sure, this is a dream. Daddy couldn't bring himself to tell his parents he had lost his baby girl, he was broken. Mummy had broken him.

Mummy's family came, tears rolling down their faces. "What happened? What happens now?" Silence.

Daddy told them I would be induced and that within the next 36 hours give birth to you, our sleeping baby. Our gorgeous girl had died.

We were taken to another room, a room next to a couple with a crying baby. Agony. The hospital had tried hard to get us a private room until the room you would eventually be born in, the Snowdrop Suite, which is used solely in situations like ours was ready, this was the best they could do. The midwife was lovely, telling us what was going to happen, comforting us, offering us food/water/anything to make us more comfortable. Here is what could make me more comfortable, my baby, my baby being ALIVE! This is a really long dream...

Eventually around 4pm we were taken to the Snowdrop Suite, it had a kitchen, an en-suite, a TV, some chairs and a garden. All Mummy really saw was the bed. That bed. The bed I would give birth to you on, the bed I would loose you forever on. It's not a dream. I. Am. Terrified.

Daddy. Is. Terrified.

Midwives came and went, blood pressure checks every hour or so. Sleeping tablets. No sleep. Tomorrow was going to be worse than today, tomorrow was the day that scared us the most...

Mummy is sorry if this has upset you sweetheart, I just need to get it out.

Anyway, our day...

Our day was nice, better than either of us had expected. Mummy wrote to you in the morning. You know, our letters are one of my favourite parts of the day because for a couple of hours you are here, next to me as I tell you everything that is happening. Its our time Ophelia, our time.

Then, the crazy cleaning lady came out, Mummy was on a mission. She went upstairs and as soon a Daddy went to the bathroom, off came the duvet cover. "Are you getting back into bed?" Mummy asked Daddy as he walked back in "Obviously not!" Daddy laughed. It is so nice to laugh Ophelia, even if it is only for a second. Daddy normally hates Mummy's cleaning moods, I get up and have this overwhelming urge to clean the whole house and I do expect Daddy to help out, even if it is 7 o'clock in the morning. It is mad I know but don't tell Daddy I said that! Today Daddy just helped, no grumbles, just help. I love Daddy very much Ophelia, without him I truly would be nothing.

Around 12pm there was a knock at the door, it was your Grandma and Grandad, Auntie and Uncle. They had come round to give us some flowers that Heather's friend Vikki had sent us, Thank you Vikki! They also had a gift for Mummy, a silver "O" to put on her bracelet, it was really thoughtful and I love it. You just keep getting closer to me. They didn't stay long as they didn't want to intrude. They hugged us both and left.

 

 

Mummy and Daddy had decided we wanted some more pictures of you around the house so we went and bought some more frames. We have spent a fortune on frames! You are more than worth it though little one, we would do anything for you. Before we could start to fill them though your other Grandma and Grandad and Auntie Claire came round. They had bought your Mummy and Daddy some wine and chocolate to cheer us up, Mummy and Daddy love wine and chocolate :-). We sat and had a cup of tea and chatted about you, what our plans were for your funeral, how we had been getting on etc etc. Your Nanna has been making you a lovely present, I will tell you all about it once we get it! They miss you, as does the Angelinetta tribe, you would have been so spoilt!

After they finished their tea they went back home and Daddy and I immersed ourselves in you for the afternoon. We printed and hung loads of pictures of you and now you fill the house. We love it, everywhere we turn, there you are. Your little squidge face makes us smile. You simply are beautiful.

 

 

It was quite late when we finished and once again we realised we hadn't really eaten all day so we popped a ready meal in the oven and sat down in front of the TV.

It is getting late and tomorrow is a busy day so I will have to say goodnight.

We love you. We. Love. You. FOREVER!

Mummy and Daddy

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

For help and support visit - https://www.uk-sands.org/

"Ophelia, its dinner time..."

Hello Beautiful,

Today was a hard day, it has been one week since Mummy last felt you move, since she last saw her tummy stir like the Lockness Monster was inside (Mummy isn't calling you a monster by the way, you are far from it my love). Nothing could have prepared me for the first time I felt you wriggle around inside of me, it was so beautiful and when you started to really kick, well that was simply exquisite. I wish you had come that day!

