It is Christmas Eve! Two more sleeps until it is over, YEY!!!
Mummy cried herself to sleep last night, it is hard to feel so hopeless, so exhausted, so unsure if happiness is ever coming back to this house. Every day I wake up and reality hits me once more, it is like you die all over again every single day.
Mummy feels so stupid at times, for expecting you to get here, we were so naive! Three years ago Mummy just thought "we will get pregnant and have a couple of children... Easy!" Nope! Desperately hard! It is a miracle, to give birth to a living child and for that child to survive. A complete miracle! So many don't see that though. Some vile people kill their children...
Mummy knows now that everything is random, there is no-one looking over us, their is no scale or law of averages. There is just us, what happens, happens. Sometimes life just shits on people continuously whilst others have all their wishes granted. If there were a balance everyone would be equal, but war, homelessness, infertility, abuse, violence all exist. Mummy is grateful, I do have lots of things others don't but I also don't have lots of thing others do. Mummy is just scared that one of those things will be a living, breathing child. Mummy is scared that the only chance we will ever have was you and Mummy couldn't get you here alive. I am so, so sorry I couldn't!
Wanting a baby doesn't go away, it is in your every waking thought, it is your reason to live, it is the reason you breathe. Do you know how long every hour feels when hope is all you have?! Every month that passes is like a year and every month without you is an eternity. Loosing a child is a life sentence, Mummy and Daddy will never get over loosing you. It is terrifying. Of course Mummy and Daddy would never want to forget you but knowing grief is with you forever is crippling. Yes, Mummy knows in time it will get easier but having you "in my heart" isn't enough, it never will be! Today marks 24 weeks since we last saw you, 24 weeks since we said goodbye and left you in the hospital. In 16 weeks and 1 day's time we will without you longer than we were with you. We had you for 280.5 days and they were the best days of our lives!
Mummy and Daddy are dreading tomorrow but we have some little gifts for you which we will leave at your graveside, Mummy hopes they don't get taken again. We just want you to have them for a little while.
We miss you so, so much. We just wanted to be earth parents to you.
Mummy & Daddy
Especially from Daddy - xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx