Wednesday, 17 September 2014

The sky is falling

Hello Beautiful,

How are you? Tell me, what do you do for fun up there in the clouds? They look so comfy, I bet you just jump around all day, safe in the knowledge that if you fall, something soft will catch you. I like to think of you as doing that, of having fun, being carefree and enjoying the time you have up there until we meet again.

So tomorrow is the day we were meant to be going away, we would have been getting on the Eurotunnel (a first for Mummy, well a first for Mummy, you and Marley...)  tomorrow morning at 9:30am and travelling down to Spain over the next two days. I wonder, would we have been thinking we had swallowed more than we could chew by driving down with a two month old and Marley?! We will never know, all Mummy does know is that we would have had fun! I was so looking forward to getting in the pool with you, Mummy and Daddy had bought you some cool flowery glasses and some cute swimming costumes, you would have looked adorable. Those glasses and swimming costumes will always be yours, no matter what, Mummy and Daddy couldn't bear to part with them or use them for your little sister, should we be lucky enough to blessed with one. They are yours and yours alone.

The nights are beginning to set in, "the sky is falling!" as Chicken Little had once said. Leaves are beginning to cover the ground and conkers are being played by children in the playground, how strange is it that your Mummy finds this so painful. It is another cruel reminder that this isn't a dream, that the summer we thought we were going to have is really gone and October is almost here. I'm still not sure if I am ready...

Mummy finds the outside world scary at times, with Daddy I am safe, with other people who have suffered a similar loss I am safe, but out there, I am alone!  Out there Mummy & Daddy have to navigate through so many reminders that you are not here, unless I wear a sign that says "I'm a Mummy to a dead baby" nobody knows! Just today Mummy had to run and hide in a toilet as someone started to talk about their friend's scan, the last scan I had will haunt me and Daddy forever. Our dream just didn't work out the way we had hoped, it is hard to hear the excitement and innocence of others.

Anyway sweetie, things are getting a tiny bit easier, I still cry every day but not as many times so our lives aren't all about the sadness we feel. Every time I see your little Squidgy face I smile, you are the light through all this darkness. I will look forward to the massive kiss and endless cuddles we will have when we meet again in heaven for the rest of my life.

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy


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