Saturday, 8 November 2014

4 months

Hello Squidgy,

So four months have passed since you left, the days have been slightly lighter recently but it is still so hard. Mummy doesn't understand why you had to go or why happiness doesn't like us!

Mummy and Daddy went to see your bench today, it is right next to you so we can read you stories. It is lovely and we are very grateful to BI Worldwide and you Granny and Gramp Angelinetta for giving us the money for it. We hope you like it poppet.

Mummy had another reflexology appointment on Thursday, Jeanette is lovely and really helps Mummy feel a bit more positive and relaxed. It is amazing what the feet can tell you about your body. She could tell I was feeling a little less weighed down just by playing with my feet! Incredible really. Jeanette told me some other stuff but I will leave that just for your Daddy and I at the moment. Mummy doesn't want to bore you!

After the appointment I made my way over to Royston for Nat and Tom's wedding. Mummy had to get changed there so thankfully I arrived in good time. The bride looked gorgeous, Mummy loved her hair and her dress. Tom is a lucky man! There were a lot of children and babies there though. It is so hard for us to see others cradling their babies when we cannot cradle you, we should be able to. Babies shouldn't die.

The ceremony and reception were lovely and the venue was beautiful. There was a tree covered in fairy lights right outside the reception area that all the children were playing under. Tom's Dad came outside and started to play with them too. It was picture perfect but sadly all Mummy could think about was your Grandad, my Dad. He will never get that chance to chase you around a tree and tickle your tummy, it makes Mummy so sad. He would have loved playing with you.

It isn't just the big things we miss, it is everything we won't get the chance to do, like feeding you for instance... Mummy wasn't feeling too well the other day so Daddy made me some tea and fed Marley. He turned round and said "Right, that is all my girls sorted!" It hit him like a truck, it was an awful truth. Daddy will never get to feed you, he will never get to sort you out a bottle or have you flick yogurt in his eye. That is heart breaking! It seems so simple, a chore probably but Mummy and Daddy would give up everything to have that. F**k I miss you! Sorry, Mummy swore! It is true though.

Sometimes it feels like my sole is so angry that it is trying to escape from my body. It feels like it has peeled away from my skin and is now an entirely separate part of me. It cant get out though, so it sits there angrily. Irritated that it chose this body, this life! Mummy's sole just wants us all to be together. What did we do wrong that meant that we weren't allowed to do that? People tell me I didn't do anything but there has to be a reason you died, it can't just be because of nothing! It makes no sense.

Mummy is thinking a lot about some of the ladies on the forum, some have lost so many babies. I know one lady that has lost 9. NINE! WHY? No-one deserves that pain, no-one! It shouldn't happen once, let alone several times! She is one of the strongest people I know, she keeps going, she keeps reaching for her dream and every part of me hopes it comes true for her. She deserves it so much. We all do!

Anyway sweetheart, Daddy and I are off out on our first date night since you were born tonight so I better go and get ready. It is strange but this is probably around the time we would be doing it if you were here... At least we have Marley and your pictures to come home too.

Love eternal.

Mummy and Daddy


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