The morning was a blur, Daddy spent most of it in bed, snuggled up to your blanket and staring into nothingness. Mummy sat and wrote your letters but everything was numb. Your Auntie Claire had sent me this poem earlier in the week:

Grief is like the ocean,

it comes in waves,
ebbing and flowing.
Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we
can do is learn to swim.

Today I felt like I was drowning!

Lots of people have sent us poems, I love them and I hate them. They give me peace for a few minutes because you are an angel up in heaven, you were too beautiful but why can't we have a beautiful angel here on earth? You would have been extraordinary!

Daddy tried to book us somewhere to go away to tonight, we wanted to take you and Marley somewhere different, somewhere we could go walking, feel the breeze on our faces and be totally anonymous. Bless him, he looked and looked but everywhere was fully booked. Hopefully we can go somewhere next weekend, where would you like to go? We could take you to the seaside if you like and Mummy and Daddy could dip your toes in the water. Does that sound ok? I think it sounds perfect!

We needed to get out of the house though, it had become our cave and we were starting to forget what the outside world looked like. Daddy found a nice place towards Kettering on the internet called Fermyn Woods, so we got in the car. It took a while to get there but we didn't mind, we were glad of the distraction. Marley was her normal excitable self, running off in front, sniffing everything and everyone, wanting to get as much attention as possible. She kept wanting to go off road and venture into the woods, were you in there, was it you she was looking for?

We showed you the playground, there was a big castle at the back with a slide and a bridge, we joked that you would have been the Queen of that castle. I wonder who you would have taken after, would you have been fearless like your Daddy and wanted to go on everything or would you have been like Mummy and stuck to the sandpit? I hope you would have taken after Daddy!

We didn't stay long, there were so many families, parents looking bored or shouting at their kids, some people just don't know how lucky they are. I wanted to scream. There are so many things we will miss out on, you, Daddy and I. We will never get to push you on a swing, we will never get to take a picture of you with ice-cream in your hair, we will never even have the privilege of calling you in for dinner... "Ophelia, it's dinner time!" I will miss that, more than anyone will ever know.

On the drive back Daddy and I spoke about our future, we have spent so much time doing nothing in the past, just sitting idle watching the world pass by. We have made a pact to get out more, to go places and see things because we want you to see as much of the world as you can. It wasn't much, but we decided to go out for dinner, which, considering the circumstances, was a big step for us both. We went to Frank's Hamburger House, Daddy had a burger with blue cheese and bacon and Mummy had a falafel burger, neither of us finished our food. We sat outside on the patio, it was quiet, for a while at least. A group came and sat down on the table next to us, it was someone's birthday, they were laughing and joking, did they not know we were grieving? Why hasn't the world stopped to honour your passing like we have? Mummy cried. We came home. Maybe it was too soon but we know we have to try. We have to try for you, we NEVER want you to feel responsible for Mummy and Daddy's sorrow.

When we got home, we poured the remainder of the wine Heather had bought for us, snuggled up together and watched a film. It had Tom Cruise (slimeball) and Cameron Diaz in it, it made us laugh a few times, Mummy fell asleep on Daddy's shoulder, it was nice. I love the new closeness we share, thank you sweetheart for giving us that.

Tomorrow is edging closer and we know it is probably going to be another tough one...

We love you gorgeous girl, we will make sure to kiss you three times each before bed.

Sleep well and we will speak to you tomorrow.

Love you always

Mummy and Daddy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Anger setting in....

Dear Lily Bop,

Hello sweetie, I hope you are having fun up there.

I am sorry Mummy and Daddy are still so sad, I haven't stopped crying for 6 straight days and I worked out last night that I had only eaten 1 pot of fruit, 5 bits of toast, 1 packet of crisps a small slice of pizza and 2 croissants since Sunday morning. I just can't stomach anything, neither can Daddy really, although he has probably had a couple more packets of crisps, he is the crisp monster, ROAR! I have almost lost all my baby weight already! My tummy, although a little saggy, is pretty much back to normal, I am the envy of all the "Normal" Mummy's out there! I envy them though, I miss your bump so much, I wish you were still in it, just taking your time to come out and say hello! It just feels like your absence is temporary, that you are coming back and we will start our lives together then, but it is an illusion, you, my sweet, sweet girl have gone and we are left behind trying to work out how to mend. It is agony without you!

