Mummy is sorry I didn't write much whilst we were away, we were busy trying to make the most of our trip as we didn't want you to see us sad all the time.
So Barbados... It was better than I had expected it was going to be. The hotel had an amazing outdoor space, it backed right out on to the beach, had a lovely little pool and three whirlpools. Mummy and Daddy played a lot in the pool and on the beach, we wrote your name in the sand again, did you see it? The bedroom was pretty basic but it did the trick and the staff were lovely, I think I would go back there. We arrived last Saturday around 4pm and were in bed by 6pm... Mummy and Daddy are such party animals! We felt great the next day though, totally refreshed and ready for the day. We spoke to the hotel and arranged a few activities for the week, our first being jet skiing that afternoon, it was so much fun we did it twice. Your Mummy was the better driver, Daddy managed to throw us off because he got a bit too speed happy, it was funny though.
You were there with us though, I am sure of it because before we got to surfers point we had seen the most incredible sight, hundreds of white butterflies flying around the trees. That was you and your friends wasn't it? Did you have a nice time? I hope so. Thank you for coming to say hello.
So Tuesday came around, Mummy was going to do a scuba dive as part of the challenges for "Face your Fears." Mummy had been psyching herself up all day and even though I was scared I had actually started to look forward to it. However, when we arrived and started to fill out the questionnaire, there was a question "Are you or could you be pregnant?" There was a chance, a tiny weenie one and I just couldn't risk it, I am so sorry sweetie, I hope you understand. It was not to be though, unfortunately your Mummy and Daddy will just have to wait and keep trying, praying for a miracle to happen, Mummy is loosing hope though! They saying nothing easy is worth having but this time, I think we deserve it to be easy, the getting pregnant part that is. We know we would have an extremely hard road ahead of us if we were to get pregnant again and I want that struggle, that struggle I would welcome with open arms because through all the worry there would be hope. Hope that the baby would survive, hope that we would have two children, one who lives in our hearts and one who lives in our home. We are desperate for it.
As Mummy couldn't do the scuba dive, we did the next best thing... snorkelling with the turtles. Mummy was very scared to start off with, some of the turtles were HUGE and they swam right up to us, Mummy screamed a few times! After a while though Mummy found some confidence and by the end I was diving into the water to follow them and actually touched one, twice! Even though I didn't do the proper dive I hope you were proud of me, I still faced a fear. I was out of my depth with fish and turtles all around me and no idea what could have been swimming underneath me but I did it and I enjoyed it. I have you to thank for that, you are the driving force in everything I do now, everything I do, I do to make you proud. Mummy and Daddy love and miss you so much.
On Thursday we rented a moke and set off on an adventure around the island in search of the "Animal Flower Caves". Daddy drove, he loved it. He got us a bit lost but, in getting lost we found the most incredible vista of the northern part of Barbados, it really is a beautiful island. We also found a man who forced Mummy to have a coconut, told me to drink some of the milk and then he topped it up with rum... I hate coconut milk and I don't like normal rum (if it were spiced...). Oh well, when in Rome I guess, I drank what I could and then we made our way to the caves. They were amazing, breath taking in fact and to top off the unbelievable view and surroundings there was a pool that we could swim in. Mummy almost got taken out by a massive wave, Daddy thought it was hilarious, did you too? I bet you did!
Mummy and Daddy didn't do much at night, partying just didn't seem right, sometimes neither did dinner but we treated ourselves to a lovely meal on the last night. We had booked a table at "Café Luna", a rooftop restaurant right on the seafront. Mummy and Daddy wonderful evening made better by the fact your song came on just as we got our food. If you had of been there it would have been perfect.
It was time for us to come home though and both Mummy and Daddy were pleased to be doing just that, we had missed being around all your things. We arrived back early yesterday morning, we had a hard day as it marked two months since your death and birth, two months since all our dreams were completely shattered. I see and hear people all the time complaining about their children, it makes my blood boil, how can they not see how lucky they are?
You were taken from us without us having the chance to be parents, something we wanted more than anything else in this world. We couldn't wait to experience it all and yet all I seem to see is parents shouting at their kids for having their shoes on the wrong feet, mothers moaning about dirty nappies and fathers looking bored out of their minds in the park.
Do I know how hard it is to be a parent? No.
Do I know what is feels like to be drained of all energy with no let up? No.
Do I know what is feels like to have your child throw up on the clean clothes you have just had to change into because they had pee'd on the last set? No.
But, here is what I do know...
I know how it feels to give birth to a baby who is already dead.
I know how it feels to be told that the future you had been looking forward to is gone.
I know how it feels to wake up every single morning and have the wind taken out of me because I remember that I will never see you, my beautiful little Ophelia, ever again.
I know what it feels like to have a dead child that never met me.
I never saw your eyes, I never heard you cry, I never felt your warmth against my chest and I will never know what you could have been.
To the people who don't appreciate how lucky they are, read this, look at the child you have just moaned about and consider, what would you do without them?
Of course, I get it, everyone has the right to moan, like I am now. However, all I would ask is for people to ask themselves is it really that bad, would the alternative be better or worse?
Maybe if I knew that I could get pregnant at the drop of a hat I would feel slightly less vexed. Maybe if I knew that any subsequent pregnancies I may have (I hope to god every day that I do, also, you might have noticed I always have to say hopefully whenever I mention another pregnancy for fear of tempting fate...) would be the sort of pregnancy most women experience, I would be a little more sympathetic. Sadly though, I am not one of those women, I have to fight every single step of the way to get the same thing that comes so easily to others and the same thing that so many people take for granted. Trust me the alternative is hell!
To create life is remarkable and it is something to be cherished.
Mummy and Daddy will cherish you forever, you are our everything.
Mummy is sorry for having a whinge, I do understand that parenting must be difficult at times, I just wish I was experiencing those difficulties rather than the pain of our loss.
We miss you so much!
Mummy and Daddy
PS. We hope you like the present we brought you back from Barbados, a pretty flower just like you! Sorry it is not a toy or a rattle, we aren't allowed to leave things like that for you.