Monday, 16 March 2015

36 Weeks

Hello Squidgy,

It has been 36 weeks since you were born, Mummy left work at 36 weeks... How could it be that I left work nine months ago to have you but yet I am here without you?

16 weeks until your first birthday, I wonder what would you be doing now?

Mummy watches films, TV programmes and the news (so, so awful on the news...) and if a child dies, any age 0-however old and I see the parents grieving I think to myself "I just can't imagine how they are feeling..." but I can, I do know how they feel! Mummy's brain is in protection mode a fair bit because to let the reality in all the time would kill me, I truly believe that. Then moments like that happen and I feel sick because somehow or another for that moment I didn't know how they felt, like somewhere along line your memory had been scrubbed from my mind. I hate that I know how it feels but I also hate that I feel so disconnected from my grief at times. It is one of my biggest links to you. Mummy finds it strange but sometimes I miss the unrelenting, earth shattering, desperate pain of the first few months of grief, I was so, so close to you then! Mummy knows it isn't healthy to be that way and I am thankful that the bad days are getting less and less but ultimately I will always miss you. I will always want to re-live your moments, even if that means delving into a sea of pain all over again because you are just so precious!

Why is the world so cruel?

I miss you sweetheart, the world is darker without you. Thank you for being the light of my life.

I will love you from now until the end of time.

Sweet dreams and thank you for my Mother's Day card, it is beautiful and it brought me a lot of happiness.

Love eternal,

Mummy and Daddy


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