Saturday, 18 October 2014

Hard times

Hello beautiful,

Mummy is finding things really, really tough at the moment, I just don't know where to turn to be honest! Mummy finds it almost impossible now to not  recoil into myself, into the computer, it's hard! So, so hard! Mummy never knew grief could change so much in your life, Daddy and I have made some positive moves for you, we have to but it is the things we can't control that can clothes line us.

Mummy started volunteering this week, I went in on Thursday morning and chatted with the residents, made tea and coffee and helped with lunch, it was nice to be helping, to be giving something back but it took a lot out of me too. Five times the words "Do you have children?" came out of people's mouths... Mummy has to judge how to say it each time but I never say no, I might have only had you for a matter of hours, all of which were after you had gone but I AM A MUMMY! I always say yes. That bit Mummy loves, in that second I am happy then comes the but... She died! Then of course comes "I'm so sorry, how old was she?" Ummmmm minus one day old, is that a thing?! "She was stillborn" Then the assumption there was something critically wrong with you, because you would be here otherwise right? No, she died because her heart just stopped, no reason why, if you were born on Saturday 5 July you would be a happy three and a half month old now and that is the cold, hard, awful truth! Maybe Mummy sat strangely, maybe I shouldn't have eaten those polenta chips, maybe I was just too assuming that you would get here? Maybe, maybe, maybe!

Mummy has heard other "Angel" Mummies say that some of their friends didn't like hearing about their little ones because it was too sad for them! Oh... Right! You don't even know what sad means! How cruel! Live one day in our shoes and then you will really know sadness and then some! Do you have any idea how amazing we are to be here when the most important thing in the world isn't? Amazing doesn't even cover it! Those Mummies and Daddies are awesome and Mummy and Daddy are so honoured to know them, we were loved and cared for instantly by them, that doesn't happen every day and no words will ever be enough to describe our gratitude.

Anyway sweetheart, if you can could you put in a good word for us? Mummy doesn't know if there is anyone to have a word with but I thought I would ask! I hope you are having fun with all your gorgeous friends and you are still proud of Mummy and Daddy. Mummy wonders if you are getting bigger up there, have your grown? Mummy wishes she knew!

Love you so, so much poppet!

Love eternal

Mummy and Daddy


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