Sunday, 21 September 2014

Can't Sleep

Can't sleep...
Hello Baby Girl,

So, it's midnight and Mummy cannot sleep so I thought I would write to you and tell you what is happening here in Weston Favell...

The days are tumbling by, it's getting colder and it is less than 100 days until Christmas, how is that possible? Christmas... The day we announced to family we were pregnant, that you were on your way, what will Christmas be without you?! Mummy has always loved it, she always goes overboard and spends far too much, that won't happen this year, I'm not even sure if we will celebrate it at all. I think Mummy and Daddy might try and go away so we can be alone! New Year will be rough too, after the year we had last year we thought 2014 was going to be our year. Nope, it's the worst one yet! I would like to tell you that I feel some sort of positivity about it, I do, sometimes but quite often it dissipates. I guess we will just have to keep doing what we are doing, keep moving forward. A positive, no matter how fleeting it may be is still a positive and we do have so much to be thankful for.

This week has been TOUGH! Mummy has found herself revisiting all texts, emails, cards and letters we received after you died. I do it because I almost want that pain, that sadness to envelop me all over again, after it was in all those raw emotions that we held you and sadly it all seems so long ago! I will never truly forget how that felt, both nights that we had you I kept hold of your little hand, I was terrified that if I let go you would vanish. Ultimately, you did and now Mummy struggles to remember what you felt like. I know you had velvet soft skin and I know that you were a temperature you shouldn't have been but how heavy did you feel in my arms? You were 8lbs 4ozs but what does that feel like? Mummy can't remember and I feel like I have let you down, I am so sorry.

Mummy dreamt about you the other day, it was the first time and they were so sad. Mummy dreamt that you were here, that I was holding you. We were in a restaurant I think and Mummy spotted someone she knew sat on a large, brown leather armchair, it was like something out of Jackanory. We walked over to say hello and just as he asked me how you were you morphed into a large photo book, the weight of which was crippling and forced me to the floor. Tears started pouring from my eyes and when I looked again the book had disappeared and Marley had taken its place in my arms. Later Mummy dreamt that her and Daddy were in a swimming pool, a tiny baby had been found dead at the bottom of the pool and people were discussing what they should do with it. Mummy swam over and took the baby in her arms, as soon as I did the baby grew and opened her eyes. It was you, you had come back to life. I screamed for Daddy to come and see, that is when I woke up, crying because my eyes knew what my brain did not... You hadn't come back to life!

Someday there will be happiness in these letters, I promise you that Ophelia.

"I love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be."

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy


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