When I spoke with Caroline yesterday, I told her I had not felt any anger, today I did! After the few years your Daddy and I have had, losing your older brother/sister to miscarriage, going through 18 months of pain trying to conceive again, both of us being made redundant (not at the same time thankfully) and now this. You were healthy up until the last minute Ophelia and then you were snatched away!  It is not fair! We are good people and (we hope) we were (are) an amazing Mummy and Daddy, we do not deserve this! Not that anyone does but this isn't happening to just anyone, it is happening to us and I just cannot fathom it.

There are 11 beautiful babies born sleeping in UK every day, 11! Out of 2,200 births per day, that is a 0.5% chance, how were you in that 0.5%?!!! How does that percentage even exist?!!! All I hope is that the lovely doctors at Oxford, who are carrying out your post mortem now (I hope they are keeping you warm) find out a reason why, Mummy just fears that like the odds predict, there simply isn't any rhyme or reason!

Anyway, I'm sorry little one, I know that must be hard for you to hear and please do not feel guilty, it was not your fault! Mummy just needs get things of her chest because this pain can be overwhelming! I will try to keep it lighter from now on....

I know Mummy has told you about the lovely things people have said and done but we really cannot believe the amount of support your Daddy and I have had, it has been fantastic (all I hear when I use that word is the man from the Barclays advert when he is shown how to use Skype!). Just today, a girl from work, who really, Mummy hardly knows, offered to name a star after you which was beautiful and very poignant as we had called you our diamond in the sky after we sang you twinkle twinkle. I was blown away by her thoughtfulness, Susan, if you are reading this, thank you very much :-). It is all for you though Ophelia, so many people loved you, even ones you had never met.

Lots of people have been telling Mummy that these letters I write to you are very brave too. To me it is just Mummy telling her special little one all about her day, good and bad. It is nice to hear though, something positive to come from us being away from each other.

Jane, the lady who looked after you after we had gone, came round to see us today, she is such a nice lady and she has a real understanding of how we feel. She sat with us for a couple of hours, we talked about you mainly but we also talked about us, our lives, completely unrelated things like how Marley won't eat dog food and thinks she is a human, it was good to think about something other than the hurt we are going through. She like the picture of your bum we have put on the fireplace by the way, she hadn't seen that done before!

We got some more flowers too yesterday, the house if full of flowers and cards. I love to see them as they remind me of you but how I wish they were "Congratulations" cards, not "With Sympathy". I yearn for a magic wand to fall into my lap that I can swish above my head and say some enchantment that brings you back to us. It is all your Mummy and Daddy think about, you being with us. One day. One Day.

Your "Big Sis" misses you too you know, she has been acting very strange over the past couple of days, not wanting to be apart from Mummy, smelling my deflated tummy, not eating her ham (that is a REALLY big deal, she LOVES ham). They say that dogs know when something is wrong and she is no exception. Will you look after her Ophelia? She is also very precious to us.

Mummy and Daddy lit a candle and made a toast to you last night, did you like it? Mummy had her first glass of wine in almost 9 months, it made her feel a little sleepy, which wasn't a bad thing after the lack of sleep we have had. Mummy was a bit worried if she could have one or not because of the antibiotics, so she text Caroline to ask. Caroline rang back and just said "Ab-so-bloody-lutely" ( I don't want to hear you repeat that by the way...), Mummy laughed.

You know, Mummy was thinking last night that you have brought her and Daddy closer, we talk more, touch more, support each other more. We are in completely in sync with each other, you did that Ophelia, your love did that, thank you for giving us this gift, we promise not to squander it.

Anyway, time is ticking on, your Daddy and I are thinking of getting away, I will let you know what we choose to do in my next letter.

Love you baby!

Mummy and Daddy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

PS - Daddy is smelly! :-)