Thursday, 2 October 2014

2 October

Hello Gorgeous,

Mummy wishes there was a way to bring you back, I miss you so much, it hurts!!!

So every time Mummy thinks she has turned a slight corner reality sends one of the boys round to slap me round the face! One year ago today was the start of the cycle that would turn in to you, our beautiful little girl! I can remember that month so well, Mummy and Daddy had stopped trying for a baby, we had come to the conclusion that it just wasn't going to happen naturally. We had an appointment booked to see a consultant in infertility on 8 November 2013 but we found out on 3 November you were on your way, I have never been happier (other than when I was holding you OBVS!). Now one year on I can honestly say I have never felt so alone, so hopeless and so heartbroken, one year to the day that aunt has come to stay again!

Mummy just can't shake the feeling that it just won't happen, that Mummy and Daddy will never have a living child! Short of what happened to you trying to conceive is the most painful journey to be on, it is agonising! Mummy just wanted it to happen so much, especially as this month will be so hard for your Mummy and Daddy!

Mummy wants so much to tell you some good news, it has been so long since we had some! Our string of bad, rotten, awful luck just seems to be dragging on! Mummy feels guilty for writing that! We are still so very lucky, we don't live in poverty, we haven't lost family members to war or violence. We have a nice house, enough money to feed and cloth ourselves and we have love, from so many people, we have to be thankful for that! Mummy just wants what she can't have, she wants you! Mummy even had to change the end of that sentence a few times, guilt again... I wrote you because it is true, I do want you but I also want your brother or sister but if I wrote another child I would feel like I was discounting you... NEVER! If I wrote you and another child I would feel like I am being greedy! Is Mummy being greedy? Is it greedy to want my child or children? I don't know!

How naive your Daddy and I were when we started trying for a baby, we thought nothing of it, we would just get pregnant! We did but sadly we lost her too (I always thought of baby no.1 as a girl...we lost to early to know for real though... Sorry if you are a boy baby Hanc!) I was told that there is only a 30% chance that you can get pregnant each cycle, 30%! How people get pregnant because of a one night stand I will never know and most likely they will never appreciate how lucky they are for that to have happened! It just seems so low that I actually wonder how the human race has survived so long! Mummy had fallen into that naivety trap again since having you, she thought that loosing you would be enough heartache, surely this time we wouldn't have to go through month after month, cycle after cycle but it is starting to look that way again. PLEASE GIVE US A BREAK!!! PLEASE!

Anyway sweetie, Mummy has done it again, she has made you sad! I don't mean to, I try not to feel so sad but life just isn't happy anymore! We are sorry we didn't come to see you on Sunday, but we figured you were busy watching your Mummy and Daddy try to ice skate, Mummy was RUBBISH! Daddy was pretty good, as per! You would have been like that, good at sports. You and Daddy would have sped off on your snowboards/surfboards/skateboards leaving Mummy to eat your dirt. That's ok though, Mummy wouldn't have minded, Mummy is better at other things, like writing :-)

Mummy spoke to a nice lady at the residential home up the road, I am thinking about doing some volunteering up there. I think it will help, if I can make someone else feel good about themselves maybe it would make me feel a little better too, what do you think? Do you think they will like Mummy? I hope so, I will let you know what happens sweetheart!

Mummy is going to go now but remember we love you, we are happy to have had you in our lives!

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

PS Marley sends you a great big kiss!